Confusion, FtM journal

July 23, 2014

I find it amusing that this journal is rated R, haha my life is and R rated whatever you wanna call it, but the again isn't life in general that way? I'm thinking way to deeply into this. So things have been going good for me lately, great actually. The wicked bitch of the west had been gone leaving me with just my  dad, and I haven't seen my little sister all summer which has been soooo nice, although they both come back home today grumble grumble. I know I must sound like a horrible person saying these things but my mother has just been pissing me off the past year or two with the way she treats me and my sister is an annoying brat who is more like that annoying cousin you have more than she is my sister. So that was off topic but hey onto the important stuff. pfffhahaha important stuff. Ok so all joking aside last night my dad brought up councilors and the whole trans* thing which surprised me but it ended up turning out really well, he's really trying. So we talked about stuff and I tried explaining to him what it was like and why people risk their physical health to do hormones and surgery and stuff, and I put it as wearing a reeeeeeeaaaaaaally tight pair of clothing that you just wanted to get off. We also talked about some more... awkward stuff... like sex and that... stuff... It was weird and funny at the same time but it wasn't too bad, sure it was awkward but at the same time I felt more comfortable talking to him about this stuff whereas if my mom even brought it up I'd go ok time for music. So as for wether or not I'm actualy going to get a counsilor, I have no fucking clue, but I made progress with my dad and I think he understands it more so that made me happy and has been a major uptern in my life. So what you missed the few days when I didn't update, well I had a panic attack on a hike that I whent on with my dad the day of the month when that ugly thing starts, and felt like I was going to throw up I was so dysphoric but halfway through when we took a break I pulled myself together and was back to being myself.  Another thing that occured was that 93 on my miderm! Oh yea who's a genious? This guy, that's who! Yea I could have done bettter if I actualy decided to study more than 2 or 3 terms and actualy practiced for the essay portion, the only portion I got maked down on, heh. Oh also Diana broke up with her boyfreind like she had been planning to do which I learned from Helen, who also said both of them agreed not to date until they get thier band sorted out *sigh* yes their starting a band and so far it's just the two of them I would be in it if it weren't for college coming up. But I'm not too heartbroken, yea I love Diana but I don't think it would work out with my jam packed schedual next year and me going off to college the next, I just wish that my heart would give me a break and let me be friends with her and be around her without my hormons going all out of wack. Another thing that occured was I had a minor freak out/episode when I got a text from Ilsa saying that she broke down and might be going psych ward, which caused me to mentaly flip my shit. I'm not going to say what she did or whats going on because that's her life and her's to decide who knows but she's not going back to the psych ward just going up to Pacifica for a while to be with some other family, it's gonna suck while she's gone but I hope it helps. So all this time with my dad made me realise how much I love him and hanging out with him, sure sometimes he scares the shit out of me (and I mean piss my pants scared at his temper sometimes) and pisses me off and all those normal teenage things, but I don't hate him like I do my mom, it makes me wish they would just divorce and my sis go with my mom and I go with my dad. I know I know, it's a horrible thing to say and be careful what you wish for and all, but with it just being him and me it's been nice I've felt like I can get my stuff done and help out around the house and I don't feel crowded or invaded, it's been nice alomost like father son bonding. So thats that. Also watching youtube videos, reading other peoples journals, talking to my dad, it all made it hit me that I'm in the minority for alot of things and by all means I should be a prime target for bullying, abuse, you name it but for some freaky reason I'm left alone. I mean I'm a geek who playes videogames, watches anime and cartoons, reads comics and manga I'm also a pansextual trans* guy which is pretty noticeable, I don't hide any of this stuff yet I'm not getting my ass kicked everyday afterschool on the playground. I just don't get it, I'm the type of kid who in all likely hood should be getting beat up and bullied but I'm left alone, and when I'm not people are always nice to me even some of the popular kids, or "clones" as me and my friends call them, seem to be pretty chill when they decide they wanna talk to me. I don't have any bullies or monsters to contend with  outside of my mother and myself, and it just doesn't compute. On the note of things not ocmputing, I have random ass people following my instagram and one of them is a guitarest for a more obscure band who's music is actualy pretty awsome, but my instagram has like 6 photos on it so I don't understand why anyone is following it since I don't post although there are a considerable number of photos my freinds took of me with me tagged in them so maybe thats it... and acording to Helen I'm atractive, I don't really see it though. But if you guys wanna check out my inactive instagram it's ThiefofShadows0, just keep in mind that it's a zero at the end not an O. Oh and on that note, hehe O, if anybody want's to reas some of the shitty stories I've written check out my other wattpad acount @ThiefofShadows as you can probably tell I use that username alot, and I'm going to work on posting some stories to this account too so stay tuned for that. Alright so I've got class in a bit so I've gotta go now, see y'all latters.