Confusion, FtM journal

September 18, 2014

Guys help. I can't stop crying and I can't breath. I've been pushing dysphoria out so long because I've been so busy but the stress and pain all just came crashing down at once. It feels like theres a knife lodged in my chest. I want to transition NOW, I can't wait. In diversity club I get to help design the new webpage for our group. It's great and all but at the same time I can't help but feel like shit about it. See elections were today for the club and I thought maybe I could try running for president or vice president try and be more involved in the community I love, try to be a leader like I've always wanted. It was great cuz only seniors could run, but the rolls had already been pre determined, the only two other seniors decided who was going to fill which slot and I was in no position to oppose, I'm just the freak kid who sits in the corner, and unassertive nobody, and I wanted to avoid any possible drama in the group, plus I'll bet you not a single person in that group would have voted for me. I was stupid for even thinking the idea. Well hope came when there was the unofficial slot of Historian which is taking photos at events, I took photography and loved it so it would be perfect, but 3 other freshman wanted the slot too. Well since it was an unofficial slot Ms. Lumis thought we could all share it, that was fine by me and then they added on that since I was a senior I could kinda gather all the photos, like all the photos the freshmen took would be emailed to me. I laughed to myself as the first thought that popped into my head was that I was going to have a bunch of little freshmen lackeys, I mean it's not really like that but it kinda is in a way when you think about it. Then Ms. Loomis brought up that they needed a new website and that maybe I could work on that, it's been a while since I did web design but the thought made me ecstatic, I was actually being asked to do something, to head something. Sure, I'm sure it was all out of pity that I was the only senior without a role but I was happy. But then Skler was there today, remember the super genius trans* guy who goes to my school that I mentioned in an earlier post, well this was the second time I had seen him and was kinda excited cuz maybe I would be able to talk to him more and become friends, I mean he seems like a really cool guy. But the thing is he's really good with computers and coding and such, so lets just say a bunch of people wanted Skyler to do the webpage, my heart kinda sank at that. Here I am, a senior, my last year, finally asked to do something important for the group and it's something I love, and the group want's the freshman to do it. But at the same time I couldn't deny he would be a better fit for the role, I mean my heart sank a bit but I wasn't to overly depressed about it or anything, it was just life. Well for some reason he declined the offer, didn't wanna do it, well Ms. Loomis chimes in saying we could both do it which I thought was a great idea, and Maddie said she could help out so I was all for the three of us doing it. I don't know though, Skyler seemed to want to draw as little attention to himself as possible, or maybe it was just me. Regardless lets just say as all the dysphoria and stress crashed down apon me tonight I couldn't help but feel depressed about the situation. I mean here I am with my parents refusing to let me get any kind of hormone treatment, counseling/therapy is seldom talked about with little if no action taken, I'm a senior and I feel like if I don't transitions soon I'm going to go to college depressed and with all the same problems. And here Skyler is, the epitome of who I wish I was. He's already had top surgery, I'll bet he's on T, everyone calls him he without batting an eyelash, from what I hear he's a fucking genius who knows a shit ton of coding, just flat out all I wish I was, and he's only a freshman. I feel horrible for being jealous, but it's hard having the living breathing walking talking version of your self that you wish you were, and there younger. I just can't take it, the depression from looking at kids who get to transition so young, to people who have started transitioning, then being depressed that people are in shittier situations than me and that trans* people have to still deal with this bullshit. I just wanna curl up in a corner and die. But I can't, I promised myself I wouldn't, because I need to fight so that no trans* guy has to go what I'm going through, the trans* community doesn't need another corps to add to the heaping pile. I think the worst part was when I curled up in the corner of the kitchen bawling, then eventually wiped away my tears and went up to my mom to ask her about something, I was still sniffling a bit and wasn't making a big effort to conceal my depression. She didn't notice jack shit. And when I was leaving sniffling a bit more using my tired, depressed, and annoyed tone all she did was ask me in a stressed tone to close her door before I left. I went back into the kitchen and cried even harder. Then I walked down to the family room with my sister staring, I asked her why and she said it sounded like I was crying so she was curious, at least she noticed. I just left, went up to my bedroom, balled up in the closet and started crying again. Then to my journal I went and here I am now, leaning against my be typing this. What do I have to do to show that I'm crying for help? Do I have to slit my wrists and make bloody gashes allover my body for somebody to realize I'm not ok, I'm broken. I am so sick of the words I'm fine by now that it makes me sick to say them even when I am. I just want to be able to have somebody hold me in their arms while I cry, but I can't seem to cry around people anymore unless something really bad happens, and I mean REALLY bad. Regardless of how I feel the show must go on, and I have an Econ. test tomorrow and Helen is visiting, so I need to push my feelings aside and work my hardest. Well I better go get started on that, maybe next post will be more upbeat.