Confusion, FtM journal

Fuck it (2-2-15)

Fuck it I have to post again because suprise mood shift. At least I'm feeling something right???

Anyway I am sick and fucking tiered of people coming to me saying "you hit the genetic jackpot". No. Just fucking no. I don't give 2 fucking damns if I hit the jackpot for girls, that just makes the situation I'm in WORSE not better. I'd rather be a chubby, ugly little shit with a dick than have to deal with being a beautiful girl. So to all the people complaining to me about how they arn't skinny enough and how I'm so lucky. STOP!!! I can't take it anymore, every god damn day I feel like I have to prove myself. My voice isn't deep enough, I constantly have a uni-boob, I'm too short, and I just look ultra feminine. So no I don't need the comments on how I look, I don't need people reminding me that I have a uni-boob I can see it just fine myself, I don't care if I'm laughing it off like some joke and telling you that it's ok if you screw up pronouns IT REALLY FUCKING HURTS. Damn am I dealing with some bad dysporia right now, I just want to curl up and cry but I can't... I just fucking can't. Everything feels lost, hopeless. I have to wait till I'm 18 to do jack squat, and even then I doubt I'll have the money. It just really really hurts right now and I really can't deal with the comments and bullshit I get regularly put through... I just can't. Even when people like Paige are trying to be supportive by showing me pics of guys 3yrs on t, it honestly just makes me more depressed. Like I just can't handle it right now, I just fucking can't. Just right now I want that deep voice, that's all I want. It's killing me right now that I don't have it. And I have TRIED to fake it, to coach myself into a new one, but it still remains sky high. Every day I feel the estrogin in my body slowly destroying and caroding any chance I have at a normal life and it's killing me. I know people have issues with the health risks and all ('specialy family), but all honestly I'll taks a very small chance in developing cancer over being hit by a car on the way to school, cuz that's were I'm headed at this rate. No I don't need a pep talk, I don't need the it will be ok in the end speach, I need something to happen NOW for some fucking progress to be made, or I'm going to end up dead before I graduate.

I gotta go.