Confusion, FtM journal

14 December 2014

Just a short update cuz I have finals to study for, but I'm doing better. On a rollercoaster of depression, but doin much much better. My comic is doing well, my cousin Miles a bright spot in my day, my sister slowly but surly doing better with the many diffrent closets she's in, friends and family back in my life, and a new desire not to take any crap. All in all things are better. The freak out I had over friends arguing has stoped and I can deal now, just caught me off gaurd and brought back som unpleasent memories as well as presented itself at a poor time. Anyways, I don't know how much longer I can hide being trans* from my cousin Miles, damn it's still crazy to think he's a 6th grader he's growing up. But the kid seems to look up to me so much, he constantly want's to talk to me on the phone when our parents call eachother and were around, he's always telling me about how he started this comic or likes this game, he's always looking to give me his opinon and get mine. I love the guy, he's my cousin and he like me for me... well most of me. He's not like Vivi either who is excited to see me but the treats me like a freak, ya Milse thinks I'm wierd but not in the "eww your disgusting" way. I just want to tell him so bad, I'm the only other kid around who's a guy but he doesn't know it, so everytime gender comes up it's depressing cuz I wanna side with him but I'm not allowed to. I mean part of me gets it, to them I'm a freak and they don't want me fucking up the smaller kids, ya I understand, but fuck Miles is almost like a little brother to me and hurts me every time I have to pretend to be someone else. It really hurts. I just wanna shout it from the roof tops that I'm a boy in front of my family. Loose who I will, better than what I have to do now. After New Years, thats my promice to myself. Then there is my sister, she's such an awsome person (when she's not being a little bitch), but she's stuck so so deep in over 50 diffrent closests. I got her to be relativly comfortable around me with all of them, but just even mention bringing it up so anyone else and she flips, I even talk to loudly about myself and being out in public and she freaks. It makes me sad, she's so scared, she doesn't act it but she is. All Saints fucked up the both of us so bad that we couldn't trust anyone, the fucking school fucked us so bad then everyone expected us to just burry the hatchet and be fine with it. Even though Dylan got it worse than we did at least his parents backed him up and All Saints bash with him, me and my sister are supposed to just get over it. I just got told over and over again past is past don't dwell on it, well all that did was bottle it up inside. I mean I ended up letting it out, I got pissed and yelled and shouted, I'd get angry at my parent's and the world. With my sister it was the oposite, when she does get angry it gets pushed down and punished quick, she's shoved into the background while my parent's tried to make me a perfect kid. When that failed my sister became the object of affection, keep her inocent, perfect, quiet, straight A's, she's the new perfect daughter, and she hates it. The two of us just want out, and I'm afraid she'll go down the same path as me if she doesn't. She's displaying everything I did, dressing to fit in, obtaining friends just for apreance sake, she's doesn't want anyone to know about the things she does at home or that her sister is actualy her brother. She's gonna self destruct if she keeps going this way, I know, I've been down the people pleasing route and I'm still having trouble getting out. I wanna get out of here and get an apartment so she can have a place to get away to. I want her to feel safe being out, being herself, she looks so happy and hopeful when she talks about her "future self" as we nicknamed it. I mean we already made plans to take her to Hot Topic to get her some better clothing after x-mass, then over the summer she's gonna get a pixi cut. I just hope that over the summer I can convince her to be more comfortable being herself, and to just come out of those damned closets. I want her to be happy. I want her to be that badass teacher/author that she want's to be. I want her to be herself. Guuuuuuh, anyway to finals I go. This took to long but wutevr. Seeya :P