Confusion, FtM journal

July 4, 2014

I hate waking up in the morning. I hate it cuz I have to come out of my dreams and into reality. Even if I have a shitty dream or a nightmare I'd take it over being awake. Like this morning for example, it was just a normal dream (if dreams can be considered normal) but waking up was hell despite having the house to myself. I think the biggest reason is cuz tits, I normly just sleep in some boxers or trunks at night cuz I overheat easily and I guess it just gives me a sense of normalcy. Anyway that leaves me w/ the giant globs of fat to contend with in the morning unfortunately along with a sense of hopelessness. I guess that my dreams are my safe place no matter how scary as shit they get, one of my dreams even involved my mom shooting my dad in the head then chasing down me and my sister who she successfully caught then sent after me. Anyway I don't really have a physical safe place that I can go and cry in or somebody who really gets where I'm coming from so I'm left with my head. I mean I have some supportive friends and all but I just really want that one guy friend who gets trans* issues and I don't feel bad for ranting to then, y'know like someone who you can just run up to and hug when your having a bad day and is just their and helps support you, I don't really have that. I mean theirs Ilsa and Helen but they both have their own issues so they aren't always their and I feel bad for burdening them not to mention but their girls so not trying to be sexist but they just don't get it... ALOT, then I have Dom and Dylan but their both straight guys who have no fucking clue how to deal with it it seems, I mean their there for me a lot and their both fuckin awesome they just don't really know how to deal with the issues I have y'know? Anyway I had a total moment yesterday and spilled to Ilsa some of the shit that's been in my life yesterday cuz I was too tired to keep pretending and her and Helen caught me at a low point, I felt like shit after cuz saying the problems I was having to her just made them seem like little blips on the radar of shit cuz they don't quite understand how being called 'buch' is something that can ruin your whole entire fucking week. So theirs that. Also I'm an idiot. I looked through my mom's journals and shit today cuz nobody was home, I've done it before and it makes me sick every time. I don't know what I expect to find I mean I can hardly read her writing anyway. But this time I found one of her journals and an entry that talked about me. I think it was from around the time that I was dating Brian cuz it mentioned how she was happy that I was growing into beautiful self confident woman and how I had a man in my life who could show me how strong I was or some shit as well as a crossed out section talking about how I wasn't influenced by others anymore. I have NEVER read something so full of bullshit before. This sounds like some doting mother from the 1800s looking for a husband for her charming daughter, modern my ass. I can not express how sick to my stomach I felt after reading that paragraph of crap. I also found my coming out letter stuffed in there halfway stapled shut, geee thanks mom. It just sickens me to think I used to listen to that piece of shit and think that she was a honest, loving, caring, wonderful mother. Anyway so it is 4th of July so their is celebrating to be done right? Well to be honest I'm not that patriotic of a guy and would rather sleep all day, but I went over to my neighbors for the block party for a bit and hung out their with a bunch of adults, the only 2 other kids were really little. So ya, that was that I talked a bit about my future and college and stuff, I was still a girl, and I got offered beer which I turned down. Ya, I really didn't expect the last one I thought he was joking at first, but nope. I guess he thought that cuz I was a teen who goes to Carmel High I drink? I don't know either way he came up asking if I wanted a beer I said no thinking it might be a joke or test, then he asks if my dad wouldn't allow it I said yeah, then he asked if my dad would get pissed so I said probably, so then he says ok then something along the lines f I didn't say anything. I mean he's a nice enough guy so it wasn't like he was being shady or anything, just asking if I wanted a beer. Anyway if it had been something where I wasn't worried about getting in trouble with my dad or if he said something along the lines of 'this isn't a test and nobody will ever know' (y'know without it sounding sketchy like that) I might have said yes. Because I'll admit, I'm pretty damn curious as to what it tastes like. Gasp! That's right I'm a teen who hasn't gad a drop of alcohol outside of the minute sips I got as a kid due to curiosity, I'm an endangered species! Hahaha, ya but no I haven't had a drop alcohol since I was a kid and my mom let me have a sip of her wine to which I though tasted 'yicky'. This is partially due to my parents regulations, partially due to I'm not stupid and am a member of the endangered species of teen who doesn't see the point of drinking and getting drunk, and a lot cuz I know that theirs a pretty large chance that I might get addicted. See I've known for a while that I have an extremely addictive personality. How? It takes a lot for me just to stand around second hand smoke and alcohol without asking if I can join in, and I've NEVER touched the stuff before. It's fuckin hard too, their are so many days that I wish I had the means to get my hands on a cigaret and get drunk/wasted/stoned, whatever you call it. Anyway right now I'm typing this while listening to my neighbors at the block party do 'horse races' while my dog goes ballistic on the deck cuz he trekked through poison oak when he an my dad when hiking so he has to stay outside away from all the people. Anywho tomorrow is Dylan's bday so I wanna get him a prez and do something for him, but I don't know what and I'm kinda sorta broke. I mean I wanna get him some steam cash then maybe hang out, but again I'm broke and it's near freakin impossible to get a hold of him. Anyway I'm gonna end it here and watch the Tale of Despereaux. Seeya :P