Confusion, FtM journal

June 14, 2014

Hey! So quick update to my nonexistent readers. Anywho so the other day I decided I reeeeeaaaaly need to start exercising again cuz I'm a pretty active person who decided to be a lazy fuck and exercise just about zilch the past year, y'know minus the running around chasing/being chased by friends and having Ilsa make me jump into moving cars.... Ok so ya, I miss being active I used to do swimming, soccer, basketball, track, cross-country, y'know the sports I found fun. So as I was saying I decided to do some exercise, except I no longer have P.E. for the rest of high school and high school sports suck cuz their all split by gender and super competitive, I miss the days of running around on co-ed teams were ya you tried to win but it wasn't the every day for four hours drill Sargent screaming at you to pick up the pace. Ok so I've never been in a high school sport before so I wouldn't know, but it was just to big of a time commitment, I mean I almost tried out for girls soccer freshman year but it was between that and robotics so I went with robotics (the all girls thing wasn't working for me nor the time commitment). So ya off topic, so there is absolutely nothing fun for me to do to get exercise except go to the Sport Center and either go on the machines or swim laps in the pool. Ok swimming is the definite winner since I cant stand the repetitiveness and just staying in one place, its so fucking booooooaaaaaaring. But ya, my plan since the whole trans* thing is get in with the membership under my birth name, slip into the unisex family changing room, put my stuff in the lockers out by the pool, wear a sports bra under a tight swim shirt, and use the showers used for rinsing off that are out by the pool then go home and take a real shower, easy. It didn't go as planed. I ran into a classmate (ironically from the diversity club), walking in as he was walking out and he recognized me said hi and had a 30sec conversation, so I freaked (not knowing who else was here) and ran into the girls changing room, this was about the time when the taunting voice popped into my head teasing me and it didn't get any better when I put on my swimsuit. Lets just say I underestimated how clingy my shirt was and how big my man tits are, I mean I had a fair amount of compression for what I could get my hands on for swimming and my tits were still huge, that was when I couldn't block the voice in my head and it engulfed me in depression hurling everything that I could be doing wrong at me. It didn't go away when I got in the water either, which was weird cuz normally water helps a shit ton but in this case only made it worse, I mean it went on and on about my tits, my sucky swimming, how I was clueless, so all I wanted to do was leave but I promised myself I would swim till 8. Eventually the voice went away and I felt good for the first time in a long time, I felt whole and it was amazing. I mean I was still upset with how out of shape I was, just not in that pit wrenching depression way, and at the end I got to treat myself to about 30min on the water slide there. I felt good when I got out, but oh since I have a thing against wearing goggles but still keeping my eyes open underwater I came back into the changing room to see that my eyes were bloodshot and I looked like a monster RAWR! :P So ya I bunch of funny stuff happened to and it was great I felt like I was putting myself back together after it and it was nice. So ya to rush through the other stuff, I saw the new How to Train Your Dragon movie with my friend Helen, I cosplayed Hiccup and she cosplayed Jack Frost. And then today it was her turn to teach the children's class at YAC that I help with and got offered a chance to teach a lesson (I would get payed for teaching the rest is community service) but I don't have anything to teach unfortunately. Do ya after that I just sat outside on the dec cuz it was sunny and was sketching (I sketched my new profile pic of myself (w/ the added tattoos I wish I had)) and looking at webcomics while sitting on my skateboard until Helen came over and we played Team Fortress 2, watched YouTube videos and How I Met Your Mother, while baking then eating brownies straight out of the pan. And now I'm here, Helen left and I'm stuck with my stressing mother cuz were hosting fathers day. yaaaaaaaay *says unenthusiastically* So yup, I get to deal with lots of shit, but I get to go hiking tomorrow with my dad which should be fun so at least theres that. Meanwhile, I'm stressing over my classes that start MONDAY!!! I just don't know how its going yo play out or if I'll even have the courage to go off to say my name is Conner. Wait a minuet I am a Dauntless and an Erudite, I'll be fine, if you don't know it's a reference o Divergent which I started reading before it was cool! Anyway all of that aside I just really hope that it goes well, and I need to figure out a way to fit friends into the busy collage schedule as well. Anywho the wedding is also a week from today an I still have yet to figure out wether or not I'm going (don't tell my mother but I think it's unfortunately a yes :/). In other news I might be going to both Hawaii (for my mothers 50th and grandfathers 80th bdays) and Denmark (cuz Ilsa wants to and has ALOT of family there). So yup, thats all I have to say right now, not really but I gotta get to bed. Anywho I'm gonna work towards saving for a swim binder and get one of those little visa giftcard that are like good anywhere, even online, so if any of my nonexistent viewers knows of a good swim for somebody who is like a 34D or somefin and is skinny/curvy PLEASE let me know. So yup, I'll seeya all soon. Bye.