Confusion, FtM journal

April 22, 2014

So I'm gonna be working on this journal entry throughout the rest of the day cuz I'm at school and I'm not gonna have any solid chunk of time today to work on it, and I NEED to release right now. To put it simply the past couple of days have been hell. It actually started after I posted my last journal entry, I was running around trying to pack for my grandparents but couldn't find shit. Hell I was only gonna be up there for 2 days there wasn't much to pack, but noooooo my stuff decided to hide from me and I kept getting yelled at by my parents. They even threatened to literally drag me out of the house weather I was packed or not, and I wouldn't put it past them, my mom literally dragged me out of bed and into her bedroom one morning cuz I didn't feel well and refused to get up. I was curled up in a ball on there floor crying and refusing to respond in anyway which resulted in me being kicked lightly by my mother who called it "tapping" me with her foot. Anyway by the time I did get out I put in some music and grabbed the Faygo I had got and felt a little better, but my parents were still treating me like shit. I didn't even want to go to my grandparents, I had homework and new video game and I didn't want to go to church (I'm agnostic, not that anyone in my family gives a shit). So ya I go there and its hella hot and I cant stand it so I jump in the pool, as it turned out I was the only one with enough balls to stay in for more than 3 minuets on account that the water was "too cold". But ya I had a semi make up with my parents but I was stuck in a house with my mom's side of the family and they all ignore me or treat me like I need to act like a fully grown adult but be treated like a 5yr old. So I'm the one who has to go out of his way for everyone else, and when my family asks me why I don't stand up when treated like shit I they'll them point blank tell them "'cuz I'll get in trouble" to which they reply we don't do that. Fucking bastards. Anyway I fall asleep in the dinning room cuz there really isn't anywhere else I can sleep without being where people frequently walk and get shitty sleep cuz I hot, then cold, then wake up and its hot. Anyway I get up only to find out I have to go to church even though I'm not christian, but my dad get out of it even though he is. Anyway I get dressed, which thank the gods I'm able to wear guys clothing and I actually looked like a dude for the most part, and head off to church with my cousins and uncle. So I had already been feeling pretty dysphoric from being called Katharine by my family (oh ya I forgot I haven't told you nonexistent readers, also my nickname is Kat which is considerably better but it still hurts when I'm called it), but as I walked in to meet up with the rest of my family my mother introduces me to her mom's granddaughter Katharine. I wanted to cry and yell at her and hit her, it hurt so bad and the fact that I looked like a dude made it worse. Gods know what people where saying about me, I'm not one to normally care but when it comes down to stuff like this I'm always scared as hell. So during the sermon or what ever the fuck its called I sat there moped and refused to get up when asked to stand, I was hella pissed and upset. And its not like I hate Christians, God's know they've done some terrible things, but I know people and have friends who are Christian who are super nice and cool. Anyway at the end my mom was upset and told me that I looked like I had a turd necklace on and at that point I had had it and was pissed so I whispered back to her "you expect me o respect your religion but don't respect the fact that I don't have one" and I walked of and played on my ds while I waited for them
outside. My mom cam up to me later and seemed and put in her pleased face and said I'm glad you came, and stopped nitpicking. I was to pissed and done with everyone to care. Anyway it took hours for us to leave fresno to come home due to my little sister, and when we did I was exhausted, cranky, and my chest was hurting, it still is a little I don't know weather to dysphoria or or having to layer 2 sports bras one day and binding, probably all of the above. Anyway we stopped for food and bathrooms, I'm normally fine but as if I wasn't having a shitty day already I really had to take a piss. So we go into the empty Wendy's and i hurry my way into the women's restrooms pausing for a minuet glancing at the mens and lock myself in a stall, I wanted to cry so bad. Anyway then I l'm leaving some kid come in making me think crap, then I hurry out to see a woman entering and she almost turns into the mens cuz I walked out of the women's, I then shuffle over to where my mom is with my head held low, I was so fucking embaresed and felt so shitty. Anyway I took a nap on the way back where I was only 3/4s asleep. I got home hoping to finally play my new game (which my mom decided to hand to me right before we left, I was so pissed I couldn't play when I got it) anyway I couldn't play it when I got home either cuz of my dad. Anyway next day was school, there was yelling and nasty tones and when I got to school I felt like shit. My chest