An Outlet: Part 2

29 July, 2017.

Today was fucking depressing.

Even though I slept at 2:30 AM last night, I felt the need to get up at 8 AM and go to college. Ms. Paula and VP were going to work on the blog so I wanted to help them with the placement of the pictures.

VP and I felt technologically handicapped. Everything was so complex! We spent 2 hours trying to figure out how to upload the posts in the respective folders/headers. Any other time, I would have found our situation rather hilarious but with all the delay that has happened with regards to this blog page, it was being frustrating.

My ongoing thoughts of incompetence didn't help me either.

Later when Ms. Paula left, I was unsure about what I should do, should I continue to beat my head on the blog site, or shut the computer, or keep it on sleep mode and go to the auditorium, or wait in her cabin till she comes..... I'm an indecisive fuck.

I don't know whether it is the fact that I've now become an AR or just the fact that there is a reason for people to approach me, some people are beginning to treat me the same way they used to treat Darcy and Kristen. There was this one guy in particular (I've never in my life interacted with him before) whose behaviour towards me felt mocking and snob-like. I've always feared that this might happen to me and I might not be able to handle or ignore it.

Anyways, I took over Ms. Paula's job of checking who have got their electives and who haven't. I'm two faced in a way that I don't mind being called a nerd but I don't want to be stereotyped into a boring, un-cool teacher's pet. And that's the vibe that I got from people around me.

I was given a task of emptying the rooms and asking everyone to go to the auditorium. I didn't know how to go about it.

Let me give some context as to what was happening at this point.

Today was the day when one of the Union Ministers was to visit us. He was supposed to come at 1:30 PM. Since it's a Saturday, a lot of people weren't going to come for the event. This is why they kept the electives confirmation at 12:00 PM because they knew people would come for it, looking at the chaos that went about during the selection.

It's very difficult to make students do something they don't want to. And if you force things on to them, they'll start hating you. I don't want to be hated by everyone. Especially not by being the annoying teacher's pet.

But on the flip side, this made me realise that I have control, no authority, no respect. And it hurts.

Throughout this entire ordeal, I somehow lost my AR badge. I'm acing my responsibilities.

I asked the security to search for it, took my book and pen, and went down to the auditorium. I saw my friends standing outside the auditorium and since I had anyways missed the AR/CR seating arrangement meeting, I decided to stand with them.

We took a couple of pictures. I swear I have a fake smile in all the pictures. I was dying with sadness on the inside. I realised that almost all the clubs had their standies on display, or something related to their clubs. WORD didn't have anything. It's like we don't even exist. And I hate it when people say that they don't notice my existence.

Moreover, I was getting sick and tired by the minute by the superficial attitude of every faculty in my college. They want to showcase that we're world class, that we have the best students who have come up with so and so ideas that will change the world and all that bull shit. But the visitors don't know that students have to be forced and slyly tricked into attending these events. The faculty treats us like slaves. No one is 'very excited to meet' the visitor. They weave such fancy ass stories about something so simple.

Is this how life works? Does this happen in every organisation? Because I can't. I don't feel right sugar coating anything. It just goes against my personal principles. If it's true then I won't be able to survive in this world.

Amidst all the fakeness, I misplaced my book and pen. Great. Now I can't even take notes.

After entering the auditorium, I somehow got separated from all my friends and had to sit with the juniors. I wanted to pay attention to the speech but I just couldn't.

The guy sitting next to me was an inpatient bastard. When the session was over and we had to leave, he kept pushing me and irritated me by asking me to move forward. I'm surprised I didn't say anything to him cause I know that I was bubbling with anger on the inside.

One last time, we had to wear our fake smiles for the visitor and pose for a group picture. I was hid by the tall people but frankly, I had lost the ability to give a fuck by this point. I desperately wanted to leave.

It was 4:30PM and I hadn't eaten anything since morning. I was surviving only on a glass of milk.

As soon as the event got over, Kristen and I ran to find someplace where we would not meet anyone. It had been quite some time since Kristen and I had a proper conversation. I missed it so much. And since I was losing my sanity by the minute, I just had to speak to Kristen to restore atleast some of it.

And then began Breakdown #2

I told Kristen almost everything I was feeling. I spoke for about 45 mins straight, crying continuously. Kristen quietly listened to me and the best part is that she allowed me to cry. After my breakdown, we slowly picked one topic and began discussing about how the situation could be better. In the end she suggested me a few tips on being confident which I'm not fully sure will work. But I'll try nonetheless.

I calmed down after a while and decided to leave for home.

I have no idea why it happened but even after speaking to Kristen, even after listening to her suggestions, even after hearing her comforting words, I had another breakdown. And this was probably the worst of the three.

Because this one has started giving me suicidal thoughts.

I really don't think I can survive in this world. Not having me is not going to make a difference. I don't even know if I should be writing this on a public platform even though majority of whoever might read this might not even personally know me.

I have thoughts of getting a blade and doing the deed. But I know I cannot get through it. I don't think I can possibly do it. I'm trembling right now! I'm torn! I want to stop living but I cannot!

CAN THIS PLEASE JUST STOP?!!!!!

Edit: Hi, this is me from 21 August, 2018 and whoever is reading this, I just want you to know that I am perfectly fine. I have thankfully gotten over this state of mind so please don't be alarmed. It is still difficult to read these couple of chapters but if you'll read further, you may see how I gradually got out of this dangerous mind set and who/what were the contributing factors. :)