Confusion, FtM journal

October 18, 2014

Hey guys I've been in a shitty mood lately haven't I? Sorry about that, I could just blame it on my stupid man period, but I've just been really irritable lately. I don't know, everything was just getting under my skin: school, family, dysphoria, even friends and I don't fucking know why. Anyway I feel better now and have even started working about which while it makes me a bit sore makes me feel better. Maybe I've jus been frustrated over my lack of physical activity and motivation. So ya sorry for my fluctuating bullshit the past few days. But ya, my mom gave me her 5 pound dumbbells to use so I started working on building upper body strength yesterday then this morning I got up and went for a run on the beach. It made me really sad that I couldn't run for to long and that I often had to stop for a bit every so often, I just have to keep reminding myself that it's been over a year since I had any solid physical activity. It still makes me sad that my body has gotten so weak that I can't even run to long, I just need to build up my endurance and strength again. I guess I just stopped exercising cuz I didn't wanna have to deal with my body, but now I'm gonna work on it. And since I went down to the beach today and it was sunny (not that that affects this in any way) I of course jumped in the water on multiple accounts, thats why I put on swim trunks an reluctantly ditched my binder after all. When I walked down to the beach it was about 10am, and walking through downtown carmel on a saturday at that time means the air is filled with the scent of bacon, syrup, and pancakes wafting through the air with the occasional whiff of second hand smoke. Its one of the few times when Carmel seems like an inviting place to me, the sun out and shining and the sound of plates clattering as you pass by restaurants filled with cheerful chatter. As you walk down further though the smells of a late saturday breakfast are replaced with the smells of perfume funneling out of small shops. Then when I got to the beach it was crowded with couples, families, and dogs as expected of a sunny day. Only a couple scattered people were actually in the water seeing as not many people can handle how 'cold' it is, and the waves today were pretty big and crashing close to shore so that even I almost lost my nerve to jump in. So I ran/walked up the length of the beach and when I got tired I would either sit or stand at the edge of the water letting some of the smaller waves reach me. It was fun, and eventually I found some places where I could dunk myself although I was still wary of the large waves and how easily the pushed me around. The best part of going down to the beach on a day like this? Well the water duh, but there is something that makes me just brim with smiles. It's the trip up. Not necessarily anything special and it's up hill so it's a bitch if you're tiered or simply don't like hills. No the great part is passing by the people on the way up, especially on a sunny day like this so that when I came up the streets were crowded with tourists and rich folks. See when I enter town I love dashing through the crowds of people. Probably not the smartest thing cuz their are crosswalks everywhere with plenty of cars zooming through them and many stories about people getting killed in them but I do it all the same. I swear I'm gonna die cuz of a car, I have skirted out of getting hit to many times and never batted and eyelash at the car (unless it was my mom jerking the oncoming car to a stop while I'm in it and thats more cuz I'm pissed at the uncomfortable motion), ya I know I'm an idiot but we'll come back to that later. Anyway so here I am a 16yr old guy with boobs, barefoot and soaking wet in batman swim trunks, a grey Hogwarts tank top running up through this prestigious little town. Just try to imagine the looks on some of these rich bastards faces, it's fuckin hilarious. I mean you know you're doing something considered odd in the area when a little girl just prancing about with her parents singing to herself just stop what she's doing and stares at you with an open mouth. I just smiled at her. But I mean seriously, there is a beach five minuets walking distance away, yet it it the weirdest thing on earth for somebody wet and in a swimsuit to march their way up through downtown Carmel. I know the water is freezing to you guys but still, I'm not the only one who goes swimming out there. Still I wouldn't want it any other way, I love seeing the expressions on their stupid faces too much. I'm just waiting for the day when a cop or someone stops me because I'm not allowed to go barefoot, or there is no running through town, or I'm not allowed to walk through this way wet. It could seriously happen. I mean it's illegal to wear high heals, yup that is a legitimate law for carmel by the sea. Oh and we aren't allowed to have street lights despite it getting dark as fuck around here and people walking around at night in the scary dangerous crosswalks. Why? Oh it disrupts the beauty or serenity or some bullshit like that. Yup, I live in loony rich town. So ya, watch me get stopped by a cop for something stupid like being too wet. Anyway I don't run the whole way up so sometimes people will ask how's the water as I pass by or make amused remarks. Today these two ladies who were sitting at a table outside stopped me and we had a conversation, it was nice. The rest of the people give me either uncertain or amused looks. I hope I put a smile on some peoples faces and got them to go back to wherever they are staying and tell a friend or relative about the odd kid who ran through town dripping wet and barefoot, as for the rest of the snobby people roaming the place its my way of sticking my middle finger up to 'em all. But ya, I love the beach, it's always funny seeing these guys around my age and such sitting on the edge of the beach in weat suits not going into the water while scrawny little me is in a tank top and swim trunks is dunking myself in the 'freezing cold' water. The water today was actually reeeeeaaaaaly nice, if the waves weren't so big and I wasn't trying to get some exercise in and get home to do homework I would have just swam around in that water for hours. It just makes me laugh that there are these tough guys who act all high and mighty but then can't handle the ocean while I'm just leisurely lounging in it. It's stupid but it makes me feel more masculine and gets my self esteem up for a bit. Anyway my hard work was ruined by my mom and sister going out and bringing back as much Paveles pastries as they could. Damn them and the delicious pastries I was trying to get myself to stop stuffing my face with sugar. Anyway my sister's been pissed a lot lately, and at me a lot of the time. I feel bad for her honestly, she's doing what I used to do: pretend to be someone you're not for the sake of having friends and appearing relatively normal. I honestly hope she finds a better crowed of people in high school, she's gonna need it to survive. Wether it would be with the otakus, geeks, band obsessed, lgbtq+, drama kids; I don't give a shit, she needs to stop doing what she's doing, it'll mess her up bad if she doesn't. I know, I did the exact same and it fucked me up inside. Look I don't really care a whole bunch about the little shit, quite honestly the past few years I could have cared less if she dropped dead and quite honestly preferred it, but I feel bad for the kid and the person hiding deep under all her bullshit is actually pretty cool and would be someone I would be proud to call my lil sis. But nope, she's a little pretentious tyrant with too much pride and anger stored up inside for her own good. Anyway, ya thats that. Now wanna here about how I constantly seem to avoid death by car? No seriously, there are so many times when I haven't been paying attention and a car has almost hit me, not to mention the time when a car came barreling down out street while my mom was pulling out and the car nearly rammed straight into where I was sitting but my mom hit the break in time, oh I also have to dash across a highway everyday to get to school, and constantly cross a crosswalk that people are always getting killed in and who my neighbors wife died in. I am honestly surprised I haven't gotten hit by a car yet. And every time I just stare at the car unfazed like I couldn't have just died. I'm weird, and an idiot, yes. Anyway I'm missing my binder right now cuz I had to do laundry so that means I'm locked up in my room in my comfy cloths, aka one of my girlyer oversized shirts that I don't wear often anymore, some form of sweatpants, an old sports bra, and this time some fuzzy socks cuz my feet hurt like hell from going barefoot after not doing that in a while. I swear my feet feel like their shredded to pieces right now. Anyway I think I'm gonna take a nap now then get some work done. See y'all laters.