You know how you feel when you feel deviated, crushed, an you cant stop the tears from flowing, real tears not fake ones, the ones that poor down your cheeks and are accompanied by ugly sobs. Thats how I am right now, except I'm in school right now so I'm doing everything in my power to stop them from rolling down my cheeks and whipping them away before anyone can see them. Believe it or not this isn't from dysphoria or anything like that, I can deal and tame that monster, no this is an old foe long since buried and forgotten. This is entirely to do with school and my incompetence despite being an A B student on transcripts, it's to do with words that I can physically feel piercing my chest, and the sharp reminder as to why I don't ask for help anymore. See I mold myself to others expectations doing whatever I can to make myself what they want, I'm working on breaking out of it but its hard when you are faced with the prospect of being yourself at the price of being treated like a monster and freak with no one to stand by you. Also I'm a fake, everything I do, all my accomplishments, grades, art, everything produced by me isn't mine. I take bits and pieces of other peoples works and mash them together in a way that makes it seem original and people believe that it is, I cant do anything on my own until I have learned by copying other first. Which brings us to why I'm upset, in AP we are working on our finals, I was doing my best to make a maze game. I couldn't get the walls to work so I googles some solutions, I mean I had it so that you could walk unless touching a wall but that meant you couldn't walk anywhere after you simply touched a wall. Anyway I was trying to figure out a better way so I kept looking at the API and googling it, so I found some code that was similar, studied it so that I understood exactly what it dis, changed it slightly so that it worked for my situation and I now had working walls. This took me around 3 days and by the end I felt better about my programing skills and felt like I knew what I was doing a little bit more. Well that all got crushed today when I decided to ask my teacher for help with my code today when it came to making the finish line work, he looked at my stuff was upset in that I just copied everything and pointed out that out of the code that I did do it was only like 2 lines so not much (the rest was just adding stuff to the world, a child could do that), anyway I'm crushed cuz of it and now I feel like a rotten little shit who's done nothing at all and doesn't deserve to code at all. My teacher isn't to blame for this, he's one of my favorites and he was doing what was right in his mind and I don't blame him for it. It's just very reminiscent of the All Saints bull shit so it hit me really hard, that and I look up to him so it hurt even more.
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Confusion, FtM journal
RastgeleI cut my hair short cuz I wanted it to be like a guys. But everyone still told me I looked pretty. I bought a binder only for cosplay. I ended up wearing it every day. I am a boy. So why does everyone see a girl...
