Confusion, FtM journal

Augest 23, 2014

I fucked up, big time. And here I thought I was going to make my next post an upbeat one, I mean I kew what I wanted to write about and everything, but life is hardly does what you plan for it, at least when it comes to the big things. I told Ilsa to come over today cuz I wanted to hang out with her since the last time I saw her she kinda ignored me and kept telling me to go away. Well I was and idiot and decided to sleep on the couch last night, the place that I sleep really well on but can't wake up on. So I ended up waking up around 6:00 like wide awake but decided hey she's coming around 10:45 so I should be fine sleeping some more, well I had some wake up fall asleep moments but the big one was at 9 something or other and decided I still had time so I could sleep some more, I didn't wake up till not to long ago at like 12:00. So I called Ilsa and she said she was already home and it was fine, but I know better than that. I went back and listened to the messages left on my phone and it obviously wasn't ok, I mean I made her wait for an hour before she just gave up. Sure I could blame it on my broken phone for not going off so I didn't wake up, but I'm not going to, it was my fault not my phone's. I was so upset that I fucked up that I threw my phone at the couch after Ilsa hung up and started crying. Here I am trying to make sure things are ok between us and end up never letting her in and making her wait. I got messages from Helen to let her in to, god I'm such and idiot. There's on turning back from this, I'm loosing my friends. I know this sounds like something foolish to loose a friend over but Ilsa has issues with abandonment and thats exactly what I did to her today, with all my other fuck ups maybe it's just better if I leave her alone and some of my other friends too. I was never meant to have friends, all I do now with them is use them to distract me from my problems and make me feel better, in return I try and be as good a friend I can. But now I realize how selfish I was, I'm just going yo keep hurting them. Words that are said by me are just to fragile, they are easily broken and smashed, it's too easy for me to lie and break promises I make and Ilsa and Helen don't need that. Funny how I tried to change simply to be friends with them but I always run back to my old ways, I owe a lot to them I mean I can talk more and blend in more but I know I'll never be whole enough to feel true emotion. I'm sorry this post really has nothing to do with me being trans* just me wailing about how I fucked up with friends. So I'm gonna go now and do homework, it seems that's all I'm really good for anyway, making grades.