Confusion, FtM journal

20 December 2014

Things are weird right now. A mix between the good and the bad. I've passed all my classes except ERWC with at least a C and I still have a chance to redeeme myself in ERWC. I hung out with Merrritt and Helen yestereday and marathoned movied which was great, just everything about it felt great. Me and my sister are getting along more and more, and school is a place that I actualy don't mind being at and actualy enjoy sometimes. But there is the bad too. My dad was in a pissed off mood picking me up last night, and he and my mom were having a pretty big argument today while me and my sister were holed up in our room reading Khaos Komix together. People like me, my sister, and Helen all wonder why my parents haven't divorced yet, I mean they seem to always be fighting about finances and such, plus their ideals are far from similar. Me and my sis kinda have an idea as to why though, my mom wants her perfect family which doesn't involve getting divorced, and we both agree my dad probably doesn't want to get divorced again and is probably freaked that it will fuck us up like his last wife divorcing him fucked up my brother, even though these situations are way diffrent and me and my little sis agree were already fucked up. I can't help but blame myself for my sister being fucked up either, after all as a kid I took after my mom and had to fit in and forced my sister to follow my lead. Part of it was her doing everthing I did as a kid, and part of it was me threatening her that if she did anything to pin us as freak I would mess her up. I was allways a shit kid. See we could be weird, just not the kind of weird that could make us seriouse targets, I helped drill that into my sister as a kid and I can't help but see the effects it's having now. I feel like shit for it too, I'm doing everything in my power to help her, to try and fix what I did. In all reality the both of us should go and get some therapy, were both so messed up it seems like, I mean it's not as bad as what most other people go through but bottling up problems causes them to do alot of internal damage, and me and my sister have always been forced to bottle everything up. I still have to, the one time I didn't I was a mess, unaproachable, crying all the time and screaming at everyone, I fliped off my mom and was being treated like a criminal even though all I needed was help. Everyone treated me like a freak that week, like I was damaged and there was something wrong with me, even now my parents treat it like so weird pressure induced phase that is all good and blown over now. All that really happened was all my feelings got locked back up inside. I see it happening to my sister to, she talks to me about the past and her problems all the time now because she's never had anyone to do that with before, my mom just shut the both of us up with the thats the past and we aren't there anymore speech. I really think my sister could use therapy, not cuz she hardcore needs it, though who knows maybe she does, but to help her vent and sort out here feelings. I mean I have issues with therapists and therapy in general, but maybe if we find a good one when she's older I can convince her to go. Me on the other hand, I accept that I'm fucked and I'm not gonna try and fix it, I'm gonna go to therapy and get my hormones then be done with it. Anyway the two of us were reading Khaos Komix while the parents were fighting. Its a great comic that centers around a bunch of diffrent type of queer people as well as a straight guy or two. It was one of the comics that really helped me to come to terms with who I was and who I wanted to be. I thought it would be a great thing to introduce my sister to as well, help her out with her issues a bit too maybe, that and the comic is fucking hilarious. The comic is pretty sexual though which always is a problem with my sister as just seing a girl and a guy kiss on screen is quote "disgusting", and when most of the sextual things came up you could see her kind of cringing and going "umm" awkwardly. But this wasn't really the case with two of the peoples stories, and I found myself laughing to myslef as she read it laughing at diffrent parts, all in all she's getting more comfortable around the idea of sex it seems. Which in my opinion is good, I don't want her going into highschool like me, being a compleet idiot who knows and understands nothing and just runs away when anything of that nature comes up, that being said I don't necessarily want her sleeping with everyone either (which I highly doubt will be a problem). I mean I just want her to be informed and not the ignorand idiot I was when I went into highschool, I also want her to be more comfortable with herself. Aside from that I now have to deal with my parents, were looking at maybe moving agian. The tennants renting our house are going to move out on my bday and a number of options are coming up. We could possibly move back while my mom and siter look for a small pace to rent for her to stay to stay in the distrect, we might possibly sell the house and look into buying a new one in Carmel, then there is the possibility that after next school year we might just move up to Aptos/Santa Cruz, cuz thats the JC I'll be at and Carmel High isn't the greatest place, plus my mom could get some work up in silicon vally then. All in all the family situation is looking complex, and moving will cause more strain on the already teetering relationship my mom and dad have, I mean the last time we had to move my mom and dad really almost did divorce, who knows what saved their shit marrige. Regardless them splitting up wouldn't neccicarily mean that things would be any bettter. I mean I would try and go with my dad, but who knows if he would even take me, and even if he did things wouldn't be great. Sure when it's just the two of us it's normaly fine, but my dad gets really agressive when he's mad, and the only thing I've seen that stops him is his own self controll or my mom. I mean my dad is the one who choked me as a kid after all, and nobody but my sister (who witnessed it) belived me, they thought it was all just in my head. Aside from agressivness my dad would always be taking me to go and do things outside, even when it interfears with school (as the one time my sister had to work on her science fair project my dad picked her up and took her on about and hour long hike without her concent). As well as the fact that my dad hate videogames and me gaming, and contrary to popular belief, probably wouldn't get me therapy or concent to letting me take T. Why? Because finances, he doesn't belive in "self diagnosis", and he doesn't belive in therapists. Yippie. And, well, you know why it be shit if I whent with my mom. I just trying to get throug life right now, I have friends again and my sister back, but all I seem to do is hurt the people I'm around. I don't know, I should go, seeya.