Confusion, FtM journal

August 19, 2014

Hey guys we had our firs robotics meeting today, and it was cool cuz were starting early this year to work on a t-shirt cannon, this also means that I may possibly be incharge of teaching code to freshman on tusedays since so many people have sports. But ya, I also rejoined divirsity club this year and told Ms. Loomis the advisor I'm trans* and she gave me a book with accounts of other trans* teens wich was great and talked about me maybe helping and alumni give a speech he was talking about doing about all the gender stuff. She also asked if I was going to come out to my teachers, and well I'm debating, I mean I'm already going by Conner and told one of my teacher indirectly in a letter we had to write about and a freshman there is a trans* guy so I don't think things would be too bad, so what do you think should I go for it? Seriously comment and give me youre opinion, I could use a little guidance right now. On another note, the reason why I stopped going to Divirsity club was nonexistant time and too much drama, it was just not too great, but now it seems like the club sized down a bit and it's starting over a bit more and Ms. Loomis is stressing that we are DIVERSITY club so we need to be nice to everyone and accepting. Anywho, my mom actualy called me Conner while talking to me once, I'm not quite sure if she was actualy tring or just mocking me. See we had gone into AT&T to talk about my broken phone and the guy asked us all our names so I said Conner (it was beutiful when he called me a he before  my mom started saying she to him), well later that night when I came home she called me Conner once or twice when she sat down to talk to me about something. I honestly don't know if she was mocking me or not, I mean when I say she called me Conner you automaticly think she is trying and such, but her tone was so weird that I didn't even know she was talking to me at first. Lets just say it's been fucking with my head and just... no can we not have weird tones when saying Conner... please? Ok so another quick note, Ilsa and Diana were both over at the same time yesterday, it actualy wasn't a disaster and seemed to be getting along for a bit which made me happy, but I still know that they don't exactly like eachother so :/.  I'm not going to force them being friends though, it's ok if they don't like eachother they just have to deal with the fact that I'm friends with them, I am not dealing with a fucking Hannnah Annabell McKenna situation againg, specialy not if I'm in the Hannah position. See there was this girl Hannah who was pretty fucking popular, and both McKenna and Annabell were friends with her at one point but hated eachother and fought for who was her friend to the point of them recruiting girls from the class to join there side to practicaly go to war and lead to one of them choaking the other, ahhh elementry school (I'm talking like around 3rd grade here). I'm not saying it's going to be like that I'm just saying I don't want a situation like that, EVER, too many childhood memories. Another thing I wanna talk about is just how fucking pissed I am at myself for being a little childish shit, and pissed for being treated like a fucking 5yr old by everyone I know. I can walk across the street without getting hit on my own thank you very much. Ya I know I act childish and clueless, but I guess it's my way of making up for my childhood. A) I was a fucking little girl to everyone even thought there were so many subtle and not so hints that I didn't want to be, and it just pisses me off when I think off all the things I missd out on. B) I had to deal with highschool drama in 1st grade on. C) I was expected to be smart and mature, sure I acted like a kid alot but I feel like I had discussions with adults far more often than I talked to kids my own age (minus Dylan, duh). I just feel like I missed out on so much, we werent alowed to play tag or hide and go seek at school, arts and crafts projects had to be done well, in all plays and even small classroom skits leads whent to the richest kids. I rember doing the play Oliver and wanting to try out for Oliver because they were looking for kids around our age but was told I couldn't because I was a girl (despite everyone having to play boy orphans anyway), so I was casted as just another orphan. In small class skits I always asked for a biger part and whent beyond with costumes and such and the teachers praised me for being so creative but not allowing me to be anything more than a bee that said buzz (or something along the lines of that). When we did the Wizard of Oz it was me and other girls from my class doing a dance as the tornado when disater struck over who was going to be the last person to fall down (pathetic I know), I came up with a solution to the problem with the one person falling down last then on the last bang have us all come up and fall down so we were all the last, but no it was "too late" when I asked after rehersal (we had just made edits 15mins ago and we just had to stand up and sit down how hard would that be) and the winey girl who shouldnt have gone last but wined enought got the part because daddy was the president of a big oil company or something, it was amusing when she thought people would recognize her and go "hey that was the last girl standing in the tornado dance." when really just someone in the play barley recognized it the look of disapointment on her perfect little face. Then when we did a shakespear play I was told I could only participate in one dance because of my learning challenges and they didn't think I could keep up with the work and play practice, I ended up having to sit behind the stage in the dark cold area doing homework the whole play becase I just showed up in the begining and didn't do anything. Y'know I used to want to act and sing and be a celebraty, I love music, singing, and acting, now look at me I'm an and antisocial geek/freak who sits in the back and refuses to even sing infront of his friends. I didn't get to deal with my problems with my fists and have kid fights like most, no I had learned the art of backstabing and turning words into a sword, I had to learn mental games quicly and it fucked me up. So now I'm trying to have a childhood I guess, I'm starting over as a guy so now I have the chance to grow up all over again. I know I can't change how things inside me have been broken, twisted, and grown back wrong but now I at least have some resemblence of a chance to start over. Even as a kid I was expected to score high, you didn't get somewhere around a B and you were and idiont, a B as it was just an ok grade. So now I'm just trying to fix things I guess, so I'm sorry if I act childish, I really can be mature and take care of myslef, I just don't show it anymore, because then so much more is expected of me. Another thing I wanted to say was how I don't think I've stated yet that I'm proud to be trans* and be a member of this wonderfully diverse group, I may complain alot but that's only because I'm frustrated that people can't undrstand. See in truth I might identify as more queer and fluid if it weren't for the fact that then people would doubt my masculinity. I like using male pronouns and I am definitly more of a guy, but that doesn't mean I don't like wearing the ocasional skirt or dress, yea I haded them as a kid but I hated the fact they were ichy and that when wearing one everyone pointed at me and said girl. I'm not, I like the concept that gender is a spectrum, when I see myself on it I fall near the middle but definitly on the boy's side. I guess you could say I'm a marvolous of indigo that fluctuates. So ya there are days when I wanna wear a dress, but I can't on account of it's too feminin and I'm fighting a battle up the side of a cliff as it is. Oh something I forgot to mentions was in robotics today they called me Conner and it made me so happy, it's a small nudge but it's there, I'm so lucky to have Dom in there who is so supportive and has told me that if I ever need to just rant to someone to text him. So that it for tonight, again comment if you think I should email my teachers and come out to them, parents aren't a problem as they have said that it is up to me who I tell, so pease please give me some input. Alrighties, toodles.