Y'know what I've been thinking about? It's how just about everything everyone doesn't wanna admit about themselves or there past, and I fall heavily in that category. Y'know what I realized? Why the fuck do I care? I'm tiered of being ashamed, so my new goal is to stop pushing aside who I am and who I was. So I figure the best way to do that is to fess up to the shit I'm not proud of, ya some of it I can't say for safety reasons but the stupid ones hell ya. So I guess I'll start. I often complain about 1st through 6th grad, those years I spent at All Saints or ASDS, and how I was miserable and how horribly the kids acted. But I was one of those kids, I stabbed people in the back and even turned away from Dylan and didn't defend him away from my friends. I jumped over 'people jumps', tried to outshine all the other kids, I developed crushes on people all the girls did. I backstabed and participated in rich white kid activities. Instead of of hanging out at Hot Topic whenever I was at the mall I was afraid of the store and lived in Clair's. I wore mismatched clothing and ridiculously bright clothing because I liked it then later cuz I loved standing out and being the center of attention. I participated in ridiculous activities of the other little girls and got involved in there wars. I was jealous of other girls when they grew boobs and I didn't. I ditched the boys uniform for the girls cuz I wanted to look pretty. I was an upper middle class spoiled child who went to school with kids who got everything they wanted. I always felt poor because my parents decided not to have their children turn into spoiled brats while I went to school with kids of oil company owners who lived in mansions and got whatever they wanted by whining enough. I liked doing my nails and wearing makeup while other times I loved rolling around in the dirt playing soccer. I looked up to Disney channel stars, listened to Hannah Montana, Black Eyed Peas, Ke$ha, and other popular artists. I was close friends with spoiled rich kids who would invite to there expensive birthday parties, invite me to fly out on private jets to go somewhere for halloween, who owned their own horses, ran around in houses filled with expensive art, you get the point. Hell I lived in Pebble Beach in 1mill house that what may have been 1 story and not a mansion but still pretty nice that we rent out now while living in Carmel. I am a spoiled rich brat if I ever saw one, I have my own laptop and over 3 gaming systems. I then decided that emotions where stupid and only got people hurt so I figured I would just do without them. I numbed myself to all emotion because I thought I was 'getting stronger'. I was proudly Christian at one point and don't regret it, in fact I occasionally miss it but can't believe it and still have respect for some who are. I always had and still look down on people from my classes thinking that they where being ignorant and stupid not believing it and thinking I was better. Past few years I've purposely molded myself to the person I was talking to's preference, I've made friends simply because I thought it would be beneficial. While I originally hated dresses I grew a liking for them that I refuse to admit to. I'm so many different things that I refuse to believe that there are any clear cut lines in the world. I used to be philosophical and think in depth but then purposely dumbed myself down so I could be social. I originally wanted to be popular when I switched to the Carmel District and wanted to use one of my old classmates to get in one year. I have things about myself that I am ashamed about but fine, it's who I am. Recently I changed, I don't know what happened but I'm not dead like I trained myself to be anymore, it sucks but at times but I finally feel like myself again. I regained my belief that there is no such thing as Good and Evil, Right or Wrong, it simply depends on a persons point of view. It's a hard concept for me to grasp too cuz I normally think in black and white, but when you think about it everyone sees black and white differently. When I think of myself I don't see one person, I see a shitton of people with different personalities and everything. I say I'm a boy because in this binary world that's what I identify as and because that what feels right to me. But that doesn't mean I can't be a girl, neither, both, ect. every once and a while. I get it, I wear earrings and watch Glee, try teasing me 'bout anymore it I'm owning up to it. I like design but also skateboards, I like soccer but also baking, sure it may not be YOUR baking but it's mine and I have fun with it, I may be a boy but it doesn't mean I can't like wearing dresses. I'm sick of people thinking they can push me around. Maybe I'm not stereotypical maybe I am, I don't give a shit I'm me. If that means I wanna be a boy, be called Kage, play video games and soccer, and go out in drag than deal with it. And a note for my mother, ya just cuz I like boys or can do makeup well doesn't make me a girl and that doesn't give you any right to hold back on my transition, I'm gonna start T and at least get top surgery. So theres that for tonight, I would right more but now seems like a good stoping point. PEACE!
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Confusion, FtM journal
RandomI cut my hair short cuz I wanted it to be like a guys. But everyone still told me I looked pretty. I bought a binder only for cosplay. I ended up wearing it every day. I am a boy. So why does everyone see a girl...
