Confusion, FtM journal

9 December 2014

I wonder what would happen if I died. Would anyone miss me? Not miss the idea of who they think I should, but who I actually am? How many people would even give a shit? Would anyone really keep caring after more than a week. I don't think so. I also don't think I'm going anywhere in life. Everyone keeps saying I'll do this and that, oh you're so smart. I'm not. What am I supposed to do, I rushed into a nonexistent future. So what does that mean? Will they find my corps on the side of the road tomorrow. I kind of hope so. I'm in so much pain right now I just wish someone would put me out my misery. Going it alone was a bad idea, I can't even function anymore. I can't even process whats happening. This is All Saints all over again. I use that phrase so much it probably has no meaning whatsoall does it? Essentially I'm were I was 6th grade, alone, confused, in pain, feeling worthless, I came home everyday yelling and screaming and crying because I just couldn't take it anymore. I was so ready to commit suicide or run away back then, but had no means to do either effectively. I don't even know what I want anymore, sleep deprived and to the breaking point, I don't know what I can do anymore. I just need help. I don't know what kind, I just know I need it. I also know I'm not going to get it. So what options do I have other than jump in the highway? I'm tiered and worn out and just want to live in my land of dreams. I don't know, I still think this all could have been avoided if my games hadn't been take away but thats life, I guess I just can't deal with it. Maybe I'll get lucky and die in my sleep tonight. Till next post I guess.