Confusion, FtM journal

July 7, 2014

Wow, already 3 days since my last post I thought I would get back to this sooner than that,crazy how tim flows. To be fair though I am writing this at 1 in the morning. Anyway I'm gonna make this one quick, well try to anyway, cuz I'm tiered as fuck and just wanna go to bed but need to get some shit off my chest. Well the whole reason why I'm writing right now at like 1am is cuz... well... fuck. I'm pretty sure I'm in love with Diana. I don't know how else to explain it she just... drives me crazy for one of a better word. Ya I went out with her at one point, and ya I was the one to break it off after a couple weeks, but that wasn't the clearest point in my life. It's just... shit... when ever I'm around her I'm attracted to her like a fucking magnet. It's not that I find her exceptionally pretty, not that she isn't one of the most beautiful people I know I find her fucking gorgeous, just that it's something about her that pulls me in... something that doesn't have to do with looks or appearances. I guess thats why I identify as pan after all, I've found plenty of people hella attractive, but only a few I ever really considered going out with due to their personality. Anyway it's frustrating the hell out of me because she has a boyfriend, she is going to breakup with said boyfriend soon buuuut she is already going for another guy. Not to mention that while I did break up with her on grounds that I was just too fuckin backlogged with school, the big main reason is she really doesn't treat me like a guy. Even now, she's just one of the people who while they support me and all they just don't really understand, and I'm talking the kind where it's 75% 'she' and 'Kat' and the other 25% 'Conner' and only the occasional 'he'. What can I say other that that I'm screwed. I'm just so sick of it! WHY DOES ME BEING TRANS* HAVE TO BE SUCH A BIG FUCKING DEAL! WHY CANT PEOPLE JUST ACEPT IT AND MOVE ON WITH THEIR FUCKING LIFE! TRANS* PEOPLE CIS PEOPLE WHERE ALL FUCKING PEOPLE GODSDAMNIT! Shit... I'm ashamed to say that I'm crying right now. It's just... fuck when I was with Diana today we were running into the ocean together laughing and having fun, then came back to my house and we cuddled on the couch watching game grumps with helen. It was nice, just having her there. At one point I rested my head on her shoulder like she had been doing with me and she started playing with my hair, I just wanted to fall asleep right there. She used to have a crush on me... back when I was a chick... now I don't know if she just thinks of me as a friend or what. I mean it's always like this when were together, cuddling, holding hands, telling each other that we love the other one, but I don't know. I don't want to fuck up and lose her by telling her I love her as more than just a friend, I don't even know if I could handle being in a relationship nor do I think she could. See she's always going from person to person and can't seem to stay in a relationship, and so many people fall under her spell. And me, well I cant seem to stay in a relationship to save my life, I don't know why just something about being in one makes me want to run away, grant it I've only been in two relationships but still... Anywho I have school in the morning and some sleep should do me good, I'll try and update soon. Seeya.