Confusion, FtM journal

October 14, 2014

You know what I really want? A family who loves me, a group of friends who I could hang out with at lunch and plan goofy excursions with, I wanna feel like I'm not so alone. Don't get me wrong I have some family that still loves me for me and I have a great group or friends, just... I don't know. I just wish I could come home to a house where I can tell my family most everything, parents who would be there for me when things go bad. Alternatively I wish I had a good group of friends who went to my school, a bunch of guys who I could talk to about gaming and comics and hang out with each other at each others houses after school everyday, be close and live close enough to just have an open door policy to be able to hang out and sleepover, to not have to chart out in my head which of friends can't be in the same room with each other and which ones aren't on speaking terms. It's exhausting some times, but I wouldn't trade them in in a million years, they've got my back when no one else would. But is it to much to ask that I have people who I don't have to work so hard around? Family, friends, classmates, I feel like I'm at the circus having to juggle who to keep away from whom, which segments of my life I have to keep separate and divided, which topics to avoid around certain people. Again I wouldn't trade in my friends for the world, this isn't meant to bash them or anything, I just want a portion of my life to be a bit more care free. I just want to feel a bit less alone. Again I have plenty of people around me, and this isn't meant to bash them, I just feel alone quite often. I mean I feel like nobody really knows me for ME. Which is stupid because I'm as honest as possible around my friends despite my habit to tell little lies here and there. It's just I feel like who I am is coated in layers and layers of clay and paint making me someone I'm not, and I want to scream and tell people who I really am but the words just can't come, I couldn't describe who I am in a million years because I don't seem to have a shred of individuality left. I'm just tiered of holding my mouth shut to save my skin. But hey thats life, I'll live. So I'm gonna be happy with what I got, even if that is a family who see's right through me and a group of high maintenance friends, it's not all that bad. What is bad is my binder with holes and my mother doing jack squat I know about to get me therapy. I reeeeeaaaaaly need both. The binder for obvious reasons, and the therapy not only for gender but my head that feels like it's being ripped to shreds. Needless to say I haven't been doing so well mentally, maybe a therapist can help with that although I'm naturally mistrusting of them. Anywho I gotta get going, tootles.