Confusion, FtM journal

September 21, 2014

Hey guys so I'm doing a lot better, I meant to update sooner but sleep has been consuming my life. So what happened the day after I posted? Well I put my Doom hoddie on with the hood on and tried to ignore everyone. I was in a very muddled emotional state and just didn't want to deal with any crap, at the same time I just wanted someone to realize that things were shit cuz the last time I wore that sweatshirt with the hood up was in freshman year when I wanted to be anywhere but that campus. That was back when I had virtually no friends minus a few and my past had just come out to start attacking me again. Back when I wore that jacket a bunch was when I was learning how to stand and run again, it was both a very good and very bad time. Regardless thou, lets just say when I wear that jacket and act the way I was people tend to stay out of my way and don't associate with me at school. I was kinda a mess, and nobody ever seems to want to deal with me when I am. Plus when I get in that mood I resort back to my stupid tests to see if anyone really cares. Oh ya, I don't think I've talked about that yet have I? Well I used to do this thing where I never really told people how I was feeling and pretended that things were ok saying that if people really gave a shit about me the would be able to recognize it on their own and do something. There were other stupid tests I did around people for a while too, all stupid stuff to see if people really cared or not. Nobody ever passed. Not for the longest time, I had to drop big hints an purposely alter the way I looked and acted for people to start getting an inkling, I guess I made the tests to hard... or something. Maybe I just ignored an pushed away the people who could see through my petty act, after all back then I kinda didn't want real friends, I was convinced all real friends did was get you hurt and give you another weakness. So ya, all I know about that time was out of all the people who could never pass the most notable was my mother, who I could go into her room after crying and she wouldn't be able to tell the difference, she still can't. I wanted to start laughing at her when I did get depressed and put up my hoddie on friday cuz she said you can always tell when you get in a mood because you wear a hood that covers your face. I both wanted to laugh and punch her in the face cuz she said it so matter of factly, like she was so clever and perceptive. How sad is that? Ok I wear hoods when I'm not depressed A, B I only wear a jacket and hood and act the way I did on friday when I'm to the point of breaking down at every corner and I just want somebody to notice and hold me or just do something other than 'AHA! You're feeling depressed right now! See what a great perceptive mother I am!', go shove it up you're ass mom you only ever notice stuff when its shoved into your face (sometimes even not then cuz you're so fucking dense) or you have tiny epiphanies that last about 10 minuets before you go back to your bullshit. Ok back to friday. So the few people who acknowledged my existence were Dom, Nick, Ms. Mettler, Joey, Ms. Vetter,and Diana (this is at school only, I'm not counting YAC cuz YACs YAC). The only people who really picked up that something was wrong and confronted me about it was Nick, Ms. Mettler, Ms. Vetter, and Diana. Dom doesn't count cuz I only passed him in the hallway on my way to class where we said Hi, so it's not like he should have noticed. Then Joey just texted me during study hall instead of coming up to me so haha no he doesn't count, plus him sending me cheesy jokes on my phone is normal. Ms. Mettler and Ms. Vetter all I had to do was say I was tiered for them to leave me alone, though I don't think Ms. M bought it she probly just thought it was me getting into a slump with school. It's pretty sad that all I have to do with most people I know is tell them I'm really tiered when I'm depressed and they get off my case and buy into it. Then when it came to Nick I had him first and Brook wasn't there so we partnered up for the cpr stuff. He seemed to pick up on it right away and tried to cheer me up with jokes and what not involving the creepy manakin we have to use, I mean even when I told him I was just tiered the guy just didn't let up. I guess thats what I like about Nick, the fact that we aren't really close friends or anything but we can have a conversation and crack jokes together. I was kinda surprised he was one of the people to notice though, but thats Nick for you I guess. It sucks cuz he still doesn't know I'm trans thou, it sucks and I know I should tell him but I don't exactly have practice in the coming out verbally department, it comes out all garbled and unsure. Anywho so that was that. Then seventh I had Diana and of course I'm not gonna pull one over on her, hell I stopped trying a while ago, I mean occasionally I'll try but it tends to fall through pretty quick. Anyway after class she said please don't die, which kinda shocked me and I asked her why and then she said I looked like death. Yup, having a dark green doom hoddie, my face being pale as fuck, and having just eaten a purple popsicle probably didn't help my case that I didn't. So I spilled just saying things were shit and that every shitty thing just kinda came crashing down the night before. Diana being Diana hugs and me tells me don't die otherwise who else will I have to mooch video games off of. I don't know why I feel so comfortable talking to her about stuff like this, why I don't try to hide it from her better, knowing she can and will use it against me if she wants to. She hit's below the belt when it comes to fights, I've seen it happen, so why am I comfortable telling her shit she can throw back in my face? I don't fucking know. There are only a few other people I feel comfortable talking to about my problems and thats my Brother, Dylan, Helen, and Ilsa. Everyone else I give the watered down it's no big deal version. I mean I've tried to do the same with those guys but the just give me this look of spill now or else or call me out on my bullshit. So ya, after I went home and just wanted to crash but Helen was visiting from boarding school, well that fell through when my mom said 2 minuets to get in the car cuz you're sis has piano. Nobody had texted me, nobody seemed to care and I was in such a shitty asshole mood I decided to stay home and not rush out the door, I was to tiered after the long day. Well Helen then texted me, and I felt like an ass just sitting there watching anime, so the minuet my mom got home with my sister I hoped in the car and headed to YAC. I don't regret it, I may have still felt like crap but I whenever I'm at YAC things get so much better and Helen was there. Gods I missed Helen so fucking much, she hugged me and wouldn't let go, and I didn't want her too. Her art has improved so much, she's a super fucking good artist, I wish I could draw that well. Her friend Katie was with her too. I like Katie, she supper nice and funny, she's just fun to hang out around. Anyway I saw Ilsa too who asked me where I had been and that she missed me, which was weird to me, I hadn't been missing from YAC for a week, yet Ilsa acted like it had been a long time. It was weird, seeing Ilsa and Helen after being consumed with school. It was weird thinking people could miss me. When I got home not much happened outside of me going to bed. It's been weird, I've been able to pass out and not wake up. Thats not normal, I almost never get sleep. Worst is it felt like I was being sucked into the past, the feeling when I started to wake up, the tingling all over my body, the sounds of parents talking softly, the vivid odd dreams filled with excitement, it took me back to when I was a kid. It hasn't stopped yet either, I'm expecting it to tomorrow thou cuz I have school and wont be able to sleep in. It just makes me feel.... weird... out of it. Anyway yesterday I got up and went to Mary's for SAT math prep, I have the test in a few weeks and am not prepared at all. She lectures me again on how this stuff beats out things like YAC and visiting friends back from boarding school for a short time after my mom said I had wanted to cancel at one point because Helen was here. I love Mary but sometimes I just want to hit her for saying such stupid things. It made me realize how much I've changes since 8th grade when I though friends were useless and that if it was between them and climbing the latter, go with the latter you can always get new friends if they decide to leave you. Man I got so fucked up after all my friends ditched me, I decided to be cold and hard, that I would close off my heart to anyone else other than those whom I could not get rid of. From then on it was out of sight out of mind. It's why if I don't see a person of frequently talk about or with them then they fade from memory, well thats how it used to be. People have a funny way of worming in through your defenses. Like Helen and Ilsa, I would do anything to keep myself from forgetting them or leaving them behind. I often try and run from them because at one point or another I think they would be better off without me, but I can never run far before I run back. To me they are family now, I'd do anything to make them happy. So anyway after Mary's I went home and played Mirrors Edge until my mom drove me over to Helens where I hung out with Katie and Helen. I was smiling so much my face hurt by the time I got bak home. I had so much fun with the two of them. It's insane, if you went back in time and told the child version of myself that when I grew up into a boy and had a bunch of friends who where girls, he might believe the boy part but no way in hell do I think he would believe that the number of trustworthy female friends would weigh out his male ones. But who knows. I think as long as the people who you are with care about you gender shouldn't play a huge role. I mean yes it will always play one, males and females are built differently, but that doesn't mean we should separate completely based on that. Anyway we talked about me going up and visiting oxbow during halloween cuz I don't have anything to do and it would be awesome to hang out with the two of them again. Anyway there's something that isn't as upbeat as the rest of this post is that I need to talk about. Yes, wicked bitch of the west swoops in to ruin the day yet again! No, it was on the way to Helen's this happened, I mean she shat on my happiness on the way back too but on the way there I just supper pissed at her idiocy and ignorant remarks. Somehow my binder came into topic and I talked about how I needed a new one and what not cuz I only get to wash mine once a week which she was disgusted by. So I told her fine do you want me to start wearing ace bandages? She said i it meant washing my binder more often or something which made me want to strangle her. I told her that ace bandages are dangerous and can crack your ribs, she said well if you wrap them to tight, I tried to explain the health risks better but then just lost my words. Then she made the comment of how she didn't understand how someone so logical could be doing something so illogical and didn't make any sense and harm their body like that. That hurt, not cuz it came from her but because I took a blow to my pride over my intelligence, she directly insulted it in the worst way possible. I know people say I smart, I know I deny it, I know I'm intelligent but I also know I'm over praised, so a blow at my intelligence is nothing I would usually fret at. But she didn't insult my smarts, no she insulted my logicality and just called me stupid for taking measure to make myself mor comfortable in my body and prevent that body from lying in the center of a highway. That insulted me to the extreme, not only because she was insulting me but all the other trans* people out there, she had essentially just called the whole trans* community stupid and illogical. I was ready to kill her, that blow that I just took, the blow she just unknowingly threw out to the community I'm a part of sent me over the edge. I will NEVER be able to forgive her for that remark. Even if shel learns by some mirical, I will never be able to forgive her for that comment. Somehow though in that car all the fight had been drained out of me, I tried telling her it would make sense if she actually researched it or looked into it or tried to understand, but then I just said fine I give up, I'm done trying to explain this. Then she dropped her comments as I talked out loud about how I was going to get a new binder. Oh did I tell you? At one point Nate offered to but me a new one when he texted me when he got his and I tried to give him some tips on wearing it, I turned him down. I can't ask for a new one from somebody, I wouldn't be able to take it without feeling guilty. It's the same reason why I can't go onto the sites where people with unsupportive parents can get free binders, there are people in worse situations who need them more than me, at least I have one even if it is ripping. I'll get the money soon enough and I'll figure out a way to pay online without my parents credit cart. Oh ya, my mom said that maybe she could take mine to my grandma to fix to which I told her the fabric was tearing like my jeans have been and that they couldn't fix it. My mom tried so hard to find a way from preventing from ordering a new one. Then on the car ride back, joys. I mentioned Katie and then she went off on her name tangent. She jabbed me with her finger saying I wonder if her name is Katharine, see Katharine is a cool name. I told her to stop and that wasn't the point. She didn't drop it and when on saying she didn't care about gender when she was picking names (bullshit, your inconstancies are getting larger mother) and that she picked Katharine because it was a strong name. She said Katharine could be a boys name to, and I said no it's not a boys name at all, she told me well then you can make it one. I was bubbling underneath the surface, my mom was beginning to really piss me off. I told her ya because my high pitched voice doesn't give me away enough already, and she said my voice wasn't high pitched at all. BULLSHIT AGAIN! EVERYONE BUT YOU TELLS ME IT IS! AND I'M NOT DEAF DESPITE THE FACT YOU THINK SO! ITS SOMETHING CALLED I HAVE AUDITORY PROCESSING ISSUES! YOU KNOW THIS! AND HAVE YOU EVER HEAR OF IGNORING PEOPLE BEFORE?! YA I SIMPLY TOON OUT YOUR BULLSHIT AND DON'T LISTEN! Guuuuuuuuh! Anyway I went on providing examples then she shut up. Damn, I didn't get to get through all I wanted as usual but wicked bitch of the west is here so I better go. Seeya.