I'm really afraid I'm going to go off the edge. Like, scared shitless. I was practically there and jumping off not long ago, and it just keeps happening. I mean I know I'm gonna snap, thats an inevitable fact I've always known, but now I've gotten near a good thing I don't wanna snap. I've gotten so many things I thought I'd never had, I've gotten glimpses of true happiness and now I don't wanna let it go. Just, fuck. I'm scared, I had a plan and back up plans and back up plans for the back up plans and so on for the future, 'm still goin through 'em but I'm not prepared. I'm not prepared to face the world, I'm a freak to it and they know it. Fuck, I'm afraid of what might happen in the years to come, being trans* and who I am, its beginning to sink in how much of a real danger it is. I live in a fucking bubble so other than a few odd looks and misgendering I'm fine, people move on, but when I'm out in Monterey or at MPC, just out of this perfect bubble, I start to realized how much danger I'm in. How if I date anyone I have to paste a disclosure sign on my chest, and how I have to watch my back around people I've just met. Before I did all that just as a precaution, I didn't really think I was gonna get hurt, but since coming out and hearing the stories my viewpoint changed. I'm scared. I have to face the real world next year and I don't know whats going to happen to me. It honest to the gods terrifies me.
On another not me and Merritt are gonna hang out tomorrow and marathon stuff w/ Ian and idk if anyone else is coming. It's weird, I don't quite know what to consider Merritt. I mean she's a friend for sure, just we don't talk much outside of YAC or unless Helen's there. Sigh, maybe it's just me being awkward. Oh well, I should go. Last finals tomorrow, wish me luck!
YOU ARE READING
Confusion, FtM journal
AcakI cut my hair short cuz I wanted it to be like a guys. But everyone still told me I looked pretty. I bought a binder only for cosplay. I ended up wearing it every day. I am a boy. So why does everyone see a girl...
