Right now I don't know what to write, don't know how to write it, ironic cuz right now I need it most. The good things that come with piecing myself together come with a price, and to me it's a steep one. Emotion, the thing that when I have I hate when I don't I want. I always get hurt, it's always inevitable, and right now it's nostalgic. Growing up I always loved and trusted my parents, getting things through to them or anyone for that matter just didn't work, when it didn't work I made them out to be the bad guy as most kids do. But when your parent comes back with a truly confused look on their face as to what went wrong, you begin to think that you overacted ant that you are the bad guy. That's how I've felt all my life, there's more of a disconnect between my body and brain than just gender, everything that is truly me is mental and everything physical about me is a lie. Who I am to other people is nothing more than a construct, something that I use to try and get across who the real me is, it doesn't work just works as a blank screen for other people to project who they want me to be onto it. That's my big issue. My parents view me as Katharine Eileen Margret Chaffin, a smart, intelligent, kind, loving, beautiful, strong young woman, while in truth it's not. It's like standing there and having someone look through you, no that's incorrect although I get that every day hence my superhero nickname Invisaboy, no it's more like somebody looking at somebody else and thinking that their you while you wave around your arms yelling at them it's not. So to what prompted me to write this sad little post, my mom. I've been trying to casually bring up therapy so I did while washing my dishes, as you can guess it didn't turn out well... but not in the way your probly thinking. She just asked again why I needed therapy, and I don't know how to explain why it's just something I need to move forward and get treatment but I can't say that because I know she's against me injecting myself with anything, she kept saying that were open and talk about stuff so why would I need a therapist. So I popped in a calm way, I know it sounds weird but I'm serious, I told her that despite coming out as trans* her and dad refuse to acknowledge it which from my end seems very true they refuse to call me Conner or use male pronouns. So she gets upset goes off and tells me that they are accepting and told me this, that they let me wear the clothing I do and all this other stuff, mentions how I've been having a rub with her the past 4 weeks or so and that dad's noticed it too. And she looks honestly confused about the statement I made. Which makes it harder for me because it fucks with my head, it always has the way she can go off and make it seem like she is purposely trying to push you away from certain things then when you bring it up she looks honestly confused. I've wondered all my life if the battles I fight are imaginary, just in my head, I can't tell anymore if the way I see people is true or not. I'll explain further, as a kid I was able to read people pretty well as in I could tell what their personality was and "see the good in every person" as my mom used to put it, I also have this weird thing of knowing exactly what places will be good for me and which wont by stepping in their area. I know I probly sound crazy right now, and I'm not goin to argue that I'm sane because I honestly don't know if I am, but if your willing hear me out. Anyway so when I was a kid I must have been tuned in on the good part of things frequency because I would defend and befriend people even if they were rotten people because I saw the good in them. As you can guess I got hurt because of this lovely quality, and I must have gotten hurt pretty bad because my memory is pretty messed up, half the stuff that happened ten minuets ago I can barely remember. I kinda self programmed this memory altercation thing so that all the stuff I should remember is now just blurred or false with no emotions attached, it's like I'm reading a written report on the events that have happened in my life. Anyway the thing that messes me up with certain people like my mom is I'm able to tell that their using some indirect tactic to get at me or get what they want, but when I approach them it's like they have no idea their doing it. Sigh, maybe I'm just making all this up to make myself feel special. Regardless it messes with my head and that's exactly what happened a little while ago. I just don't know how to get across to them that I'm trans* and that I need to go to therapy so I can get hormones and surgery, the closest thing to a 'cure' that I've got. I know it's a foolish thought, but as soon as I realized that I was a guy stuck in a girls body and that I could at least partially correct it, I thought that maybe just maybe when I started taking testosterone and such that I might just feel a little more normal fell a little more human a little more put together... better, like things might look up for me and I wouldn't feel so trapped and stuck. I'm a fool, I don't see why I don't just try and tell them this, but when I'm facing them I just cant. I'm a coward, afraid. For the first time in a long while I've thought of running away, just leaving everything behind. I just want to start over, a blank slate, I don't want to feel so helpless. I just want to leave. Shit, why can't I ever feel put together without it being followed by me falling apart worse than before. Why do I have to be broken. Why does the past hold so many secrets and so much pain, and why does my future look no better. Why can't I just silence my head for 2 seconds to get some sleep, or feel happiness without double the pain. Why am I so messed up. Sigh, I'm loosing it again, I need to go to sleep then when I wake up I'll be back to 'normal' again, wont feel the pain I'm feeling now and I'll be back to my usual self, my subconscience will patch me up and distort what's happening now so that it doesn't feel real, least that's what I expect. So night, I'll update again soon.
Oh and I finished marathoning Generator Rex, now all I have to do is finish Max Steel :P
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Confusion, FtM journal
РазноеI cut my hair short cuz I wanted it to be like a guys. But everyone still told me I looked pretty. I bought a binder only for cosplay. I ended up wearing it every day. I am a boy. So why does everyone see a girl...
