Confusion, FtM journal

April 17, 2014

I just wanna start off this post by saying how much I love my friends. I may not always show it but in my mind they are my family, not my parents or sister or cousins. Also today is my bday, and well its been nice cuz its been minimal attention and just hanging out with friends, even if my mom did make me take a cake into YAC where everyone sung to me. One thing that Ilsa and Marcia have kept telling me is that there glad that I was born and am alive. And as nice as it is that people feel that way, I'm not. I don't want to be alive right now, then again I don't wanna die either if it means that I'm stuck in some sort of afterlife or am reincarnated. It's more like I don't wanna exist anymore, I just want it to end. To not have to think, to feel, to juggle everything going on around me, I'm tiered of acting like some worthless zombie in order to work towards an impossible goal. I don't know, I just wanna start transitioning so I can prove to myself that life is worthwhile. Speaking of which I get to go to my first counciling session on Wednesday, I don't know what to expect but hopefully it will help me work towards my goal sooner than later. Also my mom seems to be warming up to the idea more which is good, but even though I have my doubts about completely ditching my family and starting completely over I'm still at least leaving them for the most part, maybe they'll get a phone call or visit once a year but I just cant be a member of this family anymore. In my mind they are the people who raised me and who I grew up with, but I cannot call them my family, not anymore. Anywho I think thats it for now. Oh! Before I forget I was thinking of writing a story 'bout two identical twins whose genders are switched, so hopefully that doesn't go south. So, ummmm, ya. Welp I'm gonna attempt to draw some stuff, seeya.