FWB Friends With Baseball

Bye JJ.

Jailyn~

"Christian: Hey, I know you need your space, and I'm trying to respect that, but Brewers on Deck is coming up. Just wanted to check in and see if I should plan on getting a hotel?"

It's been ten days since Christian last reached out, nine since my conversation with Alecia, and fourteen since I last spoke to Christian. This is the longest we've ever gone without talking since the night we met. Feeling my heart pound in my chest, I stare at the screen before the untouched message buzzes again.

Taking a breath, I slide the notification to the side, unlocking my phone. Seeing the thread of messages between Christian and me, a string of grey trying to check in, I click on the circle at the top, pulling open his contact card. The pounding in my chest is bordering on frighteningly fast, as my blood pounds in my ears. My anxiety hasn't been higher in my life than it has the past two weeks, but now, somehow, it feels like it's at its peak.

I continue staring at his contact card, trying to will myself into pressing the call button. My finger lingers over the button as I fight whether or not I should call him, or continue my streak of being terrified of facing him. Who knows how much time passes before my body seemingly goes into autopilot and hits the call button, contacting him for the first time in two weeks. 

Pulling my phone up to my ear, my motions are robotic as my body takes the lead before my thoughts can stop it. The call tone rings out faster than I'd ever heard it before, giving me less time to bitch out before.

"JJ?" He asks, sounding almost surprised to be saying my nickname, no chance to hang up now. 

"Hey," I say quietly, unsure what else to say. 

"Are you okay?" He asks the same question as everyone else. 

Nodding to myself, I pull at a string on my pant leg, "I haven't had an answer for that recently." 

"What's going on, Jai?" He asks softly, the slight desperation in his voice doesn't go unnoticed. How couldn't he hate me after everything, and now being unable to tell him anything?

"A lot," I tell him as honestly as I can manage, "And I don't know how to handle it." 

Christian is quiet momentarily before suggesting, "Maybe I could help?" 

"It's not that simple," I start.

"Try me," He presses. His insistence makes my chest tighten. How could he help? How could anyone? "JJ, can you please tell me what happened?" 

"I don't know how," I tell him, my voice breaking at the end. Taking a breath I wipe under my eyes, so sick of crying. "I don't even know how to process anything anymore. Everything is just so fucked up, and nothing makes sense.  I just need a little time to try to figure everything out." 

"Are you at least going to be okay?" 

The simplicity of the question almost makes me laugh. Nodding to myself, I admit for the first time, "I think so. I just have to figure out how to get there." 

Taking a breath on the other end of the line, Christian asks, "And we have to break up for that?" Something about the way he asked seemed like a joke. Trying to lighten the mood while still genuinely asking. 

"I gotta figure some stuff out, Christian," I tell him, trying to be as transparent as possible. "I'm sorry, and I'm sorry for not being able to have this conversation with you until now. My life has just gotten so messy, and I need a little time to figure it out." 

"If it means anything, I love you, JJ. That's never going to change, but if you need your time and space, or whatever, I can respect that. I just need you to know that I'm always going to be here for whatever you need."