was hurting like crazy like somebody was stabbing it repeatedly and they day just seemed to be going as slow as fucking possible. I had gone from a week dominated by friends who are like family, being called Conner, and being actually treated like a guy (subtract my family from this obviously), to being called "Katharine" and "Kat", the prince had turned back into a maid. I just wanted to go home and cry my eyes out. When I did get home nobody was there so I put in my new game, Mirrors Edge, and started playing. Then my mom and sis got home. My sis was cool, she even let me teach her how to play and when my mom left I also let her play assassins creed III. My mom on the other had was livid that I was playing games instead of doing homework and then continued to ask for my help with something. I wanted to yell at her that if you want help from someone don't yell at them and treat them like shit while asking. Me and my sis bonded a bit more over me teaching her how to play my games and allowing her access to the M games that my mom wont even let het watch. To be honest my sis to me is more like that bratty cousin who half the time you try to take them under your wing and teach them
stuff but the other half you hate there guts and want them dead. Anyway things were shit again when my mom got home so I decided to take a shower and go to bed. Unfortunately the dysphoria has been so bad I turned off the lights in the bathroom and took a shower in the dark, and ended up just sitting in the tub with the water running over me while hugging myself and crying. Anyway I when to bed eventually still crying just wishing somebody was there to hug me and comfort me. And just so you know when I say crying I mean it more in crying internally with maybe a tear or two cuz I've blocked my self off from crying and showing emotion for the most part. So ya, today has also been hell. I earlier today during school I just wanted to go home so I could get o YAC and fell better. I did end up getting a text from my friend Dylan a bit into my 7th period which is Physics which surprised me cuz he never texts me, I always have 'ta text him and even then he hardly responds. Anyway it was about my math tutor cuz he need some serious help to finish his math course in a month. So as I glance at the first couple of lines and it seems pretty normal but at the end of it he just had to add in the bit with "card games on motorcycles pls" (which is from yugio abridged and is an inside joke with a few of my friends), so I nearly laughed my ass off in the middle of my awesome Physics teacher (he's had a fucking mowhawk the past couple day how could he not be awesome as fuck?!) talking. Anyway instead I just started grinning like a loon, gods the kids at my school must think I'm suck a freak. But ya, when I got to YAC things got sooooo much better, Ilsa and helen had a war over who owned me and wrote it all over me in pen. They also talked about how I already have girls all over me now and when I get a male body there are going to be a bunch of other girls, then proceeded to say how they would scare away all my girlfriends cuz I was theres (which started the whole argument of who's I was). We also talked about how I'm gonna be out of my house soon (thank the gods!!!) and how we are all gonna live in the Catstro's in SF together and talked about how our lives were perfect for a sitcom (its kinda scary how well our lives would fit into reality tv). Anywho before all that though I was getting really depressed, like to the point of breaking and going full blown insane. I swear to the gods I almost did at the end of 2nd period, and was trying all day to calm myself the fuck down and making mental notes to stay away from the highway, tall buildings and trees, sharp objects, and weapons. I swear if I didn't have a goal and plan I would be scary crazy, I fight losing it every day. And I'm not talking just suicidal, I mean full blown homicidal sometimes, there are times when I just slip and the images my mind come up with scare the hell out of me when I regain my "sanity". Anyway I've found ways to deal with it and I keep it under tight reign, so yup thats always fun. So tomorrow I have my first counciling session, I get to skip Physics to go to it too which means I get to skip the quiz I'm totally not prepared for. Oh, also live art at YAC is this saturday and I signed up to to the late night shift which should be fun, I decided to help out then cuz I'm a night owl and nobody else had signed up to help out the so I figured why not. I think thats it for today, wish me luck for tomorrow I hope it doesn't go like crap and that I can eventually switch to the therapist Helen recommended to me soon. Oh! Also I've been avoiding Diana as much as possible latly which really isn't that hard, it's almost like we've gone back to just being classmates, but she has this weird thing of if I talk to her she shrugs it off but when she comes up to me I have to pay attention, I hope she does well in life but I'm done I can't do this and don't even think I like her that much in any other way than a friend. So yup, I think thats it...... yup I'm done, night my nonexistent readers! :P