Confusion, FtM journal

October 11, 2014

So you finished the SAT today! How o you feel?! Accomplished? Relived? Excited? I mean you think you did pretty well right? Maybe not top 1% like you hoped, but high enough up there. And things are going well in you're personal life too am I right? I mean you and you're dad have been doing good, you an you're sister are finally connecting like you used to, you can even have a conversation with your mom and enjoy yourself for a bit. Things may not be perfect but there good right? You have a social life at school, have all A's a B and only 2 F's which you can easily bump back up to A's and B's during this week long break. You get to work on getting you're learners permit, fill put college apps, turn 17 in April. And today you got to go back to YAC after a long absence and see Ilsa and Helen and everyone! You and Helen even got to hang out all tonight watching Gotham and My Little Pony. Hell you're family has been treating you like the good smart kid like back when you were a small child, and you're happy, talk more, do fun things. You've got a good life again. Things are going well for you. You're mom isn't even being super picky about the gender thing, she may not see you for you, but hey at least she's still here right? Things are so good right now. So how do you feel?

...

......

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I feel tiered and empty.

Like all the life's been sucked out of me.

I'm starting to go numb again.

It's like when I'm around people I soak up whatever emotion they're feeling, especially happiness, then when they leave it's all ripped away leaving nothing behind. I feel so fake and plastic, like I'm running towards a goal that other people want for me. Just more standardized tests, cramped rooms packed with bodies, just moving with the flow of meat sacks shoved down the isle. I'm sick of the 'heres a test, fill in the answers, well get back to you on how you're future goes in 3-5 business weeks'. I'm tiered of ignoring sideways glances, and playing dumb about how people feel. I'm just tiered of life and living. But don't worry I'm not gonna go and off myself, I won't allow myself to do that, no I force myself to keep fighting. Does it make me brave that I suck up my feelings and push forward on my own? I don't know, other people seem to think so. All I know is I'm tiered. I just want someone to hold me as I go to sleep, for someone to tell me it's all gonna be ok, that their proud of me, that I'm worth a damn. I'm so tiered of having to fight for my right to survive, for my right to be called smart, for my opinion to matter, for my life to mean something. All I want is what everyone else wants: human contact, love, appreciation, to be worth something, to be respected, to make people proud, to make a difference. I wan't to be seen for ME. I don't know.

Anyway sorry to be in a such bum mood. On another note:

HAPPY INTERNATIONAL COMING OUT DAY!!!!!!

I hope the pic I posted actually loaded cuz I think it's funny as hell and is beautiful.

Well I'm gonna get some sleep then wake up in the morning, hold my chin up, and push forward. Night everyone. Love y'all, and stay safe.