maybe i'm amazed (fifty shades)

Chapter Fifty-One

Ana's Point of View:

The days couldn't go by any slower, the nights are worst though. It's the time Christian wants to talk; But I have nothing to say. I don't feel anything. I grew up with the disrespectful words of my mother, the constant belittling and nagging. Her reminding me that I'm over weight, or weird looking. But never in a million years would I have thought it was going to effect me. I figured when I married Christian she'd come hunting down money, but the thought of her down talking Christian never crossed my mind.

I haven't been sleeping, nightmares from my childhood came back. This time without Alexander but with my mother. The years of abuse hidden behind my crippled memory of that time in my life have now come back, and although Alexander was the villain, so was my mom. She was just as bad. Her verbal assaults haunt me at night. Her reminding me that my body was flawed, my boobs too small and nose to big dance around my mind covering all the positive things Christian has tried to fill. He doesn't sleep either. Or he does and just can't stop worrying. The line between his eye brows has become almost permeant, and if it wasn't for blip I think he would have put me into a mental hospital. It's not his weight to bare, and I don't think I have the heart to admit my body issues now. I don't think I'm fat, and I know that my stomach is my baby. But I still can't look at myself without being disgusted.

"Good morning beautiful," Christian murmurs as he rolls over to throw his arm over my stomach. I was lying on my side facing the sound so he wouldn't see me wide awake before the alarm went off. I pretend to rub my eyes and turn over wrapping my arm around his waist to pull him closer.

"Good morning handsome, Up before the alarm again?" I ask him. Rubbing my finger down his jaw line and around the mound of his lip.

"I could say the same about you Mrs. Grey. What's been keeping you up?" He asks me. I know he wants the truth. But I'm not ready to give it to him yet.

"Your son pushing on my bladder. He has your temper let me tell yeah," I tell him hoping to lighten the mood. He knows I can't sleep. It's evident in the god awful bags under my eyes, and the coffee I've been trying to sneak. Sawyer gave it away, mostly because he was leaving at least once a work day to grab me an ice coffee but also because I hate coffee.

"Of course he does," He tells me leaning down to kiss me on the forehead. We both redundantly leave each others hold to have shower sex before leaving for the office. I know Christian is itching for control, I can tell by the way he scrunches his hands in his suit pants or the way he looks at me when I half-ass my breakfast and drink coffee. He reminds me of the one cup a day rule, and although I try to amid by that, I haven't drinken coffee in years so I'm adding up my missed days. We both go our separate ways to our offices, and I quickly make to working. Since my mother left 2 weeks ago, I've stalked piled everything I could think of. Bryce Fox book number 2, signing countless authors from online sites in hopes for one and endless meetings in offers for books becoming movies as the franchise is booming. My work days slowly go over Christian and I set mark but he has seem to keep my mouth shut. I don't know if this is me spilling for control, or just a way to push back my issues but Christian doesn't want to ask about it.

By 1:30 when Christian comes in with my lunch, I've manage to sneak one more coffee before he came in with my tea and soup.

"Afternoon beautiful," He tells me. Leaning over to give me a kiss on the lips before sitting down. He brings out his lunch as he sits cross legged across from me. We eat in silence like we usually do. I don't know what to say and Christian stopped trying to make conversation.

"You're up to two coffees and it's 1:30 Mrs. Grey," Christian tells me when I hand him my empty cup that was once filled with Chicken noodle soup.

"Wha?" I ask him.