Confusion, FtM journal

September 6, 2014

I wish I lived with my brother, or he lived with us. I know I don't normally talk about him outside of this journal but I don't think words could ever describe how much means to me. I love him to death, he always stands by me to support me and we can both bitch about my mom cuz he knows exactly what I'm talking about. I really do wish I lived with him though, I mean I know it would be a bad idea in terms of my life goals. If I ended up living with him I'd probly start smoking too, not to mention just kinda drop out of school and a bunch of other stuff. Regardless I need to find a way out of this house on weekends or even weekdays, I need to find someway that I don't have to sleep in this house. Things are gonna get bad, I can tell, with me growing a backbone and my mother determined to put the breaks on my transition I have no doubt things are gonna get ugly. If things start going that rout she'll start threatening me with words, if things actualy start getting bad she'll start taking away things like video games, comics, ect., she doesn't care if I payed for it or not, either right before or right after is restricting time with friends cuz I'll be 'too busy with school', if things get really bad I have no doubt she'll try and take YAC away. Afterall she thinks YAC is to blame for me, to bad she's and idiot who didn't think ahead and payed for the full year. Sure sure she'll say she won't drive me but I'll walk to Monterey if I have too, NOBODY is taking the one safe place I have away from me. YAC is home, it's the one place I go when things get to be too much, so anybody tries to take it away and they declare war. It seems like lately everything I love is under siege, sucks but if they think they can get away with it there dead wrong. That doesn't mean I don't need to find away to stay out of this house. Lately thoughts of suicide and self harm have been racing through my head more than normal, in health our teacher made a statement of how guys are less likely to attempt suicide but are far more successful, well shit I'm kinda screwed then since I don't like doing things half assed at first. But ya, I don't know, I'm trying to fight through it. I guess when it comes to stuff like cutting though I'm lucky in that I find no appeal in it. I mean I tried a few times with a pocket knife a while ago and today with a piece of a broken plate I hid in my room, didn't work out. I mean I've never cut myself deep, hell there more like scratches than anything - I mean I don't even have any noticeable scars from it, guess you could say I was a coward and shied away from the pain. Then when it comes to suicide its the same thing, I can never seem to self inflict pain on myself and I don't have any way to REALLY commit suicide without a chance of me surviving, and I definitely don't wanna be locked up somewhere cuz I was so stupid I couldn't even die correctly. I guess the main thing that stops me though it the thought that if I get through it all that things might be better, that I might be able to help change somebody's life for the better in the future y'know? Sigh, I'm just feeling really dysphoric today. Last night my mom got me a lunchbox that was pink and black so I would stop using plastic bags for my lunch, she said it was the plainest one they had left. I said fine where's a sharpie or fabric marker and she started throwing a hissy fit, I said I didn't want pink cuz it was too girly so she would get off my back and she looked at me and said who's being stereotypical now and stormed off. I don't have anything against the color pink, it's just that I got in a big fight with Diana because she thinks I look to girly with earrings in (and other stuff too as you know), I really don't need a pink lunchbox to help with that. Oh right the exact words I told my mom were that I didn't need the extra helping of femininity. Ok I know that's probably really offensive to some but I didn't mean it that way... ok yes I did. Point being was that I was fed up with her shoving girls things in my face saying guys can use this or say that or wear this too. NO! JUST NO! I'm not a girl, I don't like that shit, and even if I did I wouldn't say so cuz you clearly wouldn't believe me saying I was a boy if I did. I'm just sick of her shoving this girly crap in my face. Oh hey! Boys can be named Katharine too! I knew a girl in college with this super masculine name cuz of her parents and she was super feminine! Thats grrreeeeeaaaaaaat for her! GO CRAM IT UP YOUR ASS NOW! I'M NOT A GIRL AND I'M NOT GOING BY KATHARINE! I want her to stop telling me these stupid stories trying to push me back into the stupid fucking closet! And can she quit with the remarks of 'every girl need a good gay best friend'. NO! JUST NO! STOP WITH YOUR STUPID OFFENSIVE REMARKS! STOP TRYING TO GET ME TO SAY I LIKE BOYS OR HAVE A BOYFRIEND SO YOU CAN PROVE I'M YOUR STRAIGHT DAUGHTER! I LIKE GUYS IN A GAY WAY! BUT YOU CAN NVER GET THAT THROUGH YOUR THICK LITTLE SKULL NOW CAN YOU?! I swear too the next relative who asks about me and Dylan or makes a stupid fucking joke I'm gonna shoot them down with Dylan's straight. I did that to my sis once and she went off on this whole thing of well if you weren't the way you are... which pissed me the fuck of to which I responded with well I am so it doesn't fucking matter. I'm done with my family shoving me into the straight female category. STOP CALLING ME PRETTY! STOP TALKING ABOUT HOW A BOY WOULD BE LUCKY WITH ME AS A GIRLFRIEND! STOP THE TALKS ABOUT HOW IF I GO THROUGH THIS ITS GONNA BE HARD TO FIND A PARTNER! JUST STOP! I'M SICK OF THIS SHIT! I'm so fucking done with people making comments on who I am it's not funny. I'm sick of being introduced as Katharine, it makes me want to puke. Sigh, I keep trying to confront my mother but all she does id run away then bring it up when she KNOWS I'm not up to the task. Like the other day when I was sick and felt horrible and came to the kitchen asking for tea, SHE STARTED A FUCKING CONVERSATION ABOUT HOW I'M GOING TO BE KATHARINE TO MY TEACHERS! I swear! I'm gonna get to her though, and she's gonna either understand or move the fuck out of the way unless she wants me to bulldoze through her. I better go now, I have stuff I need to attend to.