Confusion, FtM journal

April 18, 2014/April 19, 2014

Well today was kinda shitty at first. I woke up early at my friend Helen's house to find everyone still asleep in her bed (I was on the floor atop of 2 mattress thingys cuz Helen's bed only fits 3 and... well... I'm a dude), and since I was still 2/3 asleep it wasn't too hard to fall back a sleep. But I have this weird thing if when left to wake up on my own I will keep waking up and falling asleep, so I was awake when Merritt left and then at some point Sophia slipped out as well (which I didn't realize and left me VERY confused at one point), and well... Helen was still asleep. So by the time I actually wake up I don't quite know what to do cuz Helen's still asleep, Merritt had left, and I was confused as to wether or not Sophia was still there or had left. And of course by now I'm wired awake with no chance of falling back asleep, and I feet awkward trying to wake anyone up, let alone my friends
who are mostly all girls at their house. So I kinda sat there for a while fiddling on my phone and trying to force myself to fall back asleep among some other things. By the time Helen wakes up she consumes herself with fanfic (cant blame her) and pays no attention to me, also I had been ignoring the texts and phone calls my mom had sent me telling me I had to come home at some point to get some homework done (none of which was actually ever touched today). So eventually me and Helen exchange a couple of words and agree its a good idea for my mom to come and pick me up at this point (I was bored out of my fucking mind and didn't want to risk ticking off my mother). So I text my mom telling her that I had just woke up and needed a ride. Well I get in the car and y'know how I was saying that things were looking up between us with the whole understanding thing, ya no. I mean she seemed nice enough yesterday, she even apologized for not putting Conner on the cake she made me take to YAC (of course I now realize that it was probly a farce to look like a wonderful mother in front of my friends, or she was just being nice cuz it was my bday). But today was different, just all the subtle comments made by her, I mean I don't even fucking care if she didn't mean to and apologized extensively, it was not fun and I had to resist punching her in the face. But ya, we stopped by a coffee shop were I got breakfast then proceeded to go home where I would "do some homework", which as you know didn't happen. No, instead I decided to dick around on my phone and piss of my nightmare of a mother. But to be fair I really wasn't in that frame of mind, y'know when you cant seem to concentrate on ANYTHING. So I decide to go up and take a shower to wake myself up and change for YAC. By the time I'm dressed I go and impatiently wait in the car for my charming mother to pick up my friend Chase and take us to YAC. See normally I would just have Ilsa drive me and be spared the car trip with my mother, but I had a friend from school in tow who wanted to join YAC and take a look around, so I had no other choice (well I could have just made her take the bus but I figured I'd be best if she just came with me). The award part, she doesn't know I'm trans* the joys!!! I mean I forewarned her (as in like 20 minuets before we picked her up) that people called me Conner there, but still. To be honest though I hung out with her, Diana, and a couple others in the beginning of the year when Diana would constantly say that in the future she could see me just becoming a fulltime dude and wutnot. Also she offered to call me Conner too which made me super happy. Anyway when I got to YAC it was a little awkward cuz Helen who starts all the conversations wasn't there and Chase was tagging along with me and my awkward butt. But it was cool and Chase is now probly going to join YAC which I'm supes excited for, but also means I have to come out to her sooner than later. After that she went home on the bus and I piled into Ilsa's car with Chloe, Katia (I am so sorry if I spelled your name wrong Katia, I suck at spelling), and Ilsa of course. Anyway my day (night/afternoon really) truly became awesome when we the proceeded to my house (by "house" and "home" I mean place where I sleep most days of the week and where all my shit is kept, nothing more) where Helen and my friend Dylan where going to meet us so we could head down to the beach to have a bonfire to celebrate my bday (which if you read the last entry you would know wasn't today but yesterday). So we arrived at my house to find that my mother and the dog had disappeared and that the house was deserted (huzzah!). So I turned on Netflix and gave the controller to Ilsa who ended up putting on Young Justice (another Huzzah!), while I was laughing at the fact that Dylan had gotten lost and then found out my mom ran into him and showed him and his mom where to go. So when the merry party arrives I am put in charge of the dog as my mother talks to Mrs. Bird and I lead Dylan inside. I was super siked when he said he could come cuz A) I hardly get to see him and he hardly ever texts me back (were talking about once in a blood moon here) B) He is the only one of my few guy friends who knows I'm trans, the rest still think I'm a girl C) I have known him since 1st grade and is one of the few numbered people who I genuinely care about and would actually be affected if he disappeared from my life. So as we walk in he hands me a present which my reaction to is wow he actually payed attention to the fact that it was my bday and that it was really nice of him while thinking he didn't have to do that. Then I see its pink, and I mean REALLY pink.... well fuck me. Anyway I had the slight hope that it was something he actually got me but I know better and thats not really who he is... I think, but anyway I'm pretty sure it was his mom because both his parents have been super sweet since I was a kid and have ALWAYS looked out for me. But ya, especially after opening it when every one left and it contained a bunch of girls cloths, I am 99% positive it was Mrs. Bird cuz thats just the type of person she is and I love her for it but.... no, I was seriously trying not to puke as I unwrapped these things. Which is a real shame cuz its some really pretty clothing, which I think I at least owe it to them to wear it at leas once, I mean I would have no issues going out in drag if it didn't provide everyone with more ammo to say how I'm not trans*. Anywho when we walk in we walk in on Ilsa and Katia doing ballet things, and well that was interesting. After I calmed Ilsa down multiple times and Helen eventually arrived we packed up and headed down to the beach. I of course rand down into the "freezing cold" water there and dunked my self as expected while everyone else tried to start the fire. As the night when on we joked, played games, laughed, ate pizza, and drank soda. I can say that my past 2 bday parties have been the best ever and its a tie between them cuz in this one I had a bunch of my friends gathered together hanging out on the beach celebrating it as Conner's bday, and last year it was me, Dylan, Helen, and Diana and we broke the revolving door at CPK cuz we kept going around and around in it so we fled the scene and blamed it on Helen :P. Anyway when we went down we split up into to groups, Helen and Ilsa rode in the car, the rest of us walked. Anyway before we truly went down we stopped by Bruno's which is this little market that has sodas and stuff and is the one of the like 3 places you can actually afford to buy shit from. Anyway of course while were in there we run into Diana and that gets a bit awkward 'specially since helen said that we were celebrating Conner's bday to which she responded oh right your doing that thing (she was referring to the name if you didn't understand). Anyway she was with this guy from the highschool (he's pretty cool) and she was probly a bit stoned (maybe more than a bit). Anyway I said something and since I'm with Helen and Dylan right now I have shredded the whole I'm and innocent little dork facade I now use heavy sarcasm and am outspoken, anyway I say something shes not thrilled with what I said she decides to use my birth name (not even the nickname that is used to shorten my longass name) in this matter of fact tone. Which pissed me off and reminded me as to why I'm not getting along with her, cuz she KNOWS but wants me to stay a girl cuz she like the girl better. So ya, that was fun. Anyway after everyone left except for Dylan we got out my 3ds and he showed me how to play lunatic mode for Fire Emblem Awakening. The strategy for the first few chapters: send Fredric out with a support so he can kill everyone, and send the rest of your units to go and sit in the corner if shame out of the enemies path so they don't get 1 hit KOed. So ya that was my shitty turned fucking awesome day.

// Ok so since I fell asleep last night while writing this I had to finish it up this morning, also I have some other things today so I'm just going to make an extra super long post and add in this mornings journal too so I can talk about some other stuff that isn't how my day went.

Ok so this post I'm just kinda gonna talk about shit I have on my mind and just some thing that have happen that I forgot to mention. First off at some point in the past couple weeks I got an ace bandage cuz my binder is beginning to fade and I don't have the money to get a new good one (technically I do but it is in my ps4 fund which I refuse to touch cuz thats all I wanted for my bday) also I'd have to order it online which isn't happening anytime soon with my parents I don't think. So ya I tried using it and it still leaves a pretty noticeable lump and hurts like hell. So I've decided it's a last resort thing cuz there hella unhealthy too. But ya, I wore it swimming in ocean with my friend once cuz I didn't wanna harm my binder further plus it was dirty, but since I had no safety pins it unraveled quickly and I was stuck w/ tits, which (thank the gods!) weren't that noticeable in my minion tank top. So yup I had to spent the trip to the car with my arms crossed truing to hide THEM. Also on a quick side not me, Ilsa, and others were at what we like to call seal beach, and me and Ilsa have found that whenever we get in the water there together the seals come
scary close. And it doesn't help they keep coming closer each trip, no joke last time one appearified behind me a foot away, so I might die of being mauled to death by a seal one of these days. So I now swim in my binder again and I just hope it can hang on for a while longer or I learn how to make my own. Anyway onto the main topic/issue. The big that has been bugging me lately is how I've have a decent number of friends, but the vast majority of them are girls. Now I'm not saying that anything is wrong with girls, and I'm one of the last people to care about somebody's gender, but they start talking about makeup, and hair, and clothing, and perfumes/shampoos, and how they don't look like how they want to, and fuck I just sit there awkwardly not saying anything. And out of the 4 to maybe 6or7 guy friends that I have only one knows I'm not a girl and I hardly get to hang out/speak to any of them. Also I have no trans* friends, and I know it sounds selfish but I wish I at least knew one other guy like me cuz my friends try to understand but just cant grasp some things. Which is fine there doing the best they possibly can, but is it so wrong to want to talk to one person who gets where your coming from??? Anyway I better go the wicked which of the west is calling me to go pack up so we can leave for Fresno and Easter (bluh, I'm agnostic thank you very much, and if I weren't I'd be pagan), at least I have guy clothing and a tie for it. And fuck there yelling blody murder at me, I'll try and add in a filler later to try and cover what I'm missing, seeya.