Confusion, FtM journal

Augest 4, 2014

I promised myself I wouldn't post until I finished my papers due wednesday and got done with my final on thursday, but here I am writing a post while crying my eyes out. Why? Because of stupid Glee, ya I know it's dorky and I don't normly watch shows like that but hey I started it and I like it, it's also one of the very few tv show/movie/whatever that has made me start crying. The whole thing that opened the fucking flood gates was how in one episode the marvelous gay character Kurt decided to change himself so that his dad would like him/hangout with him more, and how in the end of it all he reverted back to his usual fabulous self and his dad told him how much he loved him and that he didn't have to change at all. So I very loosely summarized that, but ok I am not going to lie I fucking started bawling during that scene and it took me a while to realize that I was actually crying since I'm such a fucking dunce. It made me realize how much I just wanted my parents to at least try at least saying he instead of she, instead of going off about how it was a "chicken shit move" (my mom said that word for word) to go off an write a letter dump it off in her lap then leave instead of telling her face to face. I will admit that I was a coward for doing it that way, but I TRIED telling her to her face I TOLD her about me, but it held no sway, she just pushed it back in the closet ignoring it. So yes I fucking pulled the give the letter and run away crap! I just wish that they at least tried, the one time my dad did... my mom shot it down as soon as he said it was still a little awkward saying see we cant do this right now. It didn't help that I kept watching Glee continuing on to the episode about dreams, and I'm just to tired and upset to get into that shit. Anyway I walked into the bathroom and looked into the mirror, great fucking idea right! Just, fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK! What the hell did I do to deserve this, I am PROUD to be a member of the trans* community, but I am working so hard you think that at least I could have one thing that matter to me happen. I lost all of the emotion and happiness I used to have, I can't even FEEL anymore it's all numbed out, hell even the things I enjoy doing feel like a chore now like I HAVE to finish this game or I HAVE to hang out with my friends I HAVE to set aside this time to be happy and this time to be upset. I hardly even get a chance to cry anymore, I can't do it when people are around because I can't tell why since I don't even know anymore myself, and when no one is around I'm already completely numbed from whatever pain there is... was... so that I can't cry. Y'know I started quietly hysterically laughing to myself in the bathroom a couple days ago cuz I couldn't cry due to my mother and sister being in the house, I ended up lying on the floor in there hurting so much, I had a hysterical moment that day, hell most of the day I was hysterical and on edge until Helen and Diana showed up and managed to semi distract me. I's just I looked in the mirror, I'm working on getting stronger, and I don't even look to bad from the top, I was wearing my Hogwarts tank with nothing under so if you looked at just the very top part it actually looked like I could have a flat chest, like I was a guy. And that's what hurts most, because you have to look further and I'm always confronted by the same fucking thing. I work so hard... I've worked so hard.. run/ran myself into the ground over and over again breaking myself constantly. But for what? I have noting of worth to show for it... nothing. I know this is just an emotional outburst before I turn back into stone, heh, but I swear the pain... So now here I lay at 1:30 in the morning balling my eyes out just wondering what I ever did to deserve this. I'm gonna go now guys, maybe sleep through this or wrap myself in others stories, immersing myself in the characters lives, tootles. Oh, one more thing, to end things on a less depressing note, I find Puck from Glee hella attractive, true story. Alrighty guys I feel a lot better now, specially with that last sentence and laughing at that I said/typed it :P, I'll seeya after my final.