Confusion, FtM journal

November 2, 2014

So obviously the last week for me hasn't been great, but I've gotten better, amazing what a bit of time at YAC and a bit of time spent gaming does for me. Well last night didn't end as flowery as my last post, instead it ended pretty crapily, parents and all, big surprise. But hey thats not what I wanted to talk about, no I wanna talk about what I haven't had time to cover since friday, or I was just trying to avoid it, either or. Well, so I was getting really depressed the last week, like the I might legitimately walk into the middle of the highway and almost did kind. So when I can't cope with this kinda thing it just gets worse, and my mom's comments and arguments with me everyday after school undid all my work of trying to fix the damage and just helped my depression progress further and faster. Friday is when things got the worst, it was the adding on of being under house arrest on Halloween even through I had swallowed my pride and was doing everything to be back in her good graces. All day I tried not to think about it, tried to shove the depression and pain out of my mind so I could get caught up in school and back on the good side of the wicked bitch of the west, it didn't work. The more i fought it the more it grew, and I couldn't stop fighting it, it sent me into numerous panic attacks and made me feel like something was torturing me from the inside ripping up everything it could get its hands on, memories, friendship, my worth, worst of all it brought flashbacks. I hadn't felt this pain since 6th grade when it nearly sent a knife through my chest. And the only way I got away from it was by leaving the source, and even then the pain lingered for the next few years, I left people and relationships behind and self destructed my emotional range because of it. After I left the source, diluted versions of the poison followed me, numbed out only by corrupting my memories and cutting off from my emotions, but it would always come and attack me at unknown moments, bringing uncontrollable flashbacks and pain. Then I found a way to escape, I picked up a pencil again and started drawing, I escaped the real world into games and comics and cartoons, I learned how to cope and put behind me the pain. I even went so far as to ignoring my rules of no meaningful human interaction, and while I was still on guard I gained friends, people who cared, I found who I was and thought I had a shot at living a good life. Then this happened. I felt the pain that had been threatening to burst free the past few years, it served as a sharp reminder why I run away, why I don't socialize, why I kill my emotions, why I pretend to be a good child, why I can never date or let people get close. I don't do these things to please others or punish myself, I do these things so somebody doesn't find my dead body somewhere, so I don't end up hurting someone. I got reminded how truly damaged and broken inside I am, and why I need to stay the fuck away from people I care about. It hurts too, cuz I don't wanna live alone, but I don't wanna have this happen to me again either. Whenever something like this happens it's like hitting the reset button, soon as I leave the area or source I start over, I stop trying to drag most things from my past into my present and simply let then go. All I know is that I'm lucky this only lasted a week and it only got that bad for one day, I honestly don't know if I could handle if for any longer. Well, ya, thats what happened I guess, I gtg nw. See y'all.