June 28, 2014 Help

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Shit, ummm where to I start. It's been a while huh, not like anyone gets past my first post so I guess no one will ever read this. Uh so things for me have just been, crap, complete and utter crap. Which is ridiculous cuz a bunch of really good things have happen since I last posted too, but my life is just crap right now and I don't know if I will be able to keep myself from throwing myself off a cliff or somethin anymore. Well I guess I'll go over all of the good stuff thats happened first. First off my teacher was super understanding of me being trans*, second I get to see my friend Dylan almost every day cuz of school and we get out around the same time, I told Dom I'm trans* and took it really well, my dad took me to a Giants game last name and got us really close to home plate, and lastly I got out of my family vacation to Yosemite and am currently participating in YAC's 24hr artathon. Now for the bad. First off I found out that while my mom when off doing her brushing off I'm trans* thing I found out that she when behind my back and told my sister not to call me Conner cuz it's "just a phase" which caused me to have a panic attack, not cuz she doesn't care but cuz it means I have no chance of moving forward until I turn 18 in 2yrs. I also started having mini panic attacks every night for the past few weeks where I cant breath and go to bed sobbing. Oh add on that all my 'friends' at YAC are doing the bullshit drama thing AGAIN! Why, well because Ilsa and Helen got into it again and because I lied to Ilsa, so now Ilsa is going off throwing an Ilsa tantrum and it took me a whole day to talk her down last time and I just don't have the fucking energy or time to deal with it right now cuz I have enough of my own shit to deal with to play fucking therapist, so I'm ignoring it. Ok and the lie that I told her wasn't that bad, and I did it cuz I REALLY needed to get away for a bit. Pretty much wut happened was I went on a walk and rans away when they said they would join (there used to this as I do it often) then I saw them when I was walking back to YAC and they had me join them so I did then they wanted to go down to the water but I couldn't cuz it was the middle of YAC, I would get soaking wet, I REALLY didn't want to have to peal off the layers of thick wet clothing that I dint have a change for (and I didn't want to wear Ilsa's stuff), and it was the fucking end of shark week so I had a pad in which would have been hella uncomfortable in water, add on that the reason why I went for a walk in the first place wast to clam myself down and try and make me cheery so i wouldn't complain around Helen's friend Drew who is visiting from Boston (Merritt's friend David is also here ironically, although he comes from MUCH less far away)! So ya when Ilsa tries to get me near the beach I sit up on a bench above the beach, cuz just sitting near the water on such a nice day was torcher, so Ilsa sits next to me and tries to get me to go down and I try and explain but she doesn't take it and wont go away so I form a plan. I sigh and tell Ilsa I'll go down to the beach with her so she descends down this little dirt path and I run back to YAC, so ya thats what Ilsa is pissed at me for, apparently some stuff went down on the beach too between Ilsa and Helen and I'm glad I missed it. So ya now she's throwing a tantrum over it even though I apologized repeatedly and attempted at explaining why. Just fuck this is why I wad never friends with girls before, not to be sexist or anything, I'm just so fucking sick of their mind games. Anyway ya, just fuck me every time I say I'm tiered cuz of school or I had some family thing people just go boohoo get over it you chose school in the summer and I have a job or I have this so yours is nothing in comparison. WELL FUCKIN EXCUSE ME FOR ONLY BEING 16 AND GOING TO COLLEGE TO GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ALL OF THE BULLSHIT HERE! Shit, just add on my auditory processing issues and slight dyslexia, not to mention that it has always been EXTREMELY hard for me

to get things out of my head onto a physical plane. Just, fuck, the only person who has my respect and approval for saying you have no right to complain to me is Dylan who is younger than me by a few months, goes to college full time, and has learning disabilities as well, and gets virtually no sleep, but he's a fucking genius. So ya, I'm just so done. There's a bunch of other shit in my life right now, but right now I don't know if I'll make it to 18, I just... I hope I get out of here soon before I work up the nerve to kill myself. I guess I'll see you, hopefully soon.

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