Confusion, FtM journal

23 December 2014

I feel so... alone... right now. I don't know, it the holidays, guess that means everyones preoccupied. Whereas I'm stuck at home on a couch watching Beyond Batman while coughing my guts out and woring on everyones present while getting told "go to bed Kat" "get some sleep Kat" "oh I'm sorry I forgot your videogames again Kat" "sorry you don't get your games bak Kat, because the are LITERALY FUCKING LOCKED UP IN YOU DADS GOD DAMN OFFICE AND HE'S THE ONLY ONE WITH THE KEY! AND WE ALL KNOW HE'S SURE NOT GOING YO LET YOU GAME!!!!!!

Fuck....

I'm sick and feel like a comatose vegetable. All I'm being told to do is "take some Niquil and get some sleep" fucking hell I'm not going to just lye there in a coma while I'm sick, it doesn't work that way. Oh ya, and my mom still somehow thinks I can make it to fresno even though my grandma just got home after her little trip. Yes, logic for the win! Just fuck. I can't take this god damn life and this god damn body. Every time I feel like I improve or get better, something has to ruin or dismiss it. Fuckin hell, I finaly feel like I'm getting better w/ art on the ipad w/ colors and shadows and shit cuz thats all I can fucking do, but when I show anyone they just go "ya, ya, great". Fuck I get it I'm not good at shit ok? Buy a little fucking support now and then would be nice from my "parents" and "family", anything close to that I got from friends instead, who now seem to be ignoring me for some reason. Greeeeeeeaaaaaaat. Maybe I'm just overreacting right? I always have been over dramatic and delusional, least thats what's kept running through my head all these years. Asshole, narcissist, delusional, sadistic, twisted, underhanded, deceitful, liar, manipulative, homicidal, crazy, insane, mental, oh the list goes on. Who knows who put it there, all I know is it's been stuck on repeat since I was a kid, so I've just took it as truth, tiered if fighting it. So maybe I'm just being to clingy, or am just imagining the whole thing, who knows. I'm just damaged goods, always craving attention while simultaneously punishing myself for wanting it. Only person who I've held up any form of a conversation with is Diana. I told her I was thinking about going by Kage, I though she might like it but she didn't, said she would call me by it if I want but she likes Conner better. Ahhh the eternal dilemma for me. Am I Conner? Or am I Kage? I've tried being both while being a daughter all at the same time, why else would I think about changing my full name to Kage Katharine Conners? But it doesn't work that way. Conner is the adorable trans* kid who gets his hair ruffled and is called fluffy, he has friends and is caring and forgiving and understanding and patient. Kage isn't. Kage couldn't give two shits about the world, he's everything I want to be on the outside, yet the opposite. In the end there both me, so is Katharine or Kat as well, but living as over 15 different people while still only being one is confusing and stressful as fuck. Why else would my mind go on rampages over how to act, and have completely opposing morals simoltainiously. I'm just a freak, thats all.

Anywhore, I finished Ilsa's present and have made significant progress on Merritt's. Helen's is still pretty undecided but I have a backup unless I can come up w/ something else. Diana asked me to draw the two of us a punk dudes with dyed mowhawks, piercings, and tattoos and that's going well. And I'm thinking of giving my sis a couple of different sketches of her. I mean, ones where she looks like how her real personality reflects. I'm obsessed with drawing people like how the might appear in a world where external matched internal. Well thats a botched way of putting it, but kinda like that. Like for me I tend to always draw myself as a guy w/ tattoos and piercings and dyed hair, but it's always changing depending on my mood, wether its a big or small change depends on what I'm changing, but a lot of it is minor changes. The things that always stay the same though is the pointed tail, ripped out black wings, and red eyes. May not always be shown, but in my mind there always there. I don't know, I guess it just feels like it reflects me. Anyway I wanna do a drawing like that for my sis. While I'm always drawing myself as some part demon type thing, my sister is always going on about magic so I'd draw her with magical abilities of course. Try out a few concepts and we'll see which ones fit best, though all the ones I have in mind are pretty cool looking. Speaking of my sister, she cut her hair about mid length, right below her jaw and chin sorta. It looks good on her, though I stand by my judgement of a purple pixie cut would look even better, she agrees too I think. But not until summer she keeps telling me. Ya ya, be patient, it just kills me to see her looking like this little twit when really she's more badass and damaged than she lets on. Every time we talk to her I begin to realize more and more just how messed up inside she it, makes me think everyone is this messed up inside, just nobody wants to show it. Oh did I tell ya? She's becoming way more open about referring to me as her brother! Earlier today she just barged in and loudly announced herself and called me her brother while my mom was around, though who knows if she herd it. Makes me happy that I got her helping on home turf, whereas a lot of other people think it just helps to just let things slide or use female pronouns around her to get on het good side then make a difference. Newsflash, it doesn't help, just reinforces her thinking its ok. Look I appreciate people trying to help, but it's just not anymore, just making things worse. I mean my mom's getting better at the whole no dresses and girly things, but pronouns and names are far off in the distance, and people waltzing around and calling me "she", wether a screw up or not, is just making my life worse. Look I made piece with not everyone will get pronouns or name, but it doesn't mean it doesn't make a difference. To me it's the difference of is someone half assing, not even trying, or doing the best they can. And it's honestly easy to tell the difference. And it sucks big time when you know someone isn't tying yet they keep telling you they are. Also sucks when people throw the "its hard on me too" card in your face. Look I get it, it's hard, I know. But can I just have a little unhinged rant right now? FUCK YOU AND FUCK THAT TRY BEING ME! TRY WAKING UP EVERY MORNING HATING YOURSELF BECAUSE YOUR BODIES SCREWED UP AND YOU THINK YOU DID SOMETHING WRONG! TRY LIVING A LIFE WHERE THE ONE THING YOU LIVE YOU LIFE OUT IN MAKES YOU WANT TO KILL YOURSELF EVERYDAY! TRY THINKING ABOUT HOW IT WOULD FEEL HAVING TO ASSESS WETHER OR NOT ITS SAFE TO BEFREIND THAT PERDON OR DATE THAT ONE OR IF ITS OK TO GO TO THE BATHROOM OR NOT OR IF YOU HAVE TO WET YOUR GODDAMN PANTS CUZ YOUR SCARED SHITLESS! AND I HAVE IT FUCKING EASY FOR A TRANS* PERSON SO DON'T EVEN!
Ok rant over. Point being, the best I can do with my mom is shove it in her face as nicely as I can that I'm a boy. I don't need people playing secret fucking spy agent and infiltrating her ranks, that just makes my life worse, I need it so when she tries to look away from what I am she turns into a another person reiterating that yes I'm a boy. I need it so she can't escape who I am, cuz that's the only way to get through to her. So unless your gonna help out with those efforts, please stop, please... just stop. I have enough issues of her showing me pictures of a small girl in flashy ballet costumes that I "had to have". What? Just cuz I'm a boy doesn't mean I didn't like my princesses and fluffy pink tutu's, though I remember next to none of it. Whatever, I'm slagged. 'M gonna take some niquil and get some sleep after maybe hassling the 'rents about my consoles. It is Christmas Eve tomorrow after all. Night guys, gals, any inbetween, and all else!

Oh and I look like Eugene :P

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from Infamous you twips!