maybe i'm amazed (fifty shades)

Chapter Fifty Four

Ana's Point of View:

"So Ana, tell me what you're feeling?" Doctor Flynn asks me. I just shrug crossing my legs and then un crossing them again. A nervous habit I didn't know I had.

"I don't know," I mutter.

"What do you mean you do know? Just tell me how your feeling," He asks.

"Guilty," I tell him.

"Guilty? Why?"

"Because I feel like I'm letting everyone down," I tell him. He nods his head encouraging me to go on. "I don't know. Christian just he..I feel like I'm not good enough. And I lied about everything with my mom for so long and he has been so honest with me. I just feel like, he is putting his life on the line for me and I'm not returning it," I tell him.

"Yet what was your motive behind talking with Alexander?" He asks me.

"Originally, it was to hide my eating disorder from Christian. I didn't want him to know about my depressed past. But Alexander being around just made me feel young again. After Christian began catching out to my eating habits, and he started threatening Christian, It changed. I just wanted him safe. I didn't care what happened to me, I just couldn't let Alexander hurt him the way he hurt me."

"So you'd say that you were risking your life for Christian in a sense?" He asks me.

"I guess so, I don't know," I murmur. I didn't put it into prospective. It seemed second nature to me to want to protect Christian.

"I want you to read this email. Christian sent it to me after you left him after the belt. Remember this was after less than a month of knowing you. I need you to understand that people value you Ana. It's not some sick joke to hurt you," He tells me as he hands me over a piece of paper with a paragraph screen shotted on it.

Flynn I don't know what to do. Watching her walk out of that elevator.. it destroyed me. I've never felt like this before. She was different, not like all the other girls Elena found for me. She's changed me so much, even just typing 'Elena' makes my skin crawl. I don't know how to get her back but I know I need her back. Looking into those perfect big blue eyes makes my heart swell, and the way that she bites her lip makes me want to jump for joy. I feel this out standing need to protect her, stronger than anything I've ever felt before. She's not my birth mother, and she is defiantly not a submissive. I just know that I need her to me in my life, I will give up everything, all form of control. I want that woman to marry me, to be my wife, to love me as much as I love her. I just need her. I want her. I can't stand the idea of losing her, even if she is just down the road for me. This feelings are so passionate, that I don't know what to do with myself. I can't eat, I can't sleep. I've torn up the playroom, thrown out every fucking belt I own. I've cried over the submissive bed every night since she has left. I'm scared that I really screwed up my one chance at happiness.

"Oh god," I mutter. My heart is swelling in my chest and silent tears roll down my cheeks.

"I have more," He tells me. "This one if from Grace a few weeks ago," He tells me. Handing over another piece of paper. With shaking hands I pick up the paper.

Dr. Flynn,

I hope you are well this afternoon. I got a few emails from my son and Ana's doctor Greene regarding Ana's mental health. I'm indeed worried just as much as my son. I'm not sure the emotional abuse that Ana went through, and from the very little she has told me I only assume she is suffering greatly. I fear that Ana doesn't believe she is loved, and Christian brought it to my attention that she may not feel worthy to be in our lives. Christina told me bits about her past, that I assume you know too, and I'm growing anxious to think about what she'll be like post pregnancy or closer to her due date. I've suggested many times rehab facilitys or extreme therapy but Christian has turned down the ideas, he says she won't get better if she isn't surrounded by people. I understand what he is saying, and now thinking about it agree as well.