Confusion, FtM journal

September 30, 2014

My life is falling apart. I'M falling apart. Flashbacks, dysphoria, family, school... and now even my brother. I can't... I can't... I just... help. The flashbacks came back. They were all good for a bit, just memories of some of the sweet things, but now... oh gods. I'm shutting down again. My body is just failing, my mind is putting it to sleep to try and numb the pain. But it doesn't help, just makes it worse, causes me to break down further. My mind couldn't handle it, it's stuck on repeat: shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up shut up shut up shut up. SHUT UP! I'm loosing it, my grip on what people call reality. I was in such a flashback mode I walked down to the library and huddled up withe books, reading; then walked to a coffee shop I went to as a kid and bought an eclair savoring the taste I loved as a kid. I recreated my past, thats what I do, I don't let go of flashbacks that shred up my insides, I hold onto them for dear life. I hold on to memories of living, of life and pain, of my past. I cling to them before they fade a away back behind the guard who stands watching me. So now I'm suffocating from self induced pain. If thats not enough. I went through old photos today, I thought they might help repair my damaged memories, maybe I would find answers. Nothing. I felt detached, like I was looking in on someone else's life. As if to make matters worse my mother kept commenting on how I was such a cute little girl, talked about how I said 'adorable' and boys don't say things like that, how I keep trying to convince her but its not working, how she's saying that when I get into something I go all the way like it's some phase that will blow over in a year or two. Not to mention school, my straight A keep up with work attitude faltered, now I have D's and F's in my 2 english courses and I might have to spend another year at the high school. How Ms. Barnett one of my English teacher is the one who made the memories of All Saints come flooding back and caused me to hold back tears in class unsuccessfully. I also have to deal with a new 'friend' I guess thats what I call them now. Myah, a freshman who I had fun saying hi to and hugging in the hallway for a bit. Then she pestered me for my birth name, then she said she liked me, then I turned her down saying I was too busy, then she said I was ignoring her, then she used my old nickname against me in a fit of anger, then I ignored her for a few days, then we got back of speaking terms, now she (I guess he now) came out as transgender to me. I can't... I just... I wanna help her... him? I don't know, they haven't told me pronoun preference, and I'm just trying to be there for them. Apparently their life is shit, they're depressed, I'm the only one who they can talk to. But I don't see them as more than a mere class friend. But I wan't to help, so I'll play along, but I don't resonate... connect with her the way I do people I care about, she's just another hollow friend I'll try and help out right now. Things were going good with my sister right before all this too. We stayed up and talked one night, we grew close again like we were kids, no longer wanting to constantly rip the others throat out. I can't say what we talked about on here due to the confidentiality I gave my sister on the matter, but all I can say is she had her own coming out of sorts. Well I can tell about the part where she wishes she looked and acted much differently than she does, how she just acts like I used to so she can have friends. She told me how she wished she looked, black hair, half her head shaved, black dress, lace up boots, jean jacket, nerd glasses, maybe a couple cartilage piercings when she's older and can get over passing out with needles. We talked about how she would probably end up being taller than me but I would still call her small child and by the time she was in college she would be calling by my nickname 'Corner' which she got after I told her the story of Starbucks spelling my name wrong. We talked about she would be author and already dating while I would be running my own little indies game studio where she would constantly tease me about not having a boyfriend as I couldn't get over how cute her and her date looked. We talked about a lot that night, too much to tell and too much I can't. So my sister now gives my sympathetic and appealed looks when our mother goes off on one of her rants, it makes things a bit better knowing not all of my blood and DNA ties have to be cut... severed like an infection on my life. I care for my punk little sitter, not this cloneish freak who possesses her body most of the time. So as my world crumbles further I get delt probably one of the worst blows of them all tonight at dinner. My brother. I can no longer text him without my parents knowing. He's messed up my parents allude to. Try to put it gently that he's having a break down, being delusional... AGAIN. He's caught up i a rough time, I know. He's making false accusations again, I know. He's on one of his mental fits again, I know. You need to let us know if he's trying to turn you against us, he didn't have to mom and dad have a little more faith. You need to tell us whats going on with him when you text him because were worried about him, no mom you're just worried about your reputation and dad I'm sorry. I don't know who to believe, both sides are skewed, and I can't help but feel like I'm stuck in the middle trying to keep them as separate in my life as possible as to avoid things like this. Imagine you're idol, the person you've looked up to all you're life, the person who has always loved you and been there for you even when things have been rough for them, no mater how shitty things go, they were there. Thats my brother. No matter what was going on in his life he would drive to my robotics competitions that were near him, he would be there when thing were rough, I always have and will look up to him. My brother is the only blood related family I have who really acts like family, the ONLY one to stick by me. Even my sister abandons me for her own skin, it'e a mutual understanding between us, when her mask goes on were enemies, when it's off we have each others backs. So my brothers the only one. Ya he screws up with pronouns and forgets and was slow on the uptake, but when it came down to it he said he 100% supported me and that it was so cool that he had a little brother now. But yes I know he slacks, I know he isn't mentally stable and probably is bipolar like my parents suspect, I know he smokes, I know be's out of work and has dropped out of college multiple times, I know to the rest of the world he'e probably just some unstable druggy bum who's to lazy to get up off his ass and get a job. But I will ALWAYS stand by him. He's my brother and I love him with all my heart. The real blow to the gut from this whole thing? I'm not allowed to talk about it. At least that's been the rule for the past few times something like this has happened, and it's never gotten to the point where I've had to report my texts. So I'm going to sit here praying that he doesn't text me, despite the one thing I want to to right now is text him and talk to him, I just want him to hug me and hold me and tell me it's gonna be alright. But I know I have to be careful, I live in a family with tech savvy guys who could bust open my tests if they wanted too, and I can honestly say I don't know if my brother would use my words said to him as ammo to my parents. I feel like I'm lying here just waiting for one of them to pick me up and start waving me around as a weapon saying 'Aha! I win! You loose!", it sucks. And while a brief and somewhat successful batman impression that my sister said sounded like batman going through puberty with my occasional high pitched squeaks was able to make me feel a bit better, I still want to curl up in the corner and cry my eyes out. I just want someone to hold me and let me cry into them, for someone to rub my back in circles and stroke my hair telling me its going to be ok. Just small comforts that I haven't seem to have gotten in years due to the fact that I automatically respond with "I'm fine". I want to stay but have to go now. Maybe next post I'll be a bit better.