Confusion, FtM journal

September 22, 2014

I snapped at my dad today. Like y'know when you're pissed at someone so to you tell them to piss off really harshly, ya that happened. I was half asleep when it happened, I mean it was morning and my dad decided to wake us up instead of my mom and my dad just lightly tapped my shoulder, was being all nice about waking me up, and I snapped at him. I don't know why I felt so pissed but I did and I yelled at him, I love my dad and I feel like shit about it. I just don't even know. Like he was being so nice about it, just lightly shaking my shoulder going hey time to get up, and I flipped my shit. I don't even remember what I said I was so out of it. Maybe he said my birth name, when I sleep and daydream I always run through how I would handle situations ivolving people like my mother which normaly involves alot of yelling, but I don't think it was really that. Hell I think it was the way he tapped my sholder, the way he acted like he cared so much, as much as I love to say I've come so far there are still some things that send my defences flying up sky high. I guess just dealing with thinking my family doesn't give a shit about me and teaching myself to not give a shit about them caused me to flip when my dad showed care for me, I mean I LOVE my dad but that doesn't mean I wasn't expectant to loose seeing him because of my mother. I guess I just thought he didn't care enough to stick up for me so why would he care at all y'know? Regardless as much as I thought he would be pissed he just teased me about it all tonight as I appologized so I'm gonna take that as were all good. I've been getting back on my game with school too, though I still have alot to catchup on. I'm gonna try and go to MPC afterschool whenever I can cuz I can get my work done there and it gets me out of the house away from my mom. Speaking of family, I've been feeling really weird lately, like all the sudden everything makes me feel nostalgic. It's odd cuz whenever I get feelings like this they normaly aren't good and lead to flashbacks that leave me sobbing in the middle of class trying to hide it. The last memorable time it happened was in 8th grade, it was so warm out and I was so frustrated that it took me straight back to that 6th grade ASDS classroom and I started crying uncontrollably, Ms. Hunter tried to ask me what was wrong after class but how do you explain you're having flashbacks you can't control? Anyway so that's kind of whats been happening, but instead of them being depressing and taking me back to the horrible moments in my life breaking me, it's memories of goofy family dinners and saturday mornings with waffles and rock n' roll blasted through the house. It makes me want to cry thinking back on it because I will never get that back. My life has been scarily mimicing the past, me and my dad making sarcastic comments back and forth, me talking to people at school and socializing once more, me and my sister are even going back to our childish sibling antics, but I can't remask my mothers flaws. Even if I wanted to, I notice all to well as she frowns and me and my dad's behavior, how she shouts at me and my sister for teasing one another, and constantly complains how she isn't appriciated by any of us. Things that in the past that would cause me to feel like I did something wrong, like I was to blame for my mothers mood, that is was my fault she was upset so often. I can't go back to that, not ever, I won't allow it. Tonight we had a family dinner, something that doesn't happen often anymore and when they do they tend to be filled with awkward silence what used to crazy conversations filled with laughter, but tonight was different. Me my dad and sister made sarcastic remarks across to oneanother without the other wanting to kill the other in the end, we teased and poked at oneanother laughing the whole time. My mother was NOT happy, she whent off on how she hated sarcasum and all of us responded with sarcastic responces, she was ready to pop I think she said it was unatractive and unbecoming. I often wonder why she married my dad and why he decided to marrie. I mean he lives to be a sarcastic asshole and poke fun at people, all of my skills in that department I learned from him. And my mom is such a controlling bitch, and he seems to hate it when she acts like that. I wonder how they even managed to get though the first date, hell I wonder why the fuck I don't hear them arguing all the time. Apparently when were in the proccess of moving they were on the virge of a divorce, I never knew, I can see why though. I mean he loves out doors and spacious areas areas, rock music playing on full blast and whitty remarcks, hates change, is quick to temper, loves trying new activities, and it has to be his way. My mom is more quiet and reserved, loves living in cities which my dad hates, loves things to be constantly changing, loves listening to clasical music and NPR, and is a snake under it all who will get here way by manipulating the people around her. You know who they remind me of? Datak and Stahma from Defiance, a morbid analogy if I say so myself. I mean my dad isn't much of a Datak, he's much to blunt and active to be that scheeming son of a bitch, but my mom my as well be Stahma's twin. For those of you too lazy to look her up she acts like the perftect wife, holding to all the ideals of there race being quiet, soft spoken, and well perfect, while underneath lies a snake who controlls all the people around her like puppets on a string without them even noticing her doing so. She scares the shit out of me while earning my respect at the same time, the big difference between her and my mom though is that Stahma is fully aware of her actions, where my mother seems to convineinly forget often what she has done. What's frightening is that my mother likes Stahma, when she watches the show she looks at me and tells me how the women in this show are much more frightening than the me (I can't argue that, there fucking terrifying), she applauds Stahma's cunning while at the same time abhoring violence which completly contradicts itself. Anyway in this whole fuckwad of an analogy I would probably end up being Alak, their son. I mean he's the guy who my mom says 'has no backbone', I think he's just trying to act like a normal human and not get caught in his parents murduring buisness. While his parents wear traditional clothing he wears more punk clothing and has a couple blue streaks in his hair, he just trys to act like someone brought up in the new age that the show takes place in, with him expressing his love in music and more human activities, he's not for the traditional bullshit his parents are. I like him alot. Anyway I could go on an on about this but I'm gonna stop before I get out of hand. Ok so now onto other things. So Helen called me tonight and simply told me to facetime her so I did, the she told me to get my laptop me, her, Sam, and his significant other were going to play Team Fortress 2. It was so much fun, it was filled with laughter and running around not knowing what the fuck was going on anymore. It made me realize just how much I love my friends, how I know if I lean on them they'll support me, it may seem like something simple but to me it means the world. It has taken me years to open up to that kind of trust again and the fact that I know I can trust them just makes me feel whole again. It's the fact that I have people who care about ME, not who they THINK I am, not who they PRETEND me to be, just me. I feel like I can actually be seen fore once in my life. I mean outside of Michael and Dylan, I had no one who I could say was there for me before. But just getting that call at 9/9:30 from Helen to go on and game, the happiness I got from feeling like a normal kid for once, that was priceless. When I get moments like that, with the people who I can truly call my friends, it makes me things are gonna be ok. It makes me feel lucky. It takes away my thoughts of misfortune. It makes me feel normal, well as normal as my life can get haha. No, when I say normal I mean it as in it feels right, it feels like I get to be a part of that thing I always wanted to, like I'm a member of a group that actually does things with me instead of dragging me around as their pet saying oh look at this poor creature we picked up and started to take care of, aren't we so thoughtful. It's all I need, I mean I'm greedy as fuck so I will probly want more eventually, but for now this is more than enough to get me through. My friends have literally saved my life on multiple accounts, without them I might be pushing up daisies right now. To be honest when I think of the future I don't see myself sitting at the head of some large company like I always though and my mother pushed me towards, no I see myself running a small little indies game business that brings in plenty to keep my living comfortably. I see myself surrounded by those I care for, not stacks of worthless cash. I mean sure millions sounds nice and all, so does running a large business, but I think if I ended up with a nice little indies game studio in LA I would be plenty happy. Well I got to go guys, we'll see what next post brings another day.