Confusion, FtM journal

28 December 2014

Hey, so sorry I didn't update sooner to let whoever is reading this know how I'm doing, I'm a bit sluggish from the Niquil right now. So essentially after I updated I couldn't fall asleep and got wired awake for hours after that, eventually fell asleep sometime early in the morning. Christmas day was kinda hell, I felt like shit 'n everything, but I got to play mg vidieogames so that was good. I got passed the basement in the Last of Us, so yay. So then it was just me and my dad x-mass night cuz mom and sis went to fresno like planed, and my dad came down and watched some Star Wars the Clone Wars with me. Anyway he got me some Niquil which I took and went to bed after I couldn't take my headache any longer and it was getting late. Then bam, I was out like I light and slept better than in a long time and woke up feeling almost completely well the next day. My dad keeps joking that it was "the green Niquil that did it, the red one was no good" cuz the night I didn't take any the only stuff we had was that cherry stuff. I hate cherry medicine, it's the grossest thing ever. It's also why I almost never eat cherry flavored candy, it reminds me of the medicine and being sick, it so gross. Anyway next day I just kinda laid on the couch and watched a bit of Star Wars before getting up and driving out to Gilroy with my dad for my Uncle Jo's bday party. I was freaking out the whole time because A) there was the possibility of my Grandpa, Brother, Mom, and Dad all sitting in on room and all of them have there unresolved issues with one another that would have lead to either Hell freezing over or the earth blowing up - no joke it's that bad, and B) my cousin Taylor would be there, and cuz I'm friends w/ my brother on facebook she found me and friended me as well, which means she knows I go by Conner and more than likely knows about my little gender issue, which had me freaking the fuck out that she either told or might accidentally spill the beans. Ya, much as I love thinking I'm out of the closet, I'm not really with my family. And my moms side I'm all for telling, may dad's side... I think it's better if they just get the occasional visit from Kat and we leave it at that. Why? Oooooooh, my grandpa's kinda always been a redneck who keeps a shit ton of guns in his house (some of which probably loaded) and has gone on his rocker so everyone thinks he'a mentally ill right now, and not to mention my oma is suuuuuuuuuper religious Christian. Hahahahaha, totaly not worried for my safety in that house at alllllll. No ya, my grandpa Bill had a hissy fit when my mom didn't agree with him about this issue concerning guns the last time she was at their house, turned into him screaming and us leaving pretty fast, I was honestly scared shitless for my life. Then the next day he drove up to our house and demanded back the guns he had loaned to my dad, I was honestly terrified of what was happening. I don't know how long ago that was, but it was a while, any my grandpa's mental health has just gone down it seems, and I've only visited a couple times (all within the past month or two) since then. Y'know the worst part about it? Even though I know my grandpa is a dick and an asshole I still love him, well loved I guess, the man in the house yesterday was just barely the same person. I mean just as a kid he gave some of the best tight hugs, not the nicest guy, but I still loved him and wanted to make him proud. I don't know why, I mean the guy's kinda always been a jerk, I just did. Anyway, my Oma's really sweet and spoils me an my sis rotten. She just has a shit ton of crosses and mother mary's all around the family room. Anyway dinner was actually nice, we went out and my Grandpa and Brother didn't come, sad but probly for the best if to avoid conflict. Taylor didn't spill anything and we didn't really talk at all and I just mainly sat there in silence still sick. It was nice thou. I did have to use the bathroom once which had me scared shitless though. Why? Cuz while I made peace with being a girl around my dads side doesn't mean I'm still not gonna try and pass. And damn did I that night, I always seem to when I wear a polo. Well bathrooms were an issue cuz I had my family calling me Katharine and she, so when I got to them I didn't quite know what to do. I ended up in the girls thinking it would be best and immediately regretted it. I ran in past 2 little girls hatting myself, then got stuck locked in the stall for some time because a grandma, mom, and daughter walked in before I could leave. It dawned at me that if I came out of the bathroom they would probably look at me weirdly or hassle me about my appearance, after all i wasn't in Monterey anymore, I was at Tony Roma'a in Gilroy a barbecue restaurant who who knows how the hell people might have reacted. It took them all like 20min to leave the bathroom and me to make a break for it, I honestly think using the mens would have been safer in that situation. I mean even after someone said she's over there when they came with my food the guy set my food in front of me and said "here you go buddy", who the hell says that to a 16yr old girl? Nobody, so I'm guessing he thought he heard my family wrong and though I was just some kid. Anyway despite getting scared shitless for my life on multiple accounts, all went well. I hauled in some major x-mass loot too $510 cash plus a number of giftcards. My eyes nearly bugged out of my head when my Oma gave me a card w/ $200 in it, ya we get $100 every year, but $200!!!! Oh and not to mention on of my hundred dollar bills vanished the next day! HOW DO YOU LOSE A $100 BILL THATS IN A CARD THATS IN A GIFT BAG!!!!!!!! I don't know, I tore apart and cleaned the effing living room for it but nowhere. Gods I feels so wrecked about it and my parents are making me feel like and idiot after they recheck the place I looked over 10 times telling me how thats a lot of money to loose. I know!!!! Ok I get it but I didn't loose it! It was there the night before, then the next day it wasn't in the card, it's not like I left it laying on the coffee table like my sister did. AND IT WAS TAPED DOWN FOR FUCKS SAKE! HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN?!?!?! Gah, idk. I'm gonna go, 'm tiered of writing. Till next time.