Confusion, FtM journal

16 December 2014

I think Chrismass this year won't be so bad, I keep talking shit about everything and what not but I think everything is going to turn out ok in the end. I may be stuck with my family being the way are, but while that's as much their fault I need to be pushing the urgency of everything, stop bowing to their requests. Wether they choose to accept it or not, thats their problem, but I refuse to fall in line anymore. Anyway aside from family I'll get friends, I'll always have them to fall back on, and to me they are my family. Then my sister, I made her face light up with pure happiness for once in a long time. She's been getting so depressed latly, I helped her open a can of worms that you can't shut again, just like with me being unable to ignore that I am a boy she can't ignore who she is anymore. It's had because I see her so stressed and depressed all the time, last night she was so depressed. The pressure on her, fuck she can't handle what I got pushed through, I mean she's tough for sure, but she can't take the emotional abuse. She kept going on about how this is going to be a horrible Chrismass because we will be around alot of family so the two of us need to keep up the perfect daughter act, well fuck that for me I'm getting D's and C's so they can cram it up their ass's I'm who I wanna be, but for her it's diffren't. She's scared. It doesn't help that my grandmother is still recovering so were going to get the guilt trips to be on our "best behavoir", fuck that I'm sick of this shit. Sure I'll sit and smile for the camera, but you better check yourself if you think I'm getting in a dress or acting like a girl anymore, anyone asks I'll tell the truth, it's their responcibility to swallow what they asked for. I already know that for my birthday I'm going to tell her she can have her tradidional family party for me only if we are celebrating her son's birthday, and if not there won't be a daughter to show up for it, because I'm not dealing with this shit anymore. Don't give that "it's hard on me too" crap anymore, I've been more than acomidating and all I've gotten is neglectance, and I'm done. But ya. My sister though, I had to deal with her depressed yesterday talking about how she was dreading Christmass because she's gonna have to act perfect. So while this was going on we were brainstorming a gift I could give her and while she wants to dye her hair my mom won't let her. Well my sis loves racing gams so I'm going to get her the new Need for Speed game on the ps4, you should have seen how much that lit up her face. I've told her over Chrismass break we'll go shoping together and get her some better clothing and I'll teach her how to game and draw as well. I just want her to be happy. So my Christmass present to her is going to be 2 diffrent hand drawn cards (one for family and the other one filled with jokes not presentable around family), Need for Speed: Rivals Complete Edition, and a bottle of purple hair dye (any opinions on which one is best plz comment). Over all I hope she has a good Chrismass, and I hope I make a jacket or shirt/tank that says "He His Him" on it before we go see family, I would totaly wear it in fron of their faces. Oh, the other idea I had for like a t-shirt/tank was have some thing that says "I'm a dork A geek A gamer And a boy" then on the back have the transgender symbole but with the male sign blue then the female extention pink and the other purple, then below it have "deal with it" written. It shall be mine one day and I shall parade around my family in it. It shall be beautiful. Anywhore gtg, finals. Seeya peeps.