Confusion, FtM journal

August 17, 2014

I have a husband! Lol, so y'know when you joke around with a friend going this person is my husband or such, yup that happened. So I met this really cool guy, Nathan, at YAC whos gender queer, so there like an FtM but they don't identify as trans* I don't believe, Doc kinda intrupted our discusion about it and was a dick going off about 'I'm tiered of people repeatedly saying I'm gay or I'm transgender and repeatedly telling me about it' so he and Nathan get into a debate about it to which at one point I just go Doc we weren't talking to you. Doc could be a really cool guy if he wern't such an ass and a jerk 95% of the time, but not the point. Anyway so me and Nathan became like instant friends and declared I was now his husband, yaaaaay *laughs*! I mean it's just sooooo nice to now be able to hang out wigh someone who gets exactly where youre coming from, internet friends are great and all and I love my internet friends but it's nice to be able to be standing next to the person having a conversation, and it's not that I don't love my friends for dealing with my ramblings about being trans* it's just they aren't ever going to ever fully know what it feels like and that a ok, it's just nice being able to hang out with another guy who gets it. So aside from that I got over Diana, crazy I know right things like that shouln't happen that quickly, but I've been working on it for a while now and truth be told I always liked us better as friends. I never quite knew where we stood, I mean we aren't exactly "normal" friends, were intimate to the point of people who pass us on the street think we are dating, but I wouldn't want it any other way. I will always be confused as shit by her, but hey I may get girls more than a cis-guy but I still don't understand them, and that's fine it makes me feel more normal. Speaking of feeling more "normal" I was hanging out with Helen and Ilsa yesterday and had a hella ton of fun with them, it's sad that Helen leaves soon but I know she'll do great at Oxbow and have a great time, I'll miss her though. Anywho so I got pretty tierd out fast and got really sleepy at one point, and whenever I get sleepy I always get way more emotional for some reason it sucks and I have to always bottle it in, so we were at Save Mart or something and I ended up getting depressed because of a couple of things. One I never pull my weight, I keep noticing that whenever were out I never do much to help out with stuff, I feel like the dead weight friend and want to help  more but can't or doesn't know how to. The second reason was for some reason there were a few different groups of teenage guys who came into the store too, it just made me feel shit about how even though the looked like douchbags and a-holes I was jelouse of them, I wanted to be one of them. They all got to stand around hanging out like regular teenage guys, I love my friends but sometimes I wish I could take a break from being different and just be your typical idiot teenage guy who does stupid stuff with his friends, not the trans* guy who runs around with his friends with dyed hair swinging swords and watching netflix, it's fun and all I just wish I had a little more avrage in my life. Ok so I also had a panic attack a couple nights ago about college and I realized how much I HAVE to get in to USC or I'm screwed, I can't stand another year here, I just can't be around my mom anymore. I wouldn't put it past myself to pitch myself off a cliff if I have to spent another year here. I jsut want to start over, clean slate, but this isn't a videogame and there are no do-overs the past is always going to affect me and I can't just sever the relationships I've made. So on another not I almost lost it, the same night actualy, and I got the reminder of haha your insane or did you forget? Sigh, I nearly lost it, it took so much for me to keep in what I try to forget. I walk around thinking that who I am is simply who everyone else knows me to be, just a litlle less nice on the inside, but then the thing buried deep iside of me surfaces and I'm reminded how much of a lie I live. It's weird because it's like there are two diffeent part of me that are melded together and conected, but are like oil and water they just don't mix. It's absolutly infuryating, it drives me insane just thinking about it. But I have no one to blame but myslef for all my fucked up mental problems, after all I was the dumb elementry school kid who said 'hey lets mess around with the way we think and process things and see what happens", I was always a fucked up kid but I decided to go off and fuck myslef even more. So now I'm even more fucked up than I would have been, yippe. I've also noticed that being trans* might have been my saving grace, I constantly think of what if I had been born a cis-guy, well I know one things for sure I definitly woldn't be as good at controling myself and keeping myself in check as I am now. It's hard to explain and I'd rather not so I'm not going to. Anyway I have homework to go and do so I'll see you guys next post.