Confusion, FtM journal

September 2, 2014

I'M SO FUCKING DONE! DONE WITH TAKING EVERYONES CRAP! I'M JUST DONE! WHY IS IT THAT I HAVE TO GO OFF AND FEND FOR MY RIGHT TO SPEAK! YA I SUGURE COAT THINGS OFTEN AND PUT A KINDER SPIN ON THEM! WHY? CUZ PEOPLE FUCKING HATE WHO I REALLY AM! PEOPLE DON'T LIKE HEARING MY HONEST GOD DAMN OPINION! THEY NEVER WANTED IT IN THE FIRST PLACE! THEY JUST WANT A GOD DAMN SUPPORT ROLE! I KNEW FRIENDS WERE A BAD IDEA! BUT NOOOOOO I HAD TO GO OFF AND BE AN IDIOT! THATS ALL I EVER AM! A GOD DAMN IDIOT! I DON'T WANT TO SIT IN THE CORNER BEING THE CHILDISH CHARACTER WHO'S A JOKE! THAT'S ALL I EVER SEEM TO BE AFTER ALL! A BAD FUCKING JOKE! TO THINK SOMEBODY TOOK ME SERIOUSLY AT ALL WAS A MISTAKE! THEN WHEN I GET MAD PEOPLE MAKE ME FEEL LIKE AN ASS LIKE I'M NOT ALLOWED TO YELL AND SHOUT AND SCREAM ANS SIT IN THE CORNER AND CRY! ANYBODY EVER THINK THAT MAYBE I NEEDED SOMEBODY THERE FOR ME?!

Shit.. rant over I swear. I'm just tiered of playing victim. No more pity party for me. I should just run away like I always do. Figure out a way to fix this mess later. Now I'm just gonna burry myself in work, thats all I did before and things seemed much better back then than they are now. On another note I talked to long lost friend Emily, maybe I'd be better off hanging out with my old crowd, they accept it and dealt with me when I was a hyperactive little shit. But then again they didn't treat me great either. I don't know I think I should just stick to my bro and Dylan. They both call me out on my shit and make me feel worth a damn, they may not be 100% on the trans* wagon but they accept it and don't make a big deal of it. Speaking of my bro he told me how proud he was of me coming out on facebook, that he would support me and be there for me all the time. He's the only family I can actually rely on, funny seeing my parents view him as unstable. Regardless it finally clicked with him he has a little brother now, wow that feels good to say, slow I know but I don't see him much and he's always known me as his baby sis so I don't blame him, least he's trying and supporting me. Damn I can't wait for him to get his license unsuspended or whatever so he can come down and visit, he said he would soon as he did and I can't wait. Oh another thing... WHY THE FUCK DOES EVERYONE KEEP REFERRING TO SHIKI AS A FUCKING SPICY TUNA ROLL IN TWEWY! Sorry gamer frustrations. I'm just in a anyone who comes close better prepare to get there head ripped off if I have even the slightest issue, like an unreturned pencil. I'm in a fucking pissy mood right now. And I just took it out on Diana. THANKS A SHITTON HELLEN FOR TIPING HER OFF AND NOT LETTING ME DEAL WITH IT ON MY FUCKING OWN! Sigh, man people hate me when I decide to stop prancing around like an idiot. I feel like I'm not even trying at an intelligent conversation anymore, it has NOTHING to do with my friends, I just feel like the only time when I feel like I have an intelligent conversation like how I used to is with Dylan. Simply cuz we both can have a discussion about philosophy or some shit like that and whenever I say I'm an idiot he proves me wrong, bastard. Not that my other friends don't do it to, it'd just different coming from him y'know? I've known and looked up to him since 1st grade so almost 11 yrs now, when I got nervous about the whole trans* thing with him he just looked at me and said c'mon we've been friends forever what did you think I was gonna say? Oh also I broke down this morning and now I'm sick. I simply didn't want to get up so I didn't and started crying, my parents were probly besides themselves wondering why I was breaking down, hell I didn't know myself. I felt bad not telling my dad, he was trying so hard, but I didn't know what to tell him... I had no words. My mom came in later and stroked mu hair like she used to after my dad left and sister was dropped off at school, all I could think was please stop your just hurting me more. I was honestly surprised, last time something like that happened she literally dragged me put of bed onto her bedroom floor and started kicking me lightly, what she ended up called "tapping", while her and my dad raised there voices at me as seemed angry. I don't know. I'm tiered, have a sore throat, and feel like shit, I'm gonna go.