Confusion, FtM journal

8 November 2014

So things have calmed down since last post, they got a lot worse then mellowed a bit. At least good art practice came out of it right (see attached photo)? Regardless things got bad, for me, I was to the point of breaking down ignoring everyone in my life and just stop caring, I just hurt so much from a number of different things. But thank the gods for Dylan. I don't normally talk about trivial shit around him and just try and keep my problems and him separate, but this time I texted him told him about some of the things that had been weighing me down these past months and how I thought it was all because of my own poor decision making. He calmed me down though, had me explain, then told me it was just circumstantial, most of the things I had no control over. And it might suck, but I just need to keep my chin up and keep moving forward. So I'm taking it to heart, cuz those words saved me from going off yet another edge. Dylan prevented me from acting like a child and ignoring the problem and people involved, to cleaning myself up and saying I need a break for a bit. I think the thing about all of this was that it cane unexpected and unannounced, and when I really wasn't in a good emotional state to begin with, otherwise I think I could have dealt fine. Regardless, I myself am doing a lot better now, and would honestly be fine to deal (as in being fine interacting with them, whereas I wouldn't have before) with both Helen and Ilsa right now, but I'm being responsible and saying I should clean myself up first and get through finals week.

Xmass is coming up too, I may be agnostic but I still celebrate the day. But instead of it being religious for me, it's mor a day to just curl up with people you love and exchange gifts, just a warm and happy time of year. Y'know minus the family bs. But anyway, I need to go and work on both Helen and Ilsa's gifts, I know wut I wanna do for them but it's going to require time so I better hurry my but up or I'm gonna be giving belated gifts yet again. And then I never know what to get Dylan. Dom's easy since we both agree gift shoping is hell and we don't really give out gifts (and if we were it would toats be a steam card for him). Then family I'll just make some half assed art that says "love you" or some other bullshit like that.

But before the Holidays I get finals. I have a speech in ERWC that I'm looking forward to, but don't have anyone to practice w/ to make sure I don't stutter, say um alot, and make sure I talk deep enough. I'll manage thou. OH! But in ALS II we're doing skits for our final and I get to punch a deaf leprechaun (aka Jacob Trosky)! Fucking yes this is gonna be hilarious! Ms. Vetter tapes the things too so it's going to be great.

So Diversity club had our end of the year party today at lunch. After Ms. Loomis asked me how things were going on at home, she seems to be the only one checking up on me, which honestly I've practically forgotten that week when I brome down and so has just about everyone else. Part of it pisses me off though, like I don't feel like enough of a special needs case already. I function perfectly fine thanks, ok that's a lie, but still. It's just all of this extra stuff and treatment I get is nice, but I'm trying to function without it, hence the suffering grades. I hate to admit it but I really do need all my accommodations. It really pisses me off though when people keep telling me "your going deaf" when I ask them to repeat what they just said. No, I have auditory processing issues, you were there when I got diagnosed. I just can't sit or stand there and comprehend what your saying, I hear the words perfectly fine, but I just can't put together what they mean. Normally to understand you I need to be doing something else, moving around or doing something with my hands, then I can understand. It's odd and weird, but thats why I hate talking on the phone too, I use body language and sometimes have to pay attention to the shapes a persona mouth is making yo understand. The crackly fuzzy voice coming over the speaker is practically incomprehensible to me. That brings me to the other problem I've been having lately, I'm not diagnosed with dyslexia but I sure as hell flip things around a lot. And lately that seems to be getting only worse, I can't even complete math problems correctly because the numbers get jumbled up and decimals and negatives float around to new places and multiplication turns into addition. It's hell. It really really is, and it keeps getting a hell of a lot worse. I'll even check over things and it will look right to me until someone points out the error. It's just... frustrating.

Also I never really realized it before but my sister is a pretty physically weak and sick person. Not in the kind of she's dying from a horrible disease, she just has a lot of issues. She's allergic to the stuff found in some medication, had an extra bone in her foot and had to have surgery cause of it, she had a really weak stomach and will throw up almost anything, is lactose intolerant, gets really sick a lot, and frequent fainting spells. All to the point of she has to sit out of P.E. on relatively warm days and seems to go the the nurses office at least once a day to lay down so she doesn't faint in the middle of class again. Man, my sisters body is fucked up, mines the wrong one and overly feminine, and everyone in my family is mentally messed up. Somethings messed up with our genes thats for sure. Thats part of the reason why I don't want biological children, I have a feeling they'll just end up just as messed up as me if not worse. But funny enough my sister says I should have kids cuz they would be cute a fuck. And ya, when I'm older I really do wanna have kids, I honestly love children. Just biological or adopted is my big issue, I mean I really want to have my own kids, but the thought of being pregnant and the fact that it would be my messed up genes they would be getting scares the living crap out of me. But hey that's life.

Anyway you don't wanna hear me talking about that shit, and I need to do home work, I'll see you after finals maybe sooner. OH! I'm not one to normally ask people to go and follow me unless they want to but I started a webcomic and it would mean the world to me if I got more subscribers. Its kinda shitty and I just started it, but this actually means a lot to me and would mean a ton if I had more subscribers. But don't subscribe just cuz I ask, I don't want a bunch of empty subscriptions simply because I asked for then, just please check it out and subscribe and share it if you like it or someone you know might. Again it would mean the world to me guys, thanks. So it's on tapastic, it's one of the handful that pop up if you type in transgender. Anyway the title of it is Trans* Boy In A Cis World (ya ya, shit tile I know) and it's by ThiefofShadows. Heres the link if you need it: Check out Trans* Boy In A Cis World
http://tapastic.com/series/7262

Till next time. :P