Confusion, FtM journal

August 27, 2014

I love it when people ask me "Do you read gay things?" or "Do you read gay porn?" and being a guy and awkward as fuck I kinda lean away awkwardly looking at them and say maaaaaaaybe. Then in my head I'm just like... YES! I admit it! Ok so ya, I put that simply cause I got asked that by Paige today and I kinda gave her the awkward yaaaaa I dooooooo. Anywho, so my day has been good, then went to shit, then was fucking great, and now I'm falling back off that high into neutral possibly later depressed territory. Ok so how did Kage's day go? Well it started out being pretty chill, I went through my classes ok (thou I had to keep trying not to fall asleep cuz it's been warm (for here) lately and it just makes me wanna fall asleep), I scheduled a meeting in the college and career center, got work done in study hall, and best of all met the other trans* guy who goes to my school! So his name is Skyler an Page constantly describes him to me, and oh my fucking god the kids a freaking genius! It's like another fucking Dylan. He's published 2 books, takes Stanford college courses online (practically is already accepted there), know like 7 or something fucking coding languages, goes to pride events to speak, sells apps on the freaking app store and shit, gets sleep, has a social life, AND IS A FUCKING FRESHMAN! Apparently he also speaks fluent sarcasm and only sarcasm. It is another fucking Dylan. Anywho, I got to meet him today and my first impression is holly hell this kid passes well. I mean the voice, the flat chest, I mean if I didn't know I would have thought he was your average cis-guy. So it was this kinda awkward hey I've been trying to track you down and now we've met, sorta thing, he actually did say he had been trying to track me down using track you down in his sentence, it was fucking great. So then he asked me what grade I was in and I explained the whole senior who skipped a year thing to which he replied with are you one of those genius kids, to which it dawned on my later as I was talking with Page about him, wtf? he takes fucking Stanford classes he's the freakin genius kid! Anywho that was all great, and since out encounter was brief I had time to actually go and hang out with Diana at lunch, bad idea, this starts the shit proportion of my day. So I get over there and sit down with Diana, Sara, and I think the other guys name is Chris. It's funny too cuz where they sit is right by the table where a couple of my Robotics and gaming friends sit. So anyway I'm chillin there as Dina has ti get up and walk around and do some shit, and Wayland (I think thats how you spell his name? He's also in my Econ class so thats cool) joins us. The cool thing about that whole group is that somehow they all just miraculously found out about me (Diana probly said something... or Abby said something to Sara. OH! Side not, Abby looks super pretty now, not that he didn't before just the dyed hair and everything just make her look hella more so, and no I'm not attracted to her in that way) and their all chill with it. I mean they call me Conner, use male pronouns, almost flawlessly too which is just fuckin great, and it was without the whole having to explain my predicament either. So eventually when Diana sits down she just turns to me and asks me what the fuck I'm doing there to which I say some shit then give her the strait answer of I didn't have to stay in to do hw for once. So it's all cool and shit, then Diana starts picking on me for wearing earrings, and I'll admit they aren't the manliest ones ever but still. So Sara comes to my defense saying that it's not cool what she's doing, cuz at one point she says something along the lines of it keeps reminding her that I used to be y'know and that it makes her just feel... then dropped off while I filled in the blanks with words like upset, disappointed, depressed. I get it Diana, you liked me better as a chick, SUCK IT THE FUCK UP! So eventually she asked Ricky about it as he passed by with his girlfriend, mind you she described them in the girliest fucking way possible, to which he of course responded no. So Wayland jumps in on this and makes some comments about he would or something, and goes on to make a comment about now he is just to piss Diana off, then escalated into saying shit like it would make him look gayer than he already does, and tensions just kept rising between the two before he and Chris just left. I should have gone with them, but I don't hang out with them really unless Sara or Diana are around, besides how was I to know that things would just get worse, to me it was just Diana doing her normal stupid shit which I made peace with. So pretty much both Diana and Wayland were both getting into a stupid argument, but Diana hits and hit below the belt, when she plays rough she plays dirty. An example, using my full fucking birth name when I say a minor comment to make her upset. Also a quick side note on Wayland, he seems like a really cool guy who's offered to help me out with my econ shit and everything, he's kinda awkward when you think about it, which is really weird considering there the group of people who you see and automatically pin as sketchy and freaks and do drugs (that parts pretty true). Anyway he seems like a sups cool guy who I wish I hung out with more. So back to the shit part of my day, so I'm gonna skim over the Diana continuing to poke at me during lunch with Sara trying to get her to stop, as she kept calling metrosextual and bunch of other things, which again I just wrote off as Diana being Diana, nothing new. However, that doesn't mean it didn't get to me. Ya I'm girlier than most guys, and that doesn't normly bug me but today it did, like she was undermining the fact I was actually a dude. So I pulled my beanie more over my ears during lunch then took my earrings out next period. I'm only fucking wearing them cuz I want plugs and my holes were closing up so I needed to wear them, not that I don't like them just that I don't wear them often. So since it's block day I only had my odd periods for around 2hrs, so after lunch it's 7th period with guess who... Diana!!! So she's late as usual, and we switched seats so she's a seat behind me. So in American Lit. were reading the Crucible which I've already seen, guys get guy parts girls get girl parts and we read out loud. So Ms. Barnett knows I'm trans* so I plan to take a male part during the second act, only this girl Sara has to leave early so theres and open part, I just so happen to be copying shit off the board that Ms. B just so happens to be standing right in fucking front of so I guess she though I was looking at here when I was just trying to look around her. So I get the lovely role of Susana or some shit. Now that's bad enough but it was only like 4 lines so I would live, only thing is it went like this. Conner would you like to read the part of what ever the fuck her name is. Immediate loud laughter in the fucking quiet as shit classroom as I stutter struggling for words. The culprit... you guessed it! DIANA! My neck snapped around so fast to look behind me as I glared, but she was conveniently hidden behind the chick behind me. So I kinda mumble a sure cuz what the hell am I supposed to say? No? After someone started laughing and the room is quiet. I was so hurt and angry, I just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. To make matters worse I hear the girl behind me (a popular chick who called me kitty all through 8th grade and treated me like a pet with her friends) whispering with Diana (they never fucking talk! Diana doesn't even associate with them unless its to insult them!) and I hear the name Kat come out of each of their mouths as Diana explains something to her. I was just crushed, I wanted to leave the class, not that I don't like Ms. Barnett (I don't particularly line her though either, it's and off on thing) but so many shitty things have happened to me in her classes that have almost brought me to tears that I am just so done. I just ended up getting progressively more and more pissed through the class. At the end I packed up and got ready to go and Diana comes up asking me where I was during class and that she didn't seem me and I told her I was right fucking in front of her and left. I don't think she picked up on the fact that I was pissed. So I left, then felt better when talking to Paige as I walked home, although she made me more fucking jealous as she told me he had top surgery a couple months ago, lucky fucking bastard no wonder his chest looked so flat. I tried texting Ilsa earlier cuz I just needed a friend or somebody to be with to get the fuck away from what happened 7th, and ended up getting a ride from my mom to YAC. Some shit happened in the car involving me being trans* and yada yada yada, I got to YAC and facetimed Helen, talked w/ Mariano and Lorenzo, cleared up shit with Ilsa explaining why I was upset to which she apologized for acting up (I'd rather not explain) and said she would punch Diana in the uterus. Please do Ilsa, I'm p.o.ed and done with this bullshit. Just a shit tone of fun stuff happened at YAC, to much to write about. I got to hang out more with Paige too, I really don't know how ti respond to her like as he hooked her arm in mine to find Skyler asking if it was ok, and just other minor things that I just really don't know how I'm supposed to respond. All I know is that he drew a hella good sketch of me (shes a fucking amazing artist) and that I love talking to her, she know her shit. I mean not to get all gender superior or anything, but she understands, gets, and knows a hella ton more than your average cis-person, I mean she's done her fucking homework to the point of I can use lingo that people look at me like wtf and she will 100% understand what the hell I'm talking about. I also enjoy the fact that I find her mature for a freshman, I mean it's not the normal immature attitude towards things, sure there are subtle things here and there but for the most part she's a really chill person. I also got to briefly wave and say hi to another trans* guy, Sam, who Helen knows and is apparently into the same stuff as me. But I kinda got interrupted by a bunch of YACsters running around (I can't deny though that it was hella fun) and my dad picking me up. I'm so fucking jealous, he had top surgery too, which means they probly both take T the lucky bastards. Anywho I really hope I get to talk to the two of them more, they seemed toats cool. I also miss Helen a shit ton, I wish she were here or better yet I was there. I also miss hanging out with Ilsa as much, I want us to hang out more, but I have school shit and she had work and school shit. Sigh, well after I left YAC I just felt all the happiness seeping from me. Today was one of those not necessarily productive but just hella fun and happy days at YAC which was just what I needed. But when I leave it means I just get numb or supper depressed after. And it's not like the happiness disappears, I gradually feel numbness and depression take over my body little by little, it's hell cuz you try and fight it but that just makes it worse. Anywho, I'm gonna go now, I wanted to write more but I'm tiered of writing and Sam just texted me so I'm gonna go. Till next time.

I just felt like a cheesy talk show host... *says in deep voice* UNTIL NEXT TIME FOLKS WHEN KAGE TALKS TO HIS PARENTS ABOUT HORMONES AND EDUCATING THEMSELVES ABOUT WHAT TRANSGENDERER IS!

:P