Confusion, FtM journal

June 7, 2014

So hey, I'm watching Orange Is The New Black right now for the first time, and fuck. I love it it's really well done but episode 3 brings up some issues involving trans* people and it kinda pisses me of some of the characters reactions. So the characters a trans* woman and I kinda guessed it before they said anything but pushed it out of my head because I thought that it was my just hyper thinking that characters were trans* out of a desperate need for there to be a trans* character. Well, turns out my guess was right, which really shocked me. Anyway what made me think it in the first place was the voice, I don't mean it in an insulting way either, to be hones I find trans* women's voices really fucking attractive for some reason (agin not trying to be offensive by lumping people in together so Im sorry to offend if anyone is). But ya the character is fucking gorgeous and I love her to death, but the reaction from the other inmates varies. For the most part its fine and there isn't any misgendering which is awesome (except for the bitch of a lady who manages stuff and cuts her estrogen dose saying "why would he want to give up being a man" which pissed me off big time), but there is this one part where one of the women say that the wouldn't let that "she-he" ever touch her hair (she's does hairstyling for some of the inmates). That stung cuz I've been called a he-she before, it wasn't in spite or anything just out of ignorance and misunderstanding, but it hurt hella bad cuz it was from my friends and my close ones who are like family too. They did this for a couple of months while I was still figuring things out and I just didn't know how to tell them that it was wrong and hurt. Not to mention during that time when any of there parents asked wether to refer to me as a he or she the said and used themselves she. Their explanation was that I wasn't exactly fully a guy yet so it was still she. I mean this has gotten all sorted out and shit, but I still can't help but wonder sometimes when they STILL slip up and make comments, I know it hasn't been THAT ling and that there trying, but... they view me as their tranny friend not their guy friend, and it hurts hella bad. I'm just a pet to them, something to cuddle, hug, and drag around places calling it cute. I'm the sounding bored, the supportive friend who doesn't get mad, the childish little tranny boy who the can drag around places and leave abandoned in the part that will always come back running and finding them. There never gonna see me as Kage, the awesome smart guy whose a geek but cool and calm and collected and can get mad and react like an independent person who doesn't go chasing after his friends like a lost puppy dog. They will never see the mature intellectual person I am, the only person who has is Dylan and I don't even get to fucking see him anymore not to mention I think he just likes Kat, not Conner or Kage. I'm just simply fucked and alone. It hurts, knowing that even the deepest voice I can muster up can barely pass me as a 10yr old boy. Nothing is going to get better for me unless I cut my ties with people. But once I bond myself to someone, even if the hurt and abuse me, I can't let them go. Which is why I need to get away for a bit, breath, and the only way I can do that is by dyeing. And trust me I would if I could. It's just getting to hard to go on. Anyway, thats my rant for today, I have a week of summer before I have ta go take summer classes so I can graduate early, and I'm fitting all the time I need to spend with friends into this one week. Also I'm hoping to tell Dom that I'm trans*, he's been an awesome friend and I really like hanging out with him, I'm just hella scared cuz he's Christian but I don't know to what extent. I think he'll be fine with it but you never know with people, also I think I might tell him about the whole Kage thing, So ya that it, wish me luck and I'll hopefully see you guys soon.