Confusion, FtM journal

28 January 2015

Y'know that bout of depression I was talking about last post? It hit. Well it's starting to anyway, it's still in the beginning phases. Fuck this has gotten to be so bad I'm beggining to wonder if I'm seriously depressed or bi-polar. Like no joke, it's getting worse, everything is getting worse. The number fliping, misspelling, jumbling everything up in my head, it's getting so much worse. I forget so often that I have a learning disability, it just doesn't seem important when I know of at least 3 other kids with dislexia or ADD or ADHD. Like who am I to complain right? So I just pretend it doensn't exist, I try not to use my acomadations unless it's to fool people into thinking I know what I'm doing and to get away with cheeting. Ok, technicaly it's not cheeting but damn does it feel like it. I don't even know what half my acomadations are, I just know I get extended time, I mean I have a bunch of other shit too but hell if I know what it is. I look at the other kids in the support class like Philip and how he has trouble getting out a fluid scentence that doesn't sound choppy (my oppinion) thinking I'm not like that, then I stop and listen to myself talk and realize I'm just like that. I guess I was able to get away with blaming it all on being shy the past few years, but the more confidence I get and the more I talk and socialize I realize it's not that. My sister calls it sad and my mom scolded her for constantly teasing me about a typo I made a while back saying "you know your sister has challenges" or something like that. Fuck doesn't that make me feel damaged. I used to be smart y'know? Once apon years ago. I learned through watching Dylan get ruthlessly targeted for 6 years that diffrent smart means diffrent, diffrent means not fitting in, that means being a target. I was never bullied... not really. More just ignored, always ignored. I was expected to sit pretty and not move, spout off some smart crap and make some kid feel good about themselfs for taking in the kid who has no friends and sits alone. Let me tell you a story.

Once apon a time there lived a little girl who would wear brightly colored clothing and boys uniform. She would switch from wearing girly frilly dresses to pants and tshirts. She alwasy knew she was diffrent. It was only confermed when she tested higher than the rest, and while she was considered friends with everyone in her class they more often ignored her and she was left alone. But the little girl knew she was even more diffrent than that. Magic. That was her answer. Burried in books convinced she was from another world. Constantly the voices wispered in her head diffrent messages, instructions, screaming horrible things. And every day it was a new explination along with the same fear. But she was smart, and not all the voices bad, she slowly learned how to hide being different. Slowly destroyed the person in order to avoid being persued. Diffrences only continue, tested for this and that. Results showed someone inteligent, but still diffrent, broken. Processing speed issues. Auditory processing issues. Having to explain to friends why she was diffrent tapping her head saying that her "brain was broken". And the staires given accompanied. Getting sneered at and being told she was weird, that was the easy part, all she'd have to do was smile and take pride in that. But the confused looks, the "why do you not have to do all the work"'s, that broke her. She didn't know how to process it all, she was being treated diffrent, and every one else acted like she didn't deserve it. Shortened assignments, pulled out of classes into special ed ones. 5th grade she learned money talked, talent din't. Shoved into the back cause she didn't have millions in her back pocket. She felt poor, underclass. Funny too because she was privlaged. 6th grade she was dead, depressed, stated "sometimes it's better to play dead because then they leave you alone, if you stand up they just kick you back down. Thats how you survive through it". 7th grade spent alone, pulled out of school. Friends abandoned her, she turned invisible to the world. So alone, unmotivated, tiered. 8th grade showed new beginings shattered by an inability to communicate. Treated like a child and pushed aside, but she still had drive. But then came the flaschbacks, and the tears released uncontrolably in the middle of class hidded by a downturn head. Then highschool and the big plan to escape. New friends were made and along with it came a life. Black. Lots of black. Searching for that life left behind. Voices silenced by years of practice coming bubbled up scraching at the inside. Mirrors constantly reflecting a person she didn't know, just as they always had. Voices screaming it wasn't right, nothing was right, and the tears flowed once more. Emotions long burried now surfacing, streaches of joy followed by the noesdive of depression. Then came that day. The day he woke up. Awoken by a friend explainging what transgender meant. She was not a she, she was a he. He fought it but caved, giving way. Feelings of being whole rised, as grades plumeted. Screamed at for his inadequacy. Feelings of being special fadded away from age while despratly clinging to peices of the past. He just wants to be happy. But invisiboy strikes agian as he melts away in broad daylight. Nobody can see him, and the reflection is still wrong, all while the voices still scream at him.

But hey why should I complain? I live in a rich white kid neighborhood in one of the top travel locations. I have parents who still keep me around after coming out as transgender, who don't beat me or screem at me that I'm a girl. I get accomadations for my disabilities (gods it hurts just writing that). I can deal with my problems and mental instability just fine on my own, I have been for 16 years after all. I have some great friends, a great siter, and... oh gods my brother... I... he... I never see him. We don't talk anymore. He's just a bum who hides away in a house that isn't his from all his problems. And... fuck, I miss my brother. I miss the guy who showed me Pikachu and his GINOURMUS model car colection. The one who would play guitar and skateboard, the guy who was my hero and I looked up to so much. And Dylan? Fuck I don't even know where I stand with him. I miss him, I miss hanging out. I miss all his smart aleck comments, the way he would spit out facts like it was nothing, how he was amazing at art in just 3rd grade, how he makes me feel like I'm actualy smart and worth a damn. He's my best fucking friend in the whole world, he's one of the few people I'd die for. I can't live without him or my brother, they mean more than the whole universe to me. It's foolish to trust and love completely, but no matter no hard I try I can't cut my emotions tied to those two, when I float away they bring me back down to earth. Every time my emotions get severed there are many people I would stab in the back, but everytime I think about doing that to them the wave of depression hits bringing back everything. Just fuck where was I goin whith this post?

I meant to talk about how me and Skylar talked today and I saw Diana. How me and Ilsa played Magic the gathering and it was great. How I turned in one of my ERWC essay in on time. How things had been going good. That I get tested agian for learning disabilities in Febuary (I'll beat that puzzle test this year, you bet me I will, it's my last year to afterall and I'll never forgive myself if I dont). Guess the depression got to me before I got to any of that. So I guess what I'm gonna do now is leave, hopelessly try and text Dylan or my brother... maybe both. Whatever, night.