Confusion, FtM journal

September 1, 2014

So Ilsa and Merritt cam over today which was awesome. I also realized that it seems like other people haven't really seen the Matrix which is weird to me because that was a HUGE deal for me. Like I remember my family making shit tons of references, then I think it was my 13th bday when I sat down with my Brother, Dad, Uncle, and for part of it my Mom and watched it at midnight. It was great, it was like a coming of age thing for me I guess, so I had it drilled in my head that everyone had seen it or at least heard of it. To me it was a big deal, I don't know about it when it comes to everyone else though. Just do me a favor, if you haven't seen it watch it, it's a great movie.Then there's another thing. At the end of everything Ilsa all the sudden got moody and walked off, I feel really bad about it and can't help feeling like it was something I did. Yes, I know what probly set her off, when Merritt started playing Infamous she got up when for a walk came back and sat in her car waiting to leave, yes I paraphrased that but I honestly don't want to recount everything. From the looks of things it sounds like she was pissed at the whole sitting around watching someone else play, which ya I get, but at the same time thats exactly wha was going to happen when she wanted to play watchdogs. I wish I had multiplayer games so I could fix this shitstorm but all of them are on the wii and are brawlers which don't catch there interest nearly as much as the other games. But at the same time I'm a little fed up, ya I get it I'm not good for hanging out with more than one person and I only have one player games, but what do people think is going on while there over? Technically I just sit there and watch them play, so technically I could storm out too every time someone wants to play a game or when everyone else chooses to do something I don't like, but I don't. I'm just so sick and tiered of doing everything I can to make my friends happy then getting yelled at and guilt tripped for something that isn't really my fault! Sure sure, I'll admit I play a part and should take some of the blame. But not all of it! I mean just look at the incident when Ilsa drove off from Starbucks when I was studying with Diana, Helen YELLED at me telling me to get het back! I didn't do anything other than sit there and study! I even told her before I made plans with you first so we can just go over to my house, but nooooo it was "ok" if I needed to study. Gods, I'm just a little fed up. I try so freaking hard to be there for people, to be nice and happy and childish, but it's never fucking good enough. I give up! Screw this! I am so SICK of dealing with this while having to deal with my psychotic mother, getting into college, dealing with fucking dysphoria every day, and every fucking thing else! I'm just too fucking weak, to unable to stand up for myself. I know I'm going to regret making this post later, right now I don't care. Maybe I should just start over, start from scratch. That shouldn't be too hard if I get into a college away from here right? I just need to stick to my original plan, do whatever it takes to get out, then stand up on my own to feat and control my own life for once. And ya, my mom has officially lost it. She actually did talk to my dad about changing my name to Switch. Somebody please get me the hell out of here, I don't know whats going to happen to me if I don't leave soon.