Confusion, FtM journal

29 March 2015

Guess who got his hunting licence! I've keep meaning to updated the past couple days but have been pretty tiered after hunter safety classes so I never got around to writing. Anyway ya, I didn't tell anybody I was getting it cuz you never really know how people are going to react to you taking classes to get a licence that permits you to go out and hunt things with a weapon. I mean the only people who knew were my family, Waylon, and Diana. I told Waylon because A) he asked why I couldn't go surfing (to which he responded that that was a great excuse) B) the two of us actually talk about going to the range and how shooting is really fun. And Diana kept asking why I couldn't walk down and hang out, she actually thought it was really cool. Anyway I just didn't feel like flaunting the fact that I was going to get my hunting licence, just din't seem like a good idea. But I did it! And with the harder instructor to boot. I can honestly say I felt like I learned more in that class than I do during school, sad but I guess that's how it works when you're learning something you like. Sad part being that the whole time I was 'Katharine', 'Kat', or 'she' and I wasn't  about to start making a scene around people with guns, no thanks. But it din't bother me really anymore, it's kinda actually really just funny now. Like I had to resist laughing hysterically after I got introduced to this guy by my dad as "my daughter Katharine" and a couple minuets come up talking to my dad and says "and he... I mean she" literally pauses for a couple of seconds before correcting himself. I wanted to laugh so hard man, you have no idea. I mean but the poor guy, I kinda feel bad for him. But ya, I've actually felt happy the past couple days, like genuinely happy where I don't feel like I'm forcing it or that brief high is going to turn into something ugly. I don't really feel any depression lingering on the edge anymore, only now and again, and aside from a couple mental twists I've been ok. Better than even. I don't feel dysphoric, I'm not upset or angry at my parents and family anymore, I'm not pissed about where I live or the people I know. For the longest time I couldn't feel, and I don't mean that I had lapses of happiness and felt nothing. No, I mean that for years I didn't feel anything but forced emotions, I felt so empty, my life revolved around getting good grades and changing my personality to suit the person I was around. I then got friends, came out as trans, and started experiencing emotions again but in warped twisted ways. I have had mood swings and have gotten so depressed, everything was so fragile, and I was confused and angry whenever transgender matters came up. I look back at it now and notice how childish I was despite a lot of the childish behaviors I avoided. I look at Paige and how she walks up and corrects my pronouns and name for me and how uncomfortable it makes me and the other person and I realize I don't want to be that guy, there trying and don't need the constant reminder if they don't ask for it, and those who don't want to accept it that's their life and their problem, not mine. I look back at that argument I had with Diana over how she used my birthname sometimes and realize how utterly and completely stupid it was, she was trying so hard to support me and then I just slammed it in her face saying she wasn't doing good enough. I was so wrong to do that to her. Even with my parents I now see how childish I have been with some of these things. I understand more now that it's not the words themselfs but the intent, meaning, and who you are speaking them too that matters. Thats why I can call my sister a bitch all the time and its ok, but it is NEVER ok for me to use any of that language with Ms. Vetter. It's differnt even if it's the same words. It's why it's ok if Waylon says she 90% of the time. Why? Because he tries, he ask questions, and most importantly: he treats me as one of the guys. THAT'S what matters. Look it takes alot a maturity to suck it up when sombody calls you something your not, or to understand where sombody is coming from, or to take the ugly words and hate, and thats alot to ask from anybody who's brains developing and it's wrong to ask them to grow up so fast, but honsestly you guys reading this try it. It's HARD and I sure as hell am not there yet, but you find yourself happier and more ok with who you are. Look, I never had to deal with extreem prejudice, or hatred, or have any violence against me so I can't exactly talk for alot of you out there. BUT HOLD ON IT DOES GET BETTER! 

Now guys I'd love to continue, and I have alot to say, but it's almost midnight here and Ineed to get to bed. So I'm going to go, but before I do I just want to say that for the first time in in a long time I'm happy with my life, I'm happy with who I am, and I'm happy with how I look.

I love you guys, hang in there.