Confusion, FtM journal

FUCK!

Fucking ignorance. I feel like I'm just talking to nothingness right now. Will I ever be happy? I don't think I will. I'm 16 and already going nowhere. My goal shifted from being smart to passing, it destroyed my future. In the end though that future wasn't much of one, just one of a depressed and lonely girl. I'm not ever gonna be ok, I'm too broken for that shit. That's fine, whatever, made peace with it by now. I'm just so fucking tiered, I wish someone could come and take it all away from me, family, school, friends, stress, just leave me with nothing to lose. I'm struggling so much right now, I'm just ready for it all to end. I don't know if I'll live to see my 18th b-day, and even if I do there's no guarantees its gonna make things better. I keep telling myself fight to live on, but it's getting harder and harder each day. YAC is restricted, games taken away, failing classes, family bullshit, my wrecked emotional state and fucked biology. Where's the reset button when you need it? I miss my brother and friends, I feel like I hardly see them anymore, and the times I do I don't feel quite like myself. I feel like curling up on my bed and crying I wanna go home like I did when I was really little. I would cry that even when I was "home" I guess even back then I knew home was never really home. I used to fantasize I was magic, and one day I would be able to escape the mundane world and go and live in a far better one where my real parents (who actually weren't much better than the ones I have, if anything worse) were. Remember that dream I talked about a while back? The one that was really good despite getting shot? Ya, weird dream. But I had someone, they held me and kissed me and loved me, it just felt so nice. I guess I've just felt really empty since that. Guuuuuh, I'm so fucking restless. I just need to get away. Oh speaking of "getting away", I'm not allowed to take any summer courses because my mom's family is trying to organize a trip to Hawaii for my grandfathers b-day. Greeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaat. Thats all I need, sun, sand, salt water, and pre everything ftm. Oh and add on the lovely "family" part so I may as well walk around in a bikini with girl written in big pink letters all over it. I hate my bio-family. I mean as a kid all I ever wanted to go was Hawaii, but now that couldn't sound like a worse place to go. And speaking of families robotics starts up in a bit more than a month. I get to deal with greatly reduced YAC time and the hotel situation on trips since most of the team members I talk to know about my situation. That leaves me a big dilemma cause who in their right mind would go "ya! lets have him room with all the guys who have known him as a chick for at least 2yrs!" but then what girl would want to room with me now without still seeing me as a girl? I really wanna go cuz it's my last year, but I don't think I will because of my body. Like seriously what am I supposed to do? I'm a fucking freak to most the world, they know it and I know it. Gods I hate this! I get it already I'm messed up, I'm in the wrong, I'm just imagining my parents mistreatment, it's me who's causing all the problems, I don't get to blame anyone but myself. I'm sick of all the why couldn't you stay in the closet a little longer, oh see the way you reacted proves you're a boy, well thats not something a boy would do. SHUT UP! JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP! STOP GIVING ME THIS SIDE-GLANCING BULLSHIT AND TELL IT TO MY FUCKING FACE. STOP GIVING ME THOSE AWKWARD SIDE STARES LIKE I HAVE RABIES! OH NO! HERE COMES THE TRANNY BETTER STAY CLEAR OR YOU MAY CATCH HER WEIRD HE-SHENESS!! OH DON'T TALK TO THAT FREAK IF YOU DO YOU'LL BECOME INSANE TO! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU ALL! I'M SO FUCKING SICK OF THIS! STOP IGNORING ME AND THEN TELLING ME IT'S MY PROBLEM THAT PEOPLE DON'T TALK TO ME! FUCK YOU! I'M DONE!!!!