Confusion, FtM journal

24 December 2014

I hate being sick. Oh for all the normal reasons of course, throat hurts, can't stop coughing, that insufferable stuffy noes. But I also hate being sick because whenever I get sick all I'm left to do is just lye there and sleep, maybe watch some tv. This may sound like a god sent at first, but me being left alone with my thoughts is hell. Every time I get sick I feel myself creeping towards the brink of insanity. My head just won't shut up. And sleeping is the worst. When I don't take niquil I wake up and fall asleep constantly, unsure of whats reality and whats not. When I get like this, nothing feels real. I can't stay awake and I can't stay asleep. And my head always feels like it's splitting open, like the monsters inside are trying to claw their way out leaving huge gashes on the inside of my skull. I close my eyes and I'm transported to different worlds and different life's, violence follows me everywhere and the voices are always out to get me. I wake up and it's not much better, I find myself wanting to fall asleep again to try and escape the pain even though pain is all that awaits me in my dreams. Nothing feels real when I'm awake either, I lye in bed feeling like the house is on a little floating island in a tiny black box and someone is watching my every move from up outside it. I try and go back to sleep and I'm greeted with nightmares. One time when I went back to sleep though someone protected me from the nightmares, though it didn't last long before I woke up. It was odd that dream, you could tell he was there, but at the same time he wasn't, there was only audio and a bit of touch, no visual. Gah, I hate it when this happens, my head hurts like a bitch and everyone in my dreams seems to know exactly what is going on and are claiming to be real! While I'm laying here both unable to sleep and wondering if I really want to. Fuck. My head hurts like hell. I think I'll take a stab at trying to get some sleep again. Here's to hoping I don't wake up insane.