Confusion, FtM journal

May 18, 2014

Hello there, long time no speak.... or maybe it wasn't that long, idk. Anywho this account hath been compromised, my friend Ilsa finally found it out after I just kinda gave up on keeping it from her. Yes Ilsa if your reading this I really didn't give a shit anymore which is why you were able to get my account name. As I was saying Ilsa now knows about this account so idk if I'm gonna keep it up (even if she said she wasn't going to read this Ilsa I know your probly reading this cuz curiosity always wins out, take it from somebody who knows all too well), I probly will thou. But ya, yesterday was awesome cuz I got to go to the Maker Fair for the first time, and I must say it was fucking amazing! I got to try out the oculus rift (which if you don't know is a virtual reality headset for video games), and there were cupcake cars, a fire breathing/shooting octopus, rc drones, steampunk stuff, cosplay, a tesla stage thingy, and just so many cool things i cant name them all off!!!!! So ya, despite a bit of friendship drama which I think/hope was cleared up by the end of the trip and the sunburn I got on my shoulders, it was fucking awesome. I also hung out a bit with Merritt's 3rd grade cousin the last couple minuets of the trip, it was adorable cuz on the way back he called being seat buddies with me and treated me like a dude :D. Ya I found that I make easy friends with like elementary school boys cuz I act like such a little kid myself. I did have one really low point during the day when Helen and Ilsa were fighting but it wasn't just them getting to me, it was the fact that I thought I passed but some 6th grader me and Ilsa made friends with either thought I was a girl or weren't sure which which kinda started really bugging me at that point. I mean its not like they questioned it after I said I was a boy, and at first I didn't care you win some you loose some, but when Helen and Ilsa were rubbing each other the wrong way everything that was wrong about me just came crashing down on me in a huge wave of depression and I wont deny I fucking cried when nobody was looking. Thats about the time we were leaving and I plugged in my headphones trying to drown all my sorrows away with music and Linkin Park. Thats also about the same time that Merritt's cousin started talking to me and hanging out with me, so I decided to put on a smile, hold my head high and act happy like nothing was wrong. But ya, when Helen and Ilsa were fighting at first I was half upset half pissed at them fighting, then I was upset at them fighting, then I was just plain pissed/tiered and wanted to go 'home', which says something (grant it some other shit was going on in my head to). At one point I wanted to turn on both Helen and Ilsa and and yell at them you think I haven't delt with shit like this before, this is fucking All Saints all fucking over again so you to learn how to act civil till the end of the trip, make up, or ignore each other until we get back cuz I really don't want to fucking deal with this right now, you think you guys are the only one with mental issues, I have them too, but I know mine pale in comparison with yours after all I haven't been stupid enough to be put in a psych ward yet. Lets just say I was a little more than fed up and I'm supper glad I didn't say any of it cuz I wouldn't have really meant it and highly regretted it. It made me realize today how none of them have really seen me pissed, just fuming a little. It also made me realize how much they view me as a little kid and how much I act like one around them, I wonder how people react if I actually acted/said things I think in my head, I would be a very different person. In theory I would be who I really was, not Katharine, Kat, OR Conner, but I like being Conner he has friends who care about him and can act so carefree and childish while still being smart/intelligent. Anywho, aside from the slight hiccups Maker Fair was awesome, cool, fun, you name it! Oooooh some other awesome things that have been happening is that I've been spending more time with my Dad, still as his daughter but I'll get what I can take, he even made an attempt at learning about the oculus rift, steam punk, and the maker fair while we were hiking and he let me practice driving the Jeep for the first time and I actually didn't crash the car or suck!!!! Also on friday me and Dom hung out for a good 1hr and a half/2hrs, and it was super cool cuz we got to hang out and play Injustice Gods Among Us while talking about games and such and it was super fun! I know I'm fanboying about this way too much but Dom is now the only guy friend (aside from Dylan) who I've hung out with one on one outside of school and he's becoming a really good friend. Unfortunately it was still as Kat, but I have my hopes that I'll be able to tell him soon and he will accept me as Conner. Anyhow my headache from earlier is starting to come back so I'm gonna go now and I'll try and post some pics from maker fair when I learn how to/have the time. Also I always type these on my phone so I never know how long they are so sorry if the fluctuate (holy shit I just spelt fluctuate correctly on my first try, I'm so proud of myself!) between really long and really short, so yup. Seeya later :P