maybe i'm amazed (fifty shades)

Chapter Sixty Nine

Christian's Point of View:

"He's beautiful Christian," My mom says from beside me as we stare down at my squirming baby boy in his dark brown crib. He wears a little blue hat wrapped around his small head and a little jumper. The one Ana picked out when we were in New York. His little hands are wrapped in matching gloves to keep him from scratching at his face.

"What if I can do this mom," I whisper my hands drifting over his beautiful little face. His small nose perks up well his beautiful blue eyes stay closed. I know his eyes will probably change colour but I'm in love with him in every way right now.

"Oh Christian, you're going to make a fantastic father," My mom says her hand wrapping around my back and pulling me into her side. Years ago I would've never been able to do this but things are different now. Ana changed everything.

"Thats what you said about me being a husband and look what happened," I say. He is too perfect for me to wreck.

"Christian-" Grace says attempting to stop me from doubting myself. My hands move down support his neck and little bum as I lift him out of his crib and holding him to my chest. His little glove covered hands tug onto my shirt as he squirms slightly in my arms before finding a comfortable position as leaning his little cheek against my chest.

"I'm sorry mom, for everything that happened," I tell her looking down at my beautiful baby boy. I feel my mom wrap her arm around my back again, turning me into her as she gently rests a hand on my Teddys back rubbing up and down softly.

"It's not your fault, it is no where near you're fault. Cam is crazy, and so is Elena. You couldn't control that," She says rubbing softly on Teddys back. I sigh moving away from her grasp and looking out the window to the lake. The waves rushing softly reflecting the orange rays of the setting sun.

"You saw what they did to Ana," I choke out tears falling from my eyes. The images of her hanging there make me feel sick. I got them to tare down the red room at the Escala and the house. I wanted everything gone, all of the whips, the hand cuffs- everything. All traces of Elena needed to be out of my house, away from my son.

"What about what he did to you Christian," She asks me. Walking over and wiping the tears that poured from my eyes landing on Teddys back.

"I don't want to talk about that," I say shaking my head. The cigarette marks have scared over again, leaving more bumps across my upper chest.

"I do Christian," She snaps at me. Pulling Teddy from my arms, she cradles him in her arms as she forces me to sit on the bench in front of the windows. I sigh watching her lean down in front of me. "I'm not letting you shut down again Christian. You are not alone, and you are so far from Cam. You are a good father Christian. Do you understand? You are an amazing father who loves his son. I believe in you. Cam is going to prison and so is Elena, your father is making sure of it. I love you, those scars do not define you," She tells me. Teddy begins to squirm in her arms and i instantly reach fro him. She stands up with my son in her arms backing away.

"Go to sleep Christian, I'll watch Teddy for now. You need to rest for a bit before Kate and Elliot come over," She tells me. I want to say no, to be useful in anyway I can be. But I know better and so does Grace. She can see that I haven't slept since everything happened. I can't sleep. I just sit and watch Teddy in his bed. "Let me have control over this for just an hour," She tells me.

"Only an hour," I agree getting up. She gives me a smile as I move over to plant a soft kiss on her head, and another over the back of Teddys hat clad head. I walk out of Teddys nursery and down the hall the master bedroom. I open the door slowly, walking into the pitch black room. The curtains are drawn blocking out all traces of sun light. I sigh rubbing my hand down my neck as I shut the door blocking out the light form the hall way. I walk into the room moving over to the bed and lying down.

"You okay?" Ana asks me her voice tired from just waking up. I don't respond just stare down at her beautiful face. The bruises have healed a bit and are now faded, I bring my hand down rubbing my hand down her jaw. She sighs leaning over to turn on the bedroom light. The room aluminates and Ana's worried face fills my vision as she attempts to sit up.

"Hey stop please Ana," I beg her watching her wince in pain as she sits up. I don't know if the pain is from her back or the stitches on her stomach but the pain in my chest tightens watching her struggle. She finally sits up with the help from her hands pushing her up. She pushes up the comforter and turns to the side so I can see her face. "No Ana please," I beg her watching her let out a hiss as she pushes her self off the bed so that she is standing up. I scramble out of bed moving in front of her my hands moving to hers to steady her on her wobbly feet.

"It's been 3 weeks Christian, I'm not going to break," She tells me. I can see her worried eyes staring back at me. She struggles but manages to walk over to the curtains pulling them open to let in the sunset. The light almost blinds me so I can only image what it does for her. Since going to the hospital almost a month ago after what happened with Cam and Elena, she was rushed into an emergency c-section. They were both touch in go for a long and awful 48 hours before Ted stabilized and soon after so did Ana. "I want to walk around, to hold my son. I can't-" Her voice cracks causing my heart to shatter and fall into my stomach. "They can't win" She tells me. Her eyes moving up to meet mine. I sigh my hand moving to her cheek and rubbing softly.

"Okay," I tell her. She leans in planting a soft kiss on my lips. I smile into her moving down to kiss her again.

"Now Mr. Grey, you need to go lie down well I go take a bath," She tells me. I want to protest but once again the sleep seems to take over. "I'll be okay, and I'll call you if I need you're help," She tells me. I want to say no, demand that she goes and lies back down in bed but I can't. I find myself giving up on the control I fought so hard.

"Wake me when you're getting out okay," I tell her. She nods her head in agreement as she takes my hand leading me over to the bed. I lie down on the spot she vacated as Ana pulls up the comforter. She leans down giving me a kiss down on the lips.

"Do you want the curtains shut?" She asks me as she moves away from my lips. I shake my head in response letting the bed comfort me in ways that I haven't had in what feels like days. She runs her hand along my jaw before getting up and heading into the bathroom. I watch her disappear leaving the door open as if reading my mind. I can hear the bath running but am unable to stay awake to make sure she is okay as I fall asleep.

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