Confusion, FtM journal

18 March 2015

So there has been alot on my mind lately. Like how my dad choked me when I was a kid, how my sister is a total bratty bitch while being extreemly generouse, I've been trying to be a better son, my grandma is back in the hospital and my mom is gone again, Waylon had an anxiety attack at school one day and he looked like hell and I didn't know what to do so I sat their in awkward silence as he gained back his composure and appologized to me, I'm signed up for a hunters safty course, I'm writing an argumentative essay on why violent videogames don't cause violence instead of one on transgender and lgbtq+ rights which makes me feel like a shitty person, the argument of cisgender being offencive got brought up at YAC again and I decided it would be best to keep my trap shut but now whenever I think about it it makes my blood boil and it makes me want to implode and scream and shout, I started going to kickboxing agian and my whole body is sore, I downloaded softwared to do 3d modeling, animation, and games, both Jo and Ilsa's bdays are coming up realy fast and I just blew all my money on a benie, hair dye, and a usb extention what a great friend I am, during my sisters bday party I had to sit in the sun on the beach staring at the water while I waited for my parents to come back so I could stop gaurding the shit carted down, I didn't get my sister a present yet, I returned a crap stylus so when the refund goes through I can get a tablet, how Paige can switch from being hugable to a total bitch and makes me wanna bich slap her so hard, me and Waylon have started talking about more than just games like surfing, going to the range, and what the future realisticly looks like and all the stress that comes with it, I have to do entrance tests for college soon, I need to decide if I'm taking summer courses this year, we aren't going to Hawii over summer anymore but instead at Christmas, I have a very small chance at getting an internship at Disyny Imagineering over in LA but I would have to go as a girl, dysphoria's been a fucking bitch and I can't stand the suffocating feeling, my kickboxing instructer called me she when I thought I passed which crushed me, I have to deside if I'm still comfortable having sleepover with my friends who are girls because I don't know if I am anymore (minus a couple who I view as sisters), the last time I talked to Dylan was Febuary 3 and in that time I have tried to contact him 6 times, I feel like shit cuz I might miss Jo's bday party AGAIN all cuz my mom is away and my dad organized some camping trip the day after (scratch that I can go now yay! :)), I'm trying to get to places on my own and be less of a burden so I may be walking to Jo's on Friday, I'm trying not to choke on depression, I'm starting to think some of my friendships are one sided, I'm wondering if a lot of people wouldn't be better off if I just up and left, my sister said that I'm clearly a guy but act like a girl so it's confusing and thats why girls are ok with me spending the night... made me wanna go and cry but I just laugh it off, wishing harder than ever I had sombody to love and hold and have them love and hold me back, and fucking InvisaBoy strikes again... every godsdamn day in my fucking life... trying not to cry. I'm just gonna go now, I'm just trying to smile and be a better son, grandson, brother, friend, and student... I'm failing. But aside from that I'm excited for Jo's party, my sis even offered to loan my some $$ to buy her present, I really hope that offer still stands and my dad wont mind driving me to stop by a store to pick it up. AND NORTAN SECRUITY YOU CAN FUCK OFF AND STOP GIVING MY POP UPS THAT MY SUBSCRIPTION HAS ENDED AND TRYING TO GET ME TO PAY FOR IT AGAIN I DON'T HAVE THE FUCKING MONEY!