Confusion, FtM journal

23 January 2015

I am both very happy and very upset at the same time. I have almost everything I wanted, I have a social life and look to be moving on in my plans. I plan on continuing robotics, keeping my chin up, getting a part time job to pay for transition in a little more than a year, maybe I'll open an etsy account and find a way to sell things fore some extra cash. Oh I told you I saw Ilsa right? Well I got to see her yesterday after a long ass time and it was great, I gave her her gift and she loved it, I'm so glad. She got me a knew binder too, it's a bit big to be honest, but it's' much nicer than my old one (though I will still use it for other things like exercising when I get around to it). And I dropped off Jo's present today which she both loves and wants to murder me for (totally nailed it). Anyway she gave me my gift a while back and it was so great, I loved it. The gifts Ilsa and Jo gave me for the holidays I think are the best gifts I've ever gotten, they weren't so much materialistic as they were... heartfelt. At least that's how I see it. So why are things bad? I mean there is the usual parents not doing shit and worrying about future funds and safety, what with being trans and transitioning, but I've made pretty good peace with that. No, it's the mundaneness of it all, the feeling of numbness. When I was alone I felt emotions, pain mostlly, but I felt alive. And I had a goal, a clear cut goal in mind and the drive to achieve it, now I'm unmotivated while both being happy and depressed at the same time. It's an odd feeling... felling both full to the brim and utterly empty at the same time. Well whatever, enough of that dark depressing shit, I'm moving forward and holding my own.
Oh! I started this jar to collect funds for transitioning, has $20 so far, not much but somethin. I'm hoping to have it filled with as many $100 bills as possible by the time I turn 18, I sure hope so.

Anyway, I should go now, it's late and I have shit to do. Seeya :P