Confusion, FtM journal

6 December 2014

I'm breaking again. No surprise there. It's just all happening over again, everything I wen't through, it's happening again. What did I think it would be different? Smile, act happy, get friends, fuck it's just the same routine. I always act like everybody's bitch and I'm sick of it, thats not who I am. So fuck it, after new years I'm changing, blank slate. I'm tiered of taking crap from my parents, letting Diana treat me like shit, Ilsa and everyone else at YAC treating me like a goddamn child, people giving me uncertain looks when I try and join a conversation, and everyone treating me like I'm not worth anything. I'm done, I'll play along a little while longer, but I'm done. Over christmas break I'm going to dye my hair, get some piercings, and a new fucking attitude. I'm sick of this shit. I still can't stop shaking and I'm becoming more meek and quite at school, stuttering and all, I can't take it. It's time for me to do what I do best, detach from the past and build a new future. Except this time is going to be different, I'm not going to pretend the problems don't exist or try and be someone I'm not, I'm going to go in and untangle everything instead of covering it up. I'm gonna get back my maturity and start acting like myself, time to grow a fucking backbone. I'm freaking out to cause I'm gonna be stuck at a JC next semester and I can't handle staying in this hell hole, I need to get a job and a place, I can't stay here anymore not gonna happen. If I can't pull this off though... fuck I'm screwed. I need to start exercising and studying more, less pointless activities and more things to fix what I thoroughly screwed over. And then the minuet I get out of here, I'm Kage, I'm not screwing around again. This year... I don't know it's just been one big fuck up. Just, fuck. I think this year when my birthday comes around I'm going to refuse to celebrate it, I don't wanna hear the "happy birth day Katharine!"s or deal with the friendship drama I'm having to deal with, YET AGAIN! Look you wanna have your differences with someone, fine, just don't drag me into it unless I ask to be. I'm sick of the friendship bullshit. YOU CAN'T EXPECT PEOPLE TO BE PERFECT OR TO GET ALLONG WELL WITH EVERYONE! Fuck. Well for my bday I think I'm just gonna see about hanging out with Dylan and Dom, I think they would get along well and we can all just game together, I think that would be the best birthday ever. If I was able to juts game w/ two of my awesome friends, cuss, junk out, debate/discuss, and just hang out. Without having to deal with all the other bullshit, thats all I want for my birthday. But that's getting ahead of myself since it's in April. Regardless I wanna talk about a lot of other stuff, like how the wedding went, but I'm just not in the mood so maybe next time. Seeya